Things I Won’t Miss When I’m Gone: Stupid American Gestures

Forget gun violence and illegal immigration. We need Congress to take a look at three gestures that are ruining American culture. Three gestures with which you’re certainly familiar, either because you’ve been on the unfortunate receiving end of one or all of them. Or because you, yourself, are guilty of punishing friends and relatives with these egregious acts of awkward social gesture and greeting.

Every time I bear witness to any one of these, a tiny part of my soul is forever crushed and I’m convinced that somewhere an angel is stripped of her wings. I suppose this is only tangentially related to travel, but it’s something I have to get off my chest. Stay tuned after the jump and I’ll try to bring this little rant back to the travel realm.

The Man Hug

Nothing more roundly signifies the mind-numbingly moronic frat boy mentality than the man hug. If you’ve never witnessed one of these, it goes something like this:

as you approach, the arms should be extended and raised, in pre-hug readiness. the right arm should be higher than the left, however it is important that the right arm is not too high, and vitally important that the left never, ever be too low. nor should the arms embrace the recipient on too similar a latitude; thats how you hug your girlfriend, and we dont want to confuse anybody, especially yourself, now do we? try and have the right hand 8-12 inches higher than the left.

as you approach, with arms raised and extended as shown, it is usual to omit a long vocal exclamation: “aaaaaaayyyyyyy.” as the hug continues, it is proper that this vocalisation assumes a questioning tone: “aaaaaaaayyyyyyy?”

it is at the point of this questioning tone reaching its highest note, that the most important part of the man-hug occurs: the ritual back-slap. THIS IS THE MOST CRUCIAL PART OF THE CEREMONY.
the back-slap is important, because it is where you retain your masculinity whilst in an embrace with another man. see, youre hugging somebody, and this is giving love. in public. (if you are fuzzy about this, i refer you to the “public displays of affection” pamphlet you were all handed in high school) to counteract this possibly homosexual act, you need to cause pain. not much, but just enough, in a ceremonial kind of way that says while you are giving love, you are also giving pain.

i advise the trusty three-beat slap, with enough force to push a little air out of the hugee’s lungs. many people also go for the closed-fist beat on the back, and i am one of these people, as it is far more masculine to punch someone, than it is to slap them; and you can never be too careful in this circumstance.

just as both the back-slap (or punch) and the vocals conclude, it is advisable to punctuate your man-hug with one more vocal: a loud, short “aarggh”, said with as deep, and as growly a voice as you can muster. after this, you should disengage from the man-hug and contiue whatever it is that you were doing.

Via Ubersite

Or if you prefer video instruction and happen, as I do, to enjoy British accents:

I once drove three hundred miles to Long Island to pick up a car I’d bought on eBay. The salesman’s first greeting to me – my first impression of him? The man hug. Granted, he was drunk on box wine and had been drinking since seven that morning. But that’s another post for another day. And it doesn’t diminish the crux of my disdain for this unholy gesture.

Many objections to this awkward PDA focus on the quasi-homosexual connotations inherent in this gesture. My issue is much simpler: it’s just plain stupid.

What? A hand shake won’t do? Why not a quick peck on the lips? Or a light tap on the old keester? Just shake hands and be done with it for Christ’s sake.

The Double-Wave

To perform the double-wave, simply outstretch both arms in front of you, palms forward and fingers up. Keeping your arms in place, shake both hands from side to side.

This is more of a gesture than a social greeting. The double-wave is a favorite of celebrities and Miss Universe contestants. It says: “I’m disturbingly nice, in a Drew Barrymore way, and my intellect is guaranteed to be on par with a Real World/Road Rules highlight reel.”

I’ve nothing against nice. It’s that phony, celebrity, sickeningly fake nice that makes my teeth itch.

High Five

Seinfeld High Five

Photo copyright Wikipedia.

I saved this one for last for two reasons. One: unlike the above two, the high five had its day in the sun. It started out as a well-intentioned social gesture for men to convey to one another such important things as:

“I too appreciated that touchdown.”

“Dude, this stripper is totally digging me.”

and

“I just saved a boatload of money by switching to Geico.”

The second reason I saved it for last: I hate it more than the other two gestures combined. I mean: is there anything more quintessentially grease monkey and low-brow than the high five? It long ago jumped the shark. I think it jumped the shark before Fonzi even jumped the shark – before “jumped the shark” was en vogue.

In the interest of bringing this full circle and relating it to travel in some vague way, I’ll ask my fellow bloggers and travel mentors: are their gestures or greetings you’ve encountered in your travels that you find absolutely irritating, humorous, or touching behind belief? From all of the idiosyncrasies I’ve read about Asia and the far east, I can imagine these three are some of the most tame.

Founding Editor
  1. I share your disdain for the high-five. Having grown up in the ’70s, I remember when people “gave five” the “right” way, by slapping DOWN on your hand. Somewhere along the way that was hijacked by the so-called “high five” and people have been obsessed with that gesture ever since. I honestly don’t know what the deal is. To me, it was perpetrated by a generation of spoiled brat punks who had to prove they’re different than their parents, so the perverted the “giving five” gesture.

    Just as a side note, we were in the Philippines when my son was a year old. Two helpers started joking about marrying him when he comes of age, and they gave each other the “high five”. I wanted to say, “Missy, if you think my son is going to marry you, you’ve got another thought coming”. I’ve hated it that much more ever since.

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