Canada Man Surprised That Petting Siberian Tigers Is A Bad Idea

© Agadez

Sometimes instead of starting a post with bland facts we try to build it up slowly, setting up what journalists call the “nut graf.” The idea is to get you hooked, either by playing around with the piece’s tone or by hinting at details from further down, and then hitting you with the “nutshell.”

But this is really one of those stories that don’t need teasing: a guy in Canada broke into a zoo, made his way to the tiger exhibit, tried to pet the tigers inside the exhibit, and got his arm mauled. Or as we like to call it, justice.

This isn’t the best example of the genre we’ve ever seen. That distinction probably goes to the idiot who tried to hug a panda bear, an animal that while cute has the “I don’t like to be bothered” tipoff word bear in its name.

But if you’ve ever been in a zoo and silently fumed at people who have an underdeveloped appreciation for the wildness of nature, mocking or harassing or snapping at gigantic predators, this is going to be a satisfying read:

A man suffered injuries to his arms after he and a friend hopped the fence at a Canadian zoo early on Monday and stuck his hands into the tiger exhibit, zoo officials said. The Calgary Zoo said the two men sneaked into the facility after midnight and headed to the Siberian tiger … “He did not enter the exhibit, but did come into contact with one of the tigers and sustained significant injuries to his arms,” the zoo said in a statement.

And thus concludes today’s lesson on natural selection. Your homework for tonight: exactly how many drugs over what period of time would you have to do before this seemed like a good idea?