No Sex in the City: What It’s Like to Be Female and Foreign in Japan Reannon Muth March 5, 2013 Features, Japan, Tokyo 580 Comments “We usually have a tough time keeping female teachers here,” my boss informed me on my first day of work as an English teacher in Tokyo. “They usually don’t last more than six months.” I looked up from studying the roster list of teachers (30 — all male), in surprise. “You mean at this school?” “No, I mean … in Japan.” He shrugged. “Tokyo’s a tough city to be single … If you’re, you know … a western woman.” I stole a quick glance at the photos that were mounted on the wall behind him. Four middle-aged White Dudes. All of them were bearded and balding. All of them resembled the aging, stringy-haired members of the band Metallica. And all of them were pressed up against the model-thin bodies of a heavily made-up Japanese Beauty Queen. I don’t think I’ll have a problem, I thought. It wasn’t that I was beauty queen gorgeous. Far from it. Slim, medium-height, with hazel eyes and freckles, I was at best ‘cute’ and at worst, average. But I had something that the competition didn’t: long, naturally curly, blond hair. Furthermore, I was bilingual, well-traveled and college-educated. But as I realized a few weeks into my stay in Japan, I was also mysteriously, frustratingly invisible. © Perfect Insecto Cute baristas at Starbucks wouldn’t look at me, business men on bicycles ran over me and college students hurriedly backed away from me with mumbled apologies whenever I tried to strike up a conversation about the weather or ask for directions. They wouldn’t even give me the time of day. Literally. “You’ve got to be assertive,” my Japanese girlfriends advised. “Japanese guys are shy so you have to make the first move.” So I smiled invitingly at men in bars and on busses. I asked for help reading restaurant menus and subway signs. “Do you have any book / drink reccomendatioins?” was my usual line as I stood near them in bookstores or sat next to them on barstools. But the ‘come hither’ stare or conversation starter doesn’t work if the other person refuses to look at you. If they met my gaze at me at all, it was just to shoot me this panicked look, like I’d just asked them to father my unborn children. My boss had been right. It was hard to be a single, western woman in Japan. But why? I turned to the Internet for advice and was surprised to learn that the Dateless Western Woman was a familiar character in the expat world, at least judging from the score of postings on expat forums by lonely, single females. But as wide-spread as the problem seemed to be, it was one that many women avoided talking about. Understandably it was a tough subject to discuss without grossly overgeneralizing fifty percent of a country’s population or worse, sounding like a racist or a man-hating, snob. The pervading theory though, among expats and Japanese alike, was that Japanese men were in fact attracted to western women but were just too intimidated to do anything about it. Western women in Asia were like the Jennifer Anistons of the expat world. Strong, independent, assertive and outspoken, they were interesting to admire from afar, but no man would ever dream of striking up a conversation with one. Western women were so different, so foreign, they were virtually un-datable. Not true for their Y-chromosome-carrying expat buddies though. While the female expats spent Saturday nights alone, crying into their Ramen bowls, their male counterparts drank freely from the dating pool like they owned it. Which in a way, they did. © DeusXFlorida If you’ve ever visited Asia, you’ve likely seen the pale, rail-thin, greasy-haired white boy walking hand-in hand with a perfectly made-up, mini-skirt wearing Asian chick. This would never happen anywhere else in the world. Because everywhere else, Barbie ends up with Ken, not his underemployed, socially-awkward, samurai-sword-collecting neighbor, Kevin. But in Asia, dating rules defy all logic or evolutionary law. In Asia, the nerd is king. Not that I wished it otherwise. For the most part, I was happy for them. These men wouldn’t have been able to score a date at home if they’d been a calender but in Asia they’d nabbed the prom queen. They were true success stories. Who could blame them for taking advantage of a magical loophole that allowed them to date women out of their league? If such a nirvana existed for Western woman, I’m sure I’d have moved there too. But although the occasional coupling sparked the “Is she really going out with him?” question, it was easy to understand why Japanese woman saw Western men — even the nerdy ones — as attractive dating prospects. They were straight-forward and open-minded, for one thing. And through their Western, wire-rimmed eyes, they viewed relationships as an equal partnership, which was something the more traditional, close-minded of Japanese men still struggled to do. I figured that so long as they treated their girlfriends well and both partners were happy with the arrangement, what did it matter if their peculiar quirks and bizarre comments got lost in translation a little? Even the socially awkward deserved to love and be loved. But it was hard not to feel jealous. Especially as I spent weekend after weekend, bravely facing the club’s dance floor alone while my dorky expat brothers expertly flirted for phone numbers and first dates. They were like kids in a candy store. The Japanese women were gourmet truffles, while the western women were the three-year-old tootsie rolls melted to the bottom of the barrel. The Japanese men might have been frightened of us but the other expat men just flat-out ignored us. But as I often reminded myself, I hadn’t come to Asia for a boyfriend. I’d come because I wanted to master Japanese and explore a culture drastically different from my own. But I just hadn’t expected that moving my life to Japan would mean leaving my love life at home. As much as I’d enjoyed my life in Tokyo, it just didn’t seem like a fair trade. Not that the female dating situation in Japan wasn’t without the occasional success story. I knew of a few women who’d come to Japan and left with husbands or fiancées in tow. But they were the minority. Most western women came to Japan single and stayed that way. I was walking from work one Friday evening when it dawned on me that I’d been in Japan for nine months. I inwardly congratulated myself for having beat the odds. I’d proven my boss wrong. But as I trudged home to face another evening of reruns of The Office and left-over sushi from 7-11, I wondered at what cost. Most days I felt unattractive, unwanted and worst of all, unfemale. When not even a short skirt or slinky top attracted more than a passing glance and even construction workers, who could usually be counted on for a leer, regarded me with bored, blank expressions, I felt like a Martian. And very, very alone. Perhaps I’d been wrong not to leave when the last shipload of foreign women sailed away to brighter horizons and better dating odds. Because the truth is that Tokyo’s a tough city to be single … if you’re, you know, a Western woman. 580 Responses Calvin September 9, 2010 Wow Reannon, this is the most bitter but bloody honest read I have seen for months since I came to Japan in early June. I feel for your lonely experience as a foreigner and a female in this country. Sad thing is although most people realize the problem, there is no hope to change it, especially if you are a foreigner…if you want to stay in the country, just accept their “cultural uniqueness” and accept their values. I really hope you have found a better path for your life now. Reply Tyrone November 5, 2014 What do you want? Force them to have sex they doesn’t desire? Reply Liv September 9, 2010 Soooooooooooo true! I lived in Osaka for 2 years and can’t remember a single time any of the Japanese men so much as looked at me. To be fair, I was dating someone (another foreigner) at the time so it was no skin off my nose – besides, like you, I was happy for the nerds-made-king – but I definitely noticed the difference between the Western woman’s lot and the Western man’s. “Because everywhere else, Barbie ends up with Ken, not his underemployed, socially-awkward, samurai-sword-collecting neighbor, Kevin. ” – AMAZING QUOTE! Again, so true. Great, great piece. Reply Turner September 9, 2010 I’ve heard stories from “the other side”, but I think you articulate it really well. I know you’re trying to stay balanced, but the resentment you must have felt (and still feel) towards expat guys is shining through. For what it’s worth, I personally found this more of a burden than “drinking freely from the dating pool.” Because in any country, there will be members of the opposite and same sexes looking for a relationship with someone from another culture; of course, they’re not interested in YOU, just your foreign features. That hurts. It’s a false sense of empowerment, and it’s not healthy to live that way… part of the reason, I think, why so many guys have trouble dating upon their return. Reply Reannon September 9, 2010 I wrote this while in Japan last year…at a time when I was feeling pretty discouraged. I was definitely resentful for a while there…but I’m pretty sure the root cause of that was just jealously. And in all fairness, it’s not just Japan. I think it’s tough to be a single woman abroad ANYWHERE. Reply ZYZZ October 30, 2014 If you really want to know the reason you didn’t find anything in Japan… see what real men think of you lawl http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=164820101 JOO MAD? Reply GenuineFemenist November 5, 2014 Wow, It is like you think you are entitled to sex, if Japanese men don’t want to sleep with you obviously you are doing something wrong, they don’t owe you anything, and you can’t just write blog posts to guilt men into having sex with you. Considering the way you denigrate ‘nerds’ in your article I think it is probably your personality and attitude that made you so lonely and bitter. Reply alana February 8, 2015 You’re right. Let’s keep it real. Japan is obsessed with youth, fashion,and overall attractiveness. Unfortunately for the author she has none of those qualities. Combined with her arrogance and self entitlement, who would date her? Either she gets with the program and understand that she is average at best and will never pull a Japanese man, or just take a plane to Jamaica and call it a day lol Jeremy November 26, 2014 What do you have against Metallica? You’re going to get old too, and you’re already homely. You’ll never accomplish what Metallica has done in their career. You sound like a typical western entitled delusional feminist. Reply H. February 8, 2015 Did some ignoramus tell you that because you were a Caucasian woman with blonde hair they’d all flock to you? Lol. It’s mostly other white men that find that ideal. Self-entitled much? You are not the gift to humanity dear. You can ask PLENTY of blacks, Hispanics, Asians, and Native Americans. Sheesh. Overall you look average at best. Reply Reannon September 9, 2010 @ Calvin – Aww…Do I really sound that bitter? Oops. I was trying to be funny but maybe I took that too far? I hold nothing against expat men in Japan or anywhere…more power to you! I think the problem is the time period we’re living in. Living abroad by choice is still such a new concept that it’ll take a while before people get used to the idea. And for women, it’s even less common. It’s an alienating experience. Reply Tony October 29, 2014 Yes, you don’t sound bitter at all going on with multiple adjectives denigrating your white male counterparts as “greasy, rail-thin…” Following up with a “not that I’m not happy for them” doesn’t make you sound any less like a jerk. For shame. Reply Coco November 5, 2014 Let’s be honest. You feeling undesireable sounds exactly like how average guys over in the west feel. Dating is freaking annoying in this part of the world and no woman will even bother with you unless you hit on her and woo her first. Dating over here sounds like what you described your experience. unless you are one of the hot dudes (who end up swimming in women) dating and hook ups are extremely annoying for the guys over here with the later even unlikely to be aquireable at all or on a regular basis. I seriously should visit an Asian country for a month or so just to see how it feels like to be as desireable as your average woman. Reply Mike November 25, 2014 ” Because everywhere else, Barbie ends up with Ken, not his underemployed, socially-awkward..” Yup, that didn’t sound bitter at all. Reply That Guy January 15, 2015 Hello, Not trying to sound like an asshole. Just look how you calling the men nerds and how they could not get a woman back home. How ugly they look and so on. This is the issues with the western women, always going off of looks, how they dress and what kind of car they’re driving. They dog out the nice men and threat the bad guys like kings. There are more women from other countries want a nice man and not the bad guys. A lot of men in other countries treat their women like crap, just like the women in the western countries treat their men like crap. So western men and foreign women have a lot in common. Most western women act more like men than women, they lost their femininity. If they don’t get their own way, they will make your life a living hell. Western women think they’re entitled to everything and you have to fight with them all of the time. A woman can attack a man and if the man defend himself or calls the cops. He will go to jail instead of the woman. If you married a western woman and if you get a divorce she can take %60 to %80 of your money. Then you have to pay the woman in till she dies or get married. The divorce rate is a bout %60 to %70, most the the divorces are initiated by the woman. At the end the man is put into the poor house. I’m in the military and I married a Japanese wife for 8 years now and I’m in shape always go to the gym, I eat right and I’m not ugly. Still have hair on my head. I met my wife in Karate class and we dated for two years before we gotten married. She’s strong and can protect herself when she have to, but she how to keep and maintain her femininity. They are more good looking soldiers married to Japanese wives then western women on base. So when you treat that nice guy like shit and go for that bad guy. Act like the nice guy in invisible. Get into that entitlement more. Just think about your trip to Japan and how you was treated. How you felt about it, then you will know how that nice guy feels. All thanks to man hating feminist and for giving more rights to women and less rights to men. I got 5 year left in service and I will stay in Japan just like a lot of the troops before. Reply Whatever777 January 19, 2015 That guy, Although I believe the context of your post is mostly accurate, you are very misled to believe Japanese women who chase bad boys don’t exist. In fact, I would bet a years salary (Im not in the military, so that amounts to more than 4 bucks) that around 85% of single mothers are the ones who chase bad boys, and single mothers are on the rise in Japan. (btw if you marry a single mother who wasn’t widowed… ROFL on you) Also, ones who exclusively date foreigners are typically used and thrown away, hoping the next gaijin will be the one to “save them.” Reality sucks, doesn’t it? If you want a good Japanese woman, find one who doesn’t speak English (at all if possible, very little otherwise), who doesn’t know what roppongi looks like at night, and from a middle class or low class income household. In every case I know (myself included), the women I described are far far better off as wives than the women which fit my previous description. Too stupid to learn Japanese or look outside roppongi? Then you have to settle for the used car with 120K miles. Joe February 16, 2015 You do come across as extremely bitter. It really showcases why men in the US are seemingly so dissatisfied by American women. For me, every time I’ve traveled abroad, I’ve been amazed at how much more attractive the women, on average, are. I’d attribute it almost entirely to their average weight, but their better dress and fewer tattoos don’t hurt. That, coupled with whatever exotic qualities being foreign brings, allows expat men to date higher quality women than they can at home. Especially if they are in shape, or rail thin as you put it. Reply Chris September 9, 2010 I didn’t think the tone of the article was bitter. I found it interesting and amusing. And for those of us who have lived abroad, male or female, we can all relate to those times of loneliness and frustration when we couldn’t break through our host country’s cultural barriers. At times it can be tough. But that’s one reason why we all love it so much. Thanks for article, Reannon. Reply Lauren September 10, 2010 Ha! This made me laugh because it’s so true! I lived in Thailand for a year and worked with a bunch of creepy Western guys who got tons of chicks while I found it so hard to meet people, even just as friends. Reply GetItGoing September 28, 2014 “…with a bunch of creepy Western guys” This unfortunate attitude and shaming of men is one of the reasons foreign women appeal to them in the first place. When a western woman labels a man “creepy” it means one of several things; more often than not that she doesn’t find him attractive, or insults him when his circumstances don’t please her. Reply RandyMPoffo October 29, 2014 spot on! Popo October 29, 2014 Wow, what a sexist comment. But it’s not unexpected after this grotesquely sexist read. “Creepy” is a favorite word of misandrists seeking to delegitimize male sexuality. How dare this “sub-value” man pursue an attractive woman! He is “creepy”! Of course the writer of this article is not particularly attractive, and wants a date. (Did you read those pickup strategies?!) Was that creepy? No. That apparently is deserving of sympathy. But not the male version. That’s “creepy” Go away, Lauren. Take your sexism back to the West where it can continue to masquerade as feminism. Reply YummyProsciutto October 29, 2014 The entitled, self-righteous Western woman speaks… Reply G November 6, 2014 Apparently there’s no such thing as a creepy woman. Reply Dan September 10, 2010 Really love the honesty of this article. I’ve been reflecting on these issues a lot after having spent nearly 1 year working in the Philippines– I imagine a similarly difficult place for western women to live (if any move here to find out, we’ll know!). It was great to hear your perspective. Reply Claire September 10, 2010 Great read. Now, do all that again, but this time as a single, white, gay female and you’ll see how I’m getting on! Reply Kim September 10, 2010 Asia is definitely a tough nut to crack, but now I KNOW there’s no hope for me. I’m Black, and when the White women have trouble getting a guy….I can forget it… Reply Reannon September 10, 2010 @ Claire – I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to be female and GAY in Asia (or anywhere else in the expat world, for that matter). I’d be good to remember that next time I move abroad and start to feel sorry for myself for being single! Wow. That would be so tough…I feel for ya. Reply Reannon September 10, 2010 @ Kim – Yeah, unfortunately I think you’re right. At this point in time anyway… Reply Reannon September 10, 2010 @ Lauren – I’d imagine Thailand would be worse because not only do you have the nerdy expat men but the creepy, perverted sex-tourism expat men as well…I don’t know if I could stomach that for long. Reply James Anderson October 30, 2014 Yes, all the men visiting Thailand are creepy, sex starved expats and they will try to molest you at the first chance. Great stereotyping! Reply Mike November 25, 2014 Calling men creepy and nerdy is not going to change anything. You lost this time, accept it instead of trying to take everyone else down with you. What you experience there is every mans experience and not only for nine months, his entire life. Women in the west have reached a critical point in mentality where they get more satisfaction by rejecting men than being with them. You hate men. What do you get out of shaming men who go to Japan for find a woman ? does it make you any happier, does it improve your life in any way ? Reply Broseph January 9, 2015 You sound like a woman hating beta male. She was just trying to be humorous while talking about her own experience in Japan. I thought it was interesting. It must feel nice to behave like a victim all the time right? It probably makes it easier to deny the fact that you are the reason that you suck, and not because the world is against you. Jacqui B. September 10, 2010 I was thinking about going overseas to New Zealand for a bit, I wonder if it would be the same for women there as well. Not that I’m looking for a partner there, but not being a social pariah would be nice. Thoughts? Reply Kelly September 10, 2010 Great article, Reannon! I’ve been in Japan for 3 years, with a pretty open perspective on this, because I have a Japanese boyfriend. Therefore, I’m not bitter nor jealous, but I still look at the geeky gaijins with gorgeous girls, and sigh. Many of these ‘charisma men’ become so ego-inflated here that they look at any western girl smugly, as they pass us in the train station. I wonder if they know that we’re laughing at them … Reply Foobar October 29, 2014 “I wonder if they know that we’re laughing at them …” I highly doubt they care in the least. Your opinion has zero weight with them – precisely how it should be. Reply ndna October 29, 2014 Just like no one will ever care about a wizard’s opinion who would have to travel to asia to even find someting as vital and simple as love. RandyMPoffo October 29, 2014 ” Many of these ‘charisma men’ become so ego-inflated here that they look at any western girl smugly, as they pass us in the train station. I wonder if they know that we’re laughing at them” You mean kind of like how the ego-inflated overweight western women look smugly – or completely ignore – pale, thin, samurai-sword-collecting Kevin’s, in America? And then, even worse, when these Kevin’s finally get the courage to attempt to speak to the same ego-inflated women in America, he is called creepy, creeper, etc. Doesn’t feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot – does it? Reply James Anderson October 30, 2014 >> You mean kind of like how the ego-inflated overweight western women look smugly – or completely ignore – pale, thin, samurai-sword-collecting Kevin’s, in America? And then, even worse, when these Kevin’s finally get the courage to attempt to speak to the same ego-inflated women in America, he is called creepy, creeper, etc. Right on target! Jane September 11, 2010 Wow, thanks for the insight, congrats on sticking it out for so long although I’m so glad you’re travelling now (and no doubt having more fun!) I’m in Asia too (in the Maldives) and I love it but being a single white girl really isn’t easy here either, although we have the opposite problem with the Maldivian guys – they are WAY too fascinated by us! The staring and harassment is relentless, no matter how you dress or how much you ignore them. So, no problem getting a Maldivian guy to date, but if you want to date an expat then you really struggle because the expat community is tiny! There’s a massive shortage of eligible men and most expats are already in relationships, so when you do ever hook up with an expat, you have to wonder how much of their interest is to do with the fact that you’re available and you happen to be there, rather than anything else!!! Reply Evan October 29, 2014 This is exactly the problem men are referring to. Western Men are happy to experience new cultures and relish meeting foreign women. But Western women are so entitled that foreign men hitting on them is “creepy” and you literally would not consider dating one of them. I lived several years in Central and Eastern Europe and have come back and started a family with a western woman, but my partner won’t take my name and won’t marry me, as well as all the other problems that have been mentioned by other commenters. My solution is to move back to Eastern Europe and find a good permanent mate to be the mother of my children and give her a few more. I am healthy, in good shape and just made a bundle of money. Frankly, my feminazi partner can find a way to find for herself. She is pst-wall and totally screwed. I really tried with you Western Women, but you really are awful, selfish, entitled creatures and you deserve your fate – extinction. Reply Tommy September 11, 2010 I find this laughably off target… “Western women in Asia were like the Jennifer Anistons of the expat world…. would ever dream of striking up a conversation with one.” More likely the Asian men simply recognize that western women have ridiculous material expectations of their men and expect to be put on a pedestal at all times (instead of being equitable partners). Bringing little to the sexless & boring relationship other than expensive bathroom faucets, obesity, credit card debt and demands to work harder to afford undeserved luxuries to fit in with their consumer culture. Reply Amanda September 11, 2010 I found this to be my experience while living/ working as an ESL teacher in Bangkok, Thailand as well. Your article perfectly depicts some of my horribly low moments of single-hood…. but it was worth it for the journey. Reply Dating When You’re A Broad: It Ain’t Easy! | Taken by the Wind September 11, 2010 [...] And then there’s my article:Â No Sex in the City:Â What it’s like to be Female and Foreign in Japan. [...] Reply James Anderson October 30, 2014 > “…with a bunch of creepy Western guys” Yes, you are looking only at NPH, Ryan Gosling types to fall over themselves to date you – not the normal person isn’t it? Have you ever tried to reply back to the “creepy” person? No? Well, then serves you right. And you were wondering why only ugly men tried to approach you. Probably because you were ugly too! > “Creepy” is a favorite word of misandrists seeking to delegitimize male sexuality. Agree with this. Reply Amelia September 11, 2010 Great perspective Reannon. I’ve traveled (though not to Asia) abroad and find it almost liberating that I can roam about unheeded; I almost feeling James Bond-ish. I’m sure that would wear off if I went to a place with the intention of submersing my self in the culture and saying for more than a month or so. I also think the points you make are interesting for another reason. A few days ago, my sociology prof brought up the issue of Japan and xenophobia. Apparently, its gotten to the point that their population is actually shrinking. Any thoughts? Reply JapanSoc September 13, 2010 No Sex in the City: What It’s Like to Be Female and Foreign in Japan… It wasnâ€™t that I was beauty queen gorgeous. Far from it. Slim, medium-height, with hazel eyes and freckles, I was at best â€˜cuteâ€™ and at worst, average. But I had something that the competition d…… Reply Reannon September 13, 2010 @ Tommy – I don’t know about that…That might be a stereotype of an American woman but I wouldn’t say that it applies to the ones I met while living in Japan. I think that if you’re a single woman coming to Asia to teach English (a job that at least in Tokyo, won’t make you rich) you’ve got to have more motives in life than ‘material expectations’. Most of the western women I knew were poor and hard-working and were choosing to live abroad for the same reason men did, to escape some of the problems of the West (like the shallow, consumer culture, for instance). And not one of them was obese… You should give us a chance! ; ) I bet you’d be surprised… Reply SamuraiKevin October 30, 2014 You know, I could relate to the message that you’re lonely and frustrated with being dateless. However, why are you so insistent (along with some commentators) to be derisive of foreign men in Japan? 1. I know quite a few good-looking, socially apt white men who came to Japan and are having the time of their life, and I’m quite sad that you don’t mention them at all and instead paint the picture that every guy living abroad is a nerd. 2. You know that even guys who have socially inacceptable hobbies in the West and maybe don’t have the best body hygiene either (out of years and years of being traumatized by their peers they may just have given up trying) still have feelings? Are you okay with bullying? Because that’s essentially what you’re doing. Oh and 3., don’t women generally complain when construction workers holler, or they’re regarded in the street? Or is that just a selectional process? Like “don’t look at me when you’re not up to the standards I have in mind” or “Well, if I’m really on the down low I guess I could use some sexual harassment to make me feel better”? Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek, but honestly you’re making it hard. Reply That Guy January 15, 2015 If my wife and I ever leave each other. I say hell no to western women. I tried to many times with them and I say no more. I rather try to rape a polar bear in Alaska in the winter time. Before I even messed with another western woman again. Reply Tommy September 13, 2010 Perfect case in point to my comment earlier is the comment by Kelly above. Why is she “laughing” at “nerdy expat men with gorgeous girlfriends”? Could this statement sound any more entitled and over-privileged? Judging some guy on the surface at a mere glance and determining him to be “nerdy” and implicitly not worthy of the love of a woman? Do I need to point out how shallow and racist this is? And yet it is an entirely acceptable and common statement from the majority of expat Caucasian women? Reply Reannon September 13, 2010 “Judging some guy on the surface at a mere glance”…Isn’t that what you’re doing each time you write off a western woman abroad as “shallow and racist” or as someone who “expects to be put on a pedestal at all times”? Just sayin’… Reply Kate September 13, 2010 Japanese guys are alright but to shy. I found dating them a little boring but for white girls if you want lots of attention the caribbean and south america is the way to go. Men in those countries are romantic and fall all over white women. And Tommy we can all tell your a loser! Material expectations! Haha you think white woman are all about money wow you don’t know Japanese girls well. Reply Tommy September 13, 2010 I don’t write off western women as shallow and racist, but I will call them out on that behavior when I see it – and I did. Reply Yoji September 13, 2010 Funny thing is that Japanese women who date Westerners are not into equality. One of the first problem they encounter after marriage is that Western husband expect his wife to work. Main attraction, aside from caucasian fetish, is the perceived superior quality of married life, especially shorter working hour of her husband and more holiday. Reply Brian September 13, 2010 Wow. A lot of bitter women here. And they wonder why their alone. Reply Kelly September 13, 2010 @ Tommy – I’m not really sure what to say. How did you get ‘racist’ out of my comments? ..I’m confused. As for ‘implicitly not worthy of the love of a woman’, you couldn’t have misconstrued my comments any further. Of course love is a basic human need – I won’t get philosophical with you. What I was saying, is that the supposed superiority that western men suddenly assume, whilst living here, irks us western women beyond belief, as we know that it is a circumstantial superiority. If these same men that cast smug glances at us in Tokyo were on the streets of Chicago, London or Vancouver, they wouldn’t dare. It’s great that their self-esteem has risen – more power to ‘em. However, when the attitude creeps in, that’s when I laugh. And Tommy .. methinks thou dost protest too much … Reply valhar2000 September 10, 2014 Kelly: Don’t worry about the “sudden superiority western men assume”. It’s a scam. Japanese men, in record numbers, have done what western men, so far, can only dream of: they have overcome their addiction to pussy. Once that is done, it becomes clear that dating is a lot of work, ludicrously risky, and offers little reward, except for a tiny minority of people who get lucky. This is why Japan has the “grass-eater” phenomenon: a large number of men who are not interested in dating women, and whose only concern is doing what makes them happy. You will likely lob standardized insults at them, like “creepy” or “selfish” or “misogynist”, but since they are no longer addicted to pussy, they have no pressing reason to care what you or any other women they don’t know think. Those western men you are jealous of? They are not scoring the Japanese Queen Bee. Instead, they are her prey. And once she has them securely in her clutches, the ugly truth will be revealed to them, and they will regret the choices they made, deeply. But then, I suppose that makes it less likely you will find a willing, docile, humanoid utility drone that you can exploit, so I can see how you would be upset. Reply JT September 13, 2010 I never noticed the â€œpale, greasy hairedâ€ white guys who you obviously loathe winding up with â€œprom queens.â€ They would wind up with women who were attractive by American standards but only average by Japanese standards. This is not surprising since the impression that Japanese women love white guys is largely an illusion propogated by short-term residents who never leave Roppongi. My impression was that most Japanese women, including almost all of the more desirable ones, would not even consider dating a non-Japanese. The ones who go around trying to get foreign guys tend to occupy the fringes of Japanese society, although there are some nice, educated ones who have an international background and have different tastes for that reason. I think a woman just has to assume that if she moves from a place with a relatively low quality female population and high quality male population (e.g., San Francisco) to a place where the opposite is the case, such as Tokyo (although the men have really worked on their looks recently), that she is not going to do as well. Simply by virtue of the fact that Tokyo is a relatively young population, has low immigration and doesnâ€™t have the obesity problem of the US, the percentage of attractive women there is going to be multiple times that of a typical US city. I often refer to the US (and SF in particular) as a womanâ€™s Tokyo. In Japan, youâ€™ll see a not particularly attractive guy with a decent looking woman (say a 6 on a 10 point scale). In the US, I often see decent looking men with horribly obese and otherwise unattractive women. It is simply a different competitive environment. The US is kind of a bubble in that way and I think it creates unrealistic expectation among American women (i.e., that simply by not being fat they will be in the top 10% of the female population and showered with attention). I think the dynamic is basically like this. A guy who is a 4 in the US will be a 6 in Japan because of slightly weaker competition. Because he is a foreigner heâ€™ll only be able to get a 5 in Japan instead of another 6. But he is happy because this 5 would be a 7 by US standards, So you see that both sides are happy. The Japanese woman is a 5 but gets a 6 by Japanese standards. The US guy is happy because he would get a 4 in the US but gets a 7 by US standards in Japan. It is all based on a different competitive environment. I think that to the extent US women are not successful in finding guys in Japan, it is a result of having more competition and not being used to competing. Reply Dave September 2, 2014 I agree with jt: the average competition b/w females in j is higher than at home- I suppose it could be tough to keep up. I did find the article racist tho- does being white mean you are somehow unworthy of female attention? Or automatically a loser? Perhaps there’s a specter of unsatiated self affirmation in your very wholesome (and much “protested”) motivations for travel. Reply AdvenutreRob September 13, 2010 Great insight to the female expat in Japan. I had a presumption the Japanese were not overly interested in western people (men or women) because we aren’t so well off as they are (in aspects like finance, food, technology, etc). Although I will find out for myself when I’m there. I think it balances out on a worldwide scale though, to be a white woman in a foreign country and not get attention is less common than the countries where you will. Reply Brain September 13, 2010 This goes for Canadians too. http://www.japanprobe.com/2010/03/06/japanese-women-getting-thinner-as-american-women-become-fatter/ Reply poisonelf September 14, 2010 3 paragraphs of bitterness? Wow. And who’s to say that the “magical loophole” place is not the US ? I keep seeing couples of fit, tall, nice looking men with overweight women whom you’re not allowed to judge because they’re “empowered to be at love with their bodies as it is” etc. So it irks you that in Japan men who you call ‘nerdy’ have nice girlfriends. Tough luck, if you don’t like the culture why stay and bitch about it ? Travel back to the place were only women seem to have the right to throw smug looks. Reply Sup September 14, 2010 I find I’m having a slightly different problem. I’ve been in Japan for about three years, and while I have no problem getting Japanese guys to notice me(especially when I’m in a bar or a club), I’m having a lot of difficultly getting any of them to take me seriously. I’ve dated a few Japanese guys, and despite what they’ll tell me, they clearly only wanted a short fling, to brag to their buddies about dating a western girl. It felt like I was a novelty, and they only liked me for what I was, not for who I was. I know a lot of girls who have Japanese boyfriends, who are super sweet and awesome guys. But it seems like they’re an exception and not the rule. It seems to me that all the good Japanese guys are too shy to approach a western girl, and the ones that do aren’t looking for anything long-term. And Tommy, reaching much? Sounds like you’re just looking for a fight. Reply Phil September 14, 2010 Great article, and dead on. Thanks for sharing. There is a loophole for white girls– countries with heavily Black or Hispanic populations. There is a social inequality in race X gender combinations that has been ignored as sociologists tend to try to focus on economic inequality. Races are engendered to some degree. Asian just happens to be more feminine overall, and Black tends to be more masculine. In this stratified system that persists across the space and time, black men and asian women are on top, and black women and asian men are the losers. Whites are about… in the middle. If you think being a white female in japan is tough, try being black. Here is my suggestion for a strategy: Try the friend-first, more-than-friends-later approach with Japanese guys. If you keep it platonic at first, you lower the awkwardness barrier for a lot of them. Other than that, there are a lot of cultural factors working against you. Also, at all the bitter white guys with asian girl fetishes who felt that they were called out and responded with their bitter comments (e.g. tommy and poisonelf).. LOLOL. Just go back to your anime and english teaching. Reply Jay December 25, 2014 Oh, cut the racist nonsense. If black men are really more masculine than white man, then wouldn’t all white women want relationships with the more masculine black men instead of the more feminine white men? And yet it rarely happens. So your “more masculine” theory does not hold any water. You are mistaking masculinity with aesthetics. Some features are just more aesthetically pleasing than others. And some people, for whatever reason finds the Asian male and black female features less attractive. Reply Brandon December 26, 2014 Dunno why that guy above is claiming black men are “at the top” because they aren’t. Below isn’t the only data showing this trend: http://techland.time.com/2013/11/26/dating-app-reveals-troubling-racial-preferences/ Denise February 9, 2015 Most people of any race and ethnicity have a dating/courting/marriage preference for those within their own group. Those who date (or marry) interracially are a minority universally. Brandon’s point/link below is astoundingly blind to the fact that asking people within a majority white society who they prefer to date will tell you that “most people” prefer, guess who, white people, like themselves. And then as close to that as possible. The fact that people would use that to guage the *universal* desirability of everyone to every race and culture is an example of white culture putting itself at the center of the world. Regarding the desirability of black men, the majority do not have a preference for white women, so it wouldn’t really matter how desirable they were considered by them. Like I said, most everyone has a preference for their particular group, with a minority who choose to seek out what they consider to be exotic and different. Aside from the issues that Japan has with the US for clear historical reasons, it’s silly to assume that one would go to another country, with a highly distinct race and culture, and be the preferred choice there, and because of long, blond hair? Again, that is so culturally presumptuous. The writer didn’t seem to get that she *wasn’t* in white society with its particular aesthetic ideals. And as far as American men elsewhere, one can never separate perceptions of Americanness with perceptions of wealth or status or visa opportunities. The worthwhile documentary “Seeking Asian Female” is pretty explicit about that. Oh, and there are some good YouTube channels by black American women who went to Japan, a couple of whom married Japanese men. YouTube user names: smartalecky1, miso mauraa, there are others who are searchable… Denise February 9, 2015 Edit for the above: Regarding Asian females receiving a higher response rate, I think it has to be taken into account as well that people often use online dating (or “app” dating)–especially men–specifically to seek out interracial relationships. It’s not a standard group. Mike December 26, 2014 Bitter white guys are not allowed to respond to an article written by a bitter white girl :) ? Reply Reannon September 14, 2010 Wow. It would see like I’ve struck a nerve with this… Wow. I seem to have struck a nerve here… @ Brian – About that link…I’m not sure what the ‘American women are fat and Japanese women aren’t’ argument has to do with any of this… Obesity in the US is a definite problem for BOTH genders…but I wouldn’t say it effects the expat population in Japan much. Most of the foreigners I saw there weren’t obese (or even overweight, for that matter). But maybe your experience has been different? Reply Reannon September 14, 2010 Oops…I also seem to be repeating myself. ; ) @ JT – Really? Is the problem really as simple as ‘having more competition and not being used to competing’? I think that’s oversimplifying things a bit. I can only speak from experience, but I certainly didn’t spend my year in Japan sitting around waiting for men to ‘shower me with attention’…I was proactive about it. Generally speaking, Japanese men are shy which makes everything more difficult. I think that competition or no competition, there’s no way of getting around that. Reply Reannon September 14, 2010 @ Poisonelf – I’ve never found the US to be a ‘magical loophole’. Where are all these fit, gorgeous men with unattractive girlfriends that you guys speak of? Tell me and I’ll move there… ; ) Reply Reannon September 14, 2010 @AdventureRob – You get attention, yes. But more of the kind that Sup was talking about than anything serious… Reply JT September 14, 2010 Yes, I think it really is almost entirely about competition. Foreign men outnumber foreign women by about 5 to 1. And if even a tiny percentage of the Japanese male population had a Western woman fetish, they would exceed the supply by many thousands to one. I don’t think you can really argue that the supply of men isn’t there even if many of them are too shy. It’s the demand that is lacking. Of course, given your description of the expats as dorky and the Japanese as frightened, I guess perhaps no one is up to your standards. That said, I don’t think your experience is representative. The non-Japanese women I know in Japan, aside from North Americans, seemed to be able to find men (although they were generally other expats). I am sure their pool of potential dates was smaller than at home but that applies to the guys as well. I think if people are used to being expats they shouldn’t have any more trouble finding a guy there than in any other country. Given how tight knit the expat community is in Tokyo, it is in fact probably easier to be an expat there then in most other places. Reply JT September 14, 2010 You haven’t seen attractive guys with below average women? Try getting out in San Francisco. Reply Reannon September 14, 2010 @ JT – I’m in Hawaii right now, actually. My experience is that people tend to attract people of the same attractiveness level, whatever that may be (certain island countries in Asia, excluded of course… ; ) ). So that’s why I don’t follow your ‘ugly woman / beautiful man’ theory…but hey, maybe you’re right. I think that you’re definitely right about the dating scene in Tokyo being easier than in other places and there’s some truth to your idea that the people who find it easy to find a date at home will be able to find a date ANYWHERE, no matter how challenging the circumstances or small the dating pool may be. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not tough for the rest of us average people. I don’t know if my experience is representative of every western woman in every Asian country, but it was of my time there – and the other western women I knew there as well. And until a giant scientific study is conducted on the subject, that’s all I got… Reply JT September 14, 2010 I guess our experiences differ. It would be rude of me to photograph fat ugly women with average men so I have no way to prove my point. I also didn’t see many white men with significantly better looking women in Japan. If anything, couple of mixed attractiveness is something I see far more of in the US. I also didn’t find the white guys in Japan to fit the stereotype. First, a large percentage of them are gay so they aren’t there to chase women. A large portion of the rest are reasonably educated, well to do professionals. I think your experience is based on spending too much time with English teachers. Reply poisonelf September 14, 2010 @Reannon Sorry to disappoint, but it’s not so much that you struck a nerve, since I’m European, living in Europe, and NOT dating a Japanese woman. It’s that while your article is interesting at first, you then spend 3 paragraphs insulting and belittling men out of spite, jealousy, or what have you. I say bravo to any man or woman who struck gold as you seem to say in the dating world. And most comments by women do not respond to the core of your point, but to those 3 paragraph, also oozing spite for no reason. So yeah, it’s obnoxious. Reply poisonelf September 14, 2010 Also, my comments on overweight women and attractive guys are based on many friends from the US (I studied in an American college), sorry but I can’t pin point a specific location. And finally it seems that a few people here, both male and female, disagree with whether Japanese men date Western women or not. Perhaps it’s not the culture after all… Reply Kelly September 14, 2010 Reannon, I think you just struck a nerve, because a lot of western men are super-defensive about this topic – maybe because they know it to be true. My gaijin male friends here are cool enough to laugh at their counterparts, and themselves. It’s a funny part of being foreign in this culture, that’s all. Of course, it is a stereotype, and a lot of men here that I know are educated professionals, a lot of whom are dating western women too. @poisonelf, Japanese men do date western women, but they tend to be men that have lived overseas, or at least speak another language. Also, I don’t think that we are responding out of spite – and it’s not obnoxious .. Note that the men on this thread have vastly different opinions and perspectives from the women. Who’s right and who’s wrong? Who can say – but both genders have the right to speak out. And if you think that the women are being obnoxious, I challenge you to read what the men have written above, re: western women being materialistic, overweight, and entitled. Reply Reannon September 14, 2010 @ poisonelf- I don’t think what I wrote was any more ‘belittling’ or ‘insulting’ than calling someone ‘obnoxious’ and ‘bitter’ for poking a little fun at a stereotype… @ Kelly – Yeah, everyone needs to lighten up! I think this is the case of the pot calling the kettle ‘bitter’. Sheesh. Reply poisonelf September 14, 2010 Well, as you say, no reason to turn this into a never ending series of veiled or all-out insults. Opinions are opinions and this is the internetz. It’s just that sometimes I feel Western women choose to only recognize two extremes. One is submissive/victimized/hapless woman and the other over-empowered/superiority complex/deserve-to-rule-world princess. I kind of prefer the middle ground of equality, respect and harmony. And sorry, you can try to deny it, but comments like “I wonder if they know that weâ€™re laughing at them â€¦” stem off of mindsets belonging to that second extreme I described. PS. I never called all Western women overweight, that would be silly. I said, in the US especially, overweight women marrying average or slightly above average guys is quite common, and burn the man who dares comment. Reply Jason September 14, 2010 @Reannon – Thanks for the article. I currently live in Japan and deal with the frustrations of culture clash on a daily basis. I don’t really like to make hollow inferences, so I will try my best to provide some evidence to my comments. A few things: -Foreign languages–and most potently English–are a realm plundered most by women in Japan. This trend is seen throughout the world as well, but more strikingly so in Japan. Men typically do not study foreign languages as eagerly as women; this could be a major reason for why Japanese women are more willing to speak with people of different nationalities and cultures than their male counterparts. There is quite a bit of research behind this hypothesis, but you would have to synthesize several different sources to grasp the broadview. For example, many studies contradict one another, but they draw from different demographics (those who study English, people of certain industries, general population, etc). Good example: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-971X.2007.00488.x/abstract - From a male perspective, I can absolutely relate to the anxiety a Japanese man might feel if a foreign woman started flirting with him. It is stressful enough to be confident in public with the intention of getting laid. But when a woman approaches me and she either speaks my language with a heavy accent or a foreign language, my confidence rapidly deflates. How do I be charming? How do I be funny? I know this is a character flaw, but I feel most men take upon this responsibility when they are single and mingling. - My advice to any woman abroad in Japan: make good friends with your foreign male friends. No, make great friends with them. They will be your wingman. It is much easier for Japanese men to talk to foreign men. We, as a gender, understand eachother enough to know when they are interested in talking to a woman. We will go up to the Japanese guy and make them feel comfortable in talking with you. I help my female friends here in this way, to great success. - In order to make friends with us, don’t make fun of us or patronize us. I am balding, but some women like that! Daddy issues are awesome. - From my understanding, it is also difficult for a Japanese woman in Japan in get a date with a good guy. The only men confident enough to approach them are also arrogant and selfish. Foreign men, however, are eager to date and approach women. So perhaps that is the two-headed serpant: Japanese men are not successful in approaching women, so many women (including women of different cultures) experience a much less active sex life. And who is there to pick up the slack? The non-Japanese men, of course. - Foreign men also struggle with their sex lives in Japan. It’s not like shooting fish in a barrel. I do feel we have an immediate advantage though. I am reminded of the iconic “Spanish foreign exchange student”, or the “mysterious British guitar player”. There is something about the mystery, exoticism, and uncertainty of a foreigner to a woman that simply makes things easier for men. It is convensional wisdom within our culture, often depicted in film and television, and I believe that attitude translates to Japan. That’s not our fault, it’s just the advantage of any man who stands out in a foreign country. Reply Unchi-kun September 14, 2010 you can keep the Western women in the west. They are fat, evil and smell like yeast. in addition, they think that everyone should be nice to them. They seem to be expecting some thing that they do not deserve. I say stay away eeeuuuwwww! Western woman black or white. eeeeeww, nasty. Reply fred September 15, 2010 Bitterness abounds. So you were mad that guys you felt were below YOUR standards were somehow dating out of what you considered their league to be? Sounds like you deserve to be alone. Reply jeff73 September 15, 2010 15 years ago I was working for NEC and took a few of the visiting Japanese sararimen bigwigs out on the town after hours. Around 12 shots into the evening one of them said that a common belief among his countrymen was that western women have big, loose vaginas to accommodate the larger western penises, and that white and black women were seen as less desirable in Japan due to that fact. He might have been fucking with me but he seemed a touch too drunk to be capable of deception. Reply sonya April 29, 2014 that’s interesting. perhaps japanese males have smaller dicks on average. sorry but japanese males in general are not attractive at all. i wonder what they say about japanese or any asian women who slept with white or black males? Reply Boozefighter Rich October 29, 2014 Well, I’m sure Japan is close as Korea in regards to the culture (they are similar) and I lived in Korea for 12 years. If you’re in public with a Korean woman, or asian in general not knowing she’s not Korean (like my ex-wife who is American born Laotian) they will slut shame her in their native tongue. Calling her a foreigner’s whore, etc… I’ve had that numerous times happen and since I spoke Korean would shoot right back. Jay December 25, 2014 Right, and I am sure they do not find you attractive as well. jeff73 September 15, 2010 “My comment is awaiting moderation.” In my experience that usually translates to “My comment will see the light of day if it doesn’t diverge too far from the site owner’s views. Otherwise, hello bit bucket! A better solution if you desire non-sycophantic discourse is to make it hard for bots to register via various means like annoying captchas. Add a captcha to this site and I will likely curse it when it rejects my fourth try to match its inscrutable pattern, but I will also not look down on you Reply jeff73 September 15, 2010 also not look down on you for appearing to be afriad of what I might have to say. Reply jeff73 September 15, 2010 Afriad indeed. I meant to type ‘afraid.’ And now Reannon has the power to make me look like an idiot via selective moderation approval =( Reply divemedic September 15, 2010 In my travels, I saw the same thing from a male’s perspective, and I have a slightly different take on it. The problem is that American women are known the world over as being self-centered and demanding princesses who feel like men should be kissing up to their posteriors. Not so in Europe, and most assuredly not true in Japan. Reply michaelqtodd September 15, 2010 @Tommy Spot on dude Reply Tony M September 15, 2010 @jeff73 no you managed that all by yourself… I think there are a lot of people commenting who have very little or no personal experience of living in Japan. It’s not bitterness that drives the person to write this article… much more likely frustration and loneliness. The Japanese have a huge awe for the West… and pick and choose many fashion and cultural elements to blend in with their own culture, but they do not take the culture that have given birth to them- they seem a superficial wrapping on top of the Feudal class system that exists in a very way today in japan. the greasy (not always) foreign nerd however is never allowed to enter this system and remains firmly outside, this is double edged… you can date all ranks of society without the usual “way above your level”, because they all presume foreigners live like the role models they are bombarded with (George Clooney / Brad Pitt etc. (Suntorry time)). The down side is that you will never really be able to integrate deep down…. this is compounded for women as the feudal hierachy dictates that women are automatically below the male, so how do they handle this and why would they want to buck the system of the guys being pampered by their submissive wife, having an opinionated wife/partner/girlfriend in public in Japan is like playing with fire, opinions are not welcome or expected. Japan is quite an old fashioned place in many respects, and conformity is rife, the nail that sticks out gets hammered down. Reply Tony M September 15, 2010 “you can keep the Western women in the west. They are fat, evil and smell like yeast.” This is hilarious… I think the same thing was said of bread in the 18th century. One last comment, failure is seen as very un-macho in Japan. The potential for a Japanese man to look a fool using a language he’s not familiar with is enough to make the unsure decide to keep their mouth shut. As @JT mentioned… if you have little confidence in your ability to add humour or flirt it’s going to be a very brave guy who heads into the storm approaching. Reply Reannon September 15, 2010 @jeff73 – I don’t own this site…therefore I have nothing to do with comment moderation. Reply usnerd September 15, 2010 As an average looking, career-successful, white guy in the US, I felt the same way. I.e. seemingly invisible to attractive white women under 150lb. Having then tried expat life in Japan, I am glad there is a place where some of us are more appreciated. :-) Reply Reannon September 15, 2010 Wow, you guys. I feel like this an Elementary school playground and all the boys are telling the girls that they’re smelly and evil. It’s pretty funny how personal everyone seems to have taken it all. I also think that it’s interesting that American women in particular seem to be getting the most of the insults. Divemedic, you mentioned that American women are “known the world over as being self-centered and demanding” but wouldn’t you say that’s a widely-held stereotype of Americans in general? Wouldn’t you say that quality affects both genders equally? Reply JT September 15, 2010 I second divemedic. American women are a common object of ridicule among the Europeans (as are Americans generally). I never heard them discussed by the Japanese but when I would solicit opinions they were polite but negative. @Reannon – you make negative blanket generalizations about an entire demographic (even though it isn’t really that closely related to the point you were trying to make), agree with the catty comments of the equally bitter female posters you attract, but then, when a few male posters disagree in a (generally) measured way, you call them childish? That’s hilarious and so girly. If you’d been that flamboyantly feminine in Tokyo, maybe you wouldn’t have had a problem :) Reply Reannon September 15, 2010 @ Jt – “When a few male posters disagree in a (generally) measured way…” Dude, ‘measured’ wouldn’t be the word that I’d use to describe some of those comments. I mean, calling all American women fat and EVIL? Nevermind what Jeff said… I wasn’t calling anyone childish. I was trying to lighten the mood of this comments’ forum because I think it’s gotten, well, intense. I would say that 90 percent of both the female AND male commenters have had very interesting, polite and intelligent things to say on the subject. Stop trying to pick a fight with me! It won’t work… Truce, okay? Reply Stu September 15, 2010 Honestly… American women tend to have a terrible reputation the world over, and i can only imagine how ingrained these stereotypes and rumours get ingrained when it comes to places as xenophobic as Japan. Not to say it’s true, but from experience most Americans don’t really help themselves. I really do hate to generalise, but i couldn’t help but laugh when out of all the reasons you picked for them not finding you attractive, it was because they were intimidated by your western charms and strength of mind. Reply Allan September 15, 2010 @ Stu Right on. That’s the main root of the problem. What Western Women think is attractive to men is not what men in any other country (except Western Countries) want. I have traveled all over the world conducting a multi-billion dollar business, and American/Canadian women are valued about as much as a homeless man in New York City. They are viewed as feminazis, narcissistic, histrionic, materialistic, shallow, and useless. Now I am not one to generalize, but even from my own experience, I cannot say this viewpoint is not that far from the truth. Why else do you think America has one of the highest divorce rates in the world? Generally speaking, American women make the worst WIVES, but are known for being great for CASUAL UNATTACHED SEX. And all of those things I just said do not come from my mouth, but from the mouths of others. Its sad really, but in all reality the whole feministic/materialistic revolution is probably to blame. I’m all for equal rights and treating someone right, but I think American women have lost their perspective of how to be a wife and especially a CLASSY LADY. Sorry if I offend anyone, as I do not mean to attack anyone personally. This is just what I have experienced and heard through my many travels around the world. Reply PENIS Master September 15, 2010 I think your problem was how you went about trying to meet people. I come from London, and strangers rarely talk to each other in busses or trains, or in coffee shops. I was once chatted up by a foreign woman, and I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. At time, I was just waiting for a bus. I was just trying to travel somewhere, and wasn’t looking to make friends or anything. I think it might be similar in Japan. Instead, you need to go to some kind of social club. I dunno, though. PENIS! Heh heh. And also, dressing up in skimpy clothes probably didn’t help either. It probably made you look ‘easy’. Reply Allan September 15, 2010 @Reannon, You said this: I also think that itâ€™s interesting that American women in particular seem to be getting the most of the insults. Divemedic, you mentioned that American women are â€œknown the world over as being self-centered and demandingâ€ but wouldnâ€™t you say thatâ€™s a widely-held stereotype of Americans in general? Wouldnâ€™t you say that quality affects both genders equally? Honestly, American men across the world are considered the best husbands and are held on a pedestal as the way a man should be. As I stated in my earlier post, American women are valued on the other end of the spectrum. They are seen as “feminazis, narcissistic, histrionic, materialistic, shallow, and useless.” As I made clear earlier, this is NOT coming from my mouth or expereinces, but solely from what other men and women across the earth have told me. But after seeing women from all different cultures, I would agree that it is the blatent truth. Looks are rather unimportant, but I will touch on them anyway, since you would think all that narcissism would be a positive influence on outward appearance. American women aren’t far ahead (or ahead at all). With obesity being such a problem, much of the population is already discarded. Eastern Europe has some of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Asian women are very attractive and fit too. Latino women are incredibly sexy as well. The main thing that helps the countries in these regions is most DO NOT have an obesity problem. Reply Charisma Man September 16, 2010 Wow, FOUR non-Japanese stereotypes in one blog post: mocking of the mythical Charisma Man (which is really a media creation, much like women “cougars”) and the injustice of the Bitter White Woman in Japan, written by the The Permanent Migrant / Professional English Teacher. A pity you couldn’t find something to write that wasn’t a well known cliche. Most non-Japanese (referring to the G7/G8 crowd, not the majority of non-Japanese, which are Chinese, Korean, and Brazilian) live, work, and play in the “gaijin bubble.” If you had paid more attention to Charisma Man and looked past his beards, baldness, middle age, stringy hair, you would notice that the Charisma Man meets Japanese women inside the Gaijin Bubble and they tend to stay there. And THIS is what makes Charisma Man so popular with the ladies. When foreigners are primarily around other foreigners, they have virtual home field advantage when they meet and socialize with the opposite sex: they talk in their native language (perhaps with a smattering of Japanese here and there to sound not completely bubbled), talk about things that they know about (pop culture, politics, life in Japan as a foreigner), and can keep the conversation from being driven outside of their comfort zone as the Japanese partner is outnumbered. When confronted, every foreigner will always deny living in the bubble because being seen as adaptable, worldly, and able to “go native” is desirable. But the reality is that any short term (less than three years) non-Japanese is going to spend the majority of their time in that bubble (whether they want to be there or not) or alone because admission into the Japanese bubble simply requires more time, experiences, and exposure than a year as an English teacher can provide. Take away the Gaijin Bubble, and Charisma Man doesn’t do so well (this holds true not just with relationships, but this also applies to the workplace). Like the Charisma Man, many non-Japanese woman also live in the Gaijin Bubble. AND THIS IS THE MAIN REASON WHY MEETING MEN IS HARD. Men, both in Japan and in Western cultures, are not expected to be submissive, despite the advances in sexual equality. They are expected to lead. But it’s very difficult for a Japanese man to lead when the woman spends too much time in the Gaijin Bubble. He’s either going to be a listener or is going to risk looking foolish and looking like a buffoon by speaking in broken English and not understanding the jokes and cultural references. The Charisma Man, on the other hand, can lead most of the time when in the bubble, even though he’s technically in a foreign land. And if the relationship has legs, he can take his relationship back home to his native country, where he can continue to have home field advantage with respect to language, work, culture, and friends. The Japanese man? No chance of a long term relationship, as he knows that 99.9% of foreigners from G7 countries leave Japan within three years (five tops). If he follows, he will live permanently outside his home field advantage. There are a few men that take that plunge, of course. But they are the minority. There are always exceptions, of course (some Japanese men love being in the Gaijin Bubble, and most Japanese women actually hate it). To summarize: the reason you had a hard time meeting Japanese men is because you needed to live here longer, speak more Japanese, and hang out with less foreigners. (and even then, it’s not easy. But it’s not easy for the men, either) Reply Day-Bee-Toe September 16, 2010 As an “ugly” Japanese guy, I agree some points that some Japanese girls have weird fetishism with “gaijins”, not necessarily with whites but quite commonly with blacks and sometimes Koreans etc. (recall the popularity of Korean TV dramas) In fact, such naivety is a common stereotype of some sorts of young women. They are merely attracted to something that seems to be “extraordinary” to them because they are sick of their tiresome everyday life and they’re longing fore “anywhere but here”. But honestly, at the same time I have a single point I don’t fully agree with. “Japanese men were in fact attracted to western women but were just too intimidated to do anything about it” Sometimes yes — I mean, if they are from Hollywood. But in many cases, they don’t care a Western woman more than they care a Japanese woman. They may often give a glance to her in the city, but it’s only because she is visually noticeable from others, because of her appearance, and they cannot help looking at her reflexibly (and evading their eyes at the next moment to become aware that they were being rude). Truth is, in my opinion, talking to a stranger is not so common in Japan as you expect, especially among younger generation or in big cities like Tokyo and Osaka (and maybe this is one of the reasons of the growing unmarriedness of the population here in the society going individualistic). Most Western expats seem quite reluctant to mix with local people and always with their expat friends (for instance, they are always complaining on the Web about the “xenophobiac” Japanese society and its people, but as they never do it in Japanese, few of us realize it and the problems will remain unsolved forever). As a result, most guys here, including me, hardly know them personally and are scarcely so interested in them, from the first place. To sum up, what is strange is not that Western women are unpopluar, but that Western men are popular. Sorry if this sounded “xenophobiac”, which I know is the common image among Western expats here and I didn’t mean to be, but as there seemed to be a consequence of misunderstanding of discommunication, I wrote this. Anyway, I enjoyed this post as an essay. Thank you for sharing your feeling. Reply Are North American Women Really THAT Bad? | Taken by the Wind September 17, 2010 [...] been interesting to read the comments people have left on that article I wrote for Vagabondish.Â While the article was entitled ‘What It’s Like to be Female and Foreign in [...] Reply ICD September 17, 2010 > reccomendatioins > english teacher i smell bullshit Reply Warren September 17, 2010 Women of the Anglosphere are going to have to realize that they have low market value on the global dating scene. As a first generation immigrant here in the US I was shocked at the incredible amount of self-conceited arrogance of the average American woman, acting in ways that would have never flown in the old country, and American men are saints for tolerating them. For this reason I only date other expats. If you wanted to find romance abroad it’s best to stick with other expats. I have an Australian friend who was living at Seoul teaching English and had the exact same problems as you. She’s a tall pretty red head who wasn’t interested in other expats and badly wanted a Korean boyfriend but Korean men completely ignored her. Needless to say she gave up after a while and hooked up with the first expat to show interest in her. So here’s a tip for all Anglo women, stick to your own kind. Reply Karlos September 18, 2010 @Jacqui B. (10/9/10) Shouldn’t be a problem, Kiwi’s are very friendly. They don’t have the tradition of U.S. style “dating” though so it can be a bit confusing. http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/entertainment/blogs/greer-2-0/2370791/The-Kiwi-dating-scene Reply Kellytancita September 18, 2010 Reannon – First of all I’m impressed by all the bitterness this article drew out in the other readers! And second, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I lived last year near Hamamatsu, and one of the biggest shocks for me was definitely the charisma man effect! But I had a harder time cheering those guys on. Since gender equality really isn’t the trend there just yet, I met guy after anime-loving guy who dated beautiful Japanese women and treated them like servants! I didn’t end up making it as long as you did…I quit after 6 months. How’s South/Central America though? I’m thinking Argentina is next for me!! Reply Charisma Man September 19, 2010 Kellytancita: SIX MONTHS?! And you’re impressed that the “vagabondish” writer lasted for little UNDER A YEAR? Are you kidding me? With a time frame that short, I seriously doubt you understood much of what was going on around you. As the foreign population of Hamamatsu is approximately 33,000, with only about 10% or less of those being (G8) Western (3,300), and about half being men (1,600 western men), I also doubt, based on statistical probability and the very small population size, that you actually met “guy after [animÃ©] loving guy who dated beautiful [JP] women and treated them like servants.” And besides, the animÃ© otaku are traditionally stereotyped as being reclusive and anti-social and avoiding real flesh-and-blood women. So which stereotype is it? You can’t have it both ways. Do you know how to say “exaggeration” in Japanese? How about “I just made that up (based on stuff I read on the internet) to support my opinion?” Six months (and less than one year in the case of the author): Not enough time to learn a language. Not enough time to settle into the community. Not enough time to develop a career. Not even enough time to need a non-temporary visa. And you two wonder why you can’t develop a relationship. What a joke. Complain again after six YEARS, then people might take you seriously. Real relationships take time. Casual sex? Not so much, but I’m assuming that’s not what you were looking for â€“ and if it was what you were looking for, you should have been able to easily get it even as a Western woman in Japan. If not, well, You’re Doing It Wrong. But of course, it’s easy to blame something or somebody else rather than yourself. A bonus if you can blame the Western man (rather than the Japanese man or Japanese woman), because then nobody can call you out for being racist or sexist. Anyway, hope you have a better time in Argentina. I suggest you do a web search before you go: Latin America (and Eastern Europe) are also considered to be difficult terrain for expat Western women in addition to Southeast Asia and Japan. Reply Bad Communication » Blog Archive » We Do What We Want ‘Cause a Pirate Is Free! September 20, 2010 [...] http://www.vagabondish.com/female-foreign-japan/ posted by Hiroki Matsuuchi in Episodes and have No Comments Tags: election, female, high-speed rail, Japan Talk, math, pirate, podcast, politics, Prime Minister Kan, rail, sex, teacher [...] Reply JT September 20, 2010 Charisma Man – I agree. If people are so overwhelmed by being an expat that they have to leave after mere months, I don’t think they are adaptable enough to be expats. It is probably best for them to stay home and limit time abroad to vacations or have more realistic expectations and a willingness to make a more serious commitment before they leave. A lot of these complaints read like an 18 year old writing home during his first month away at college. Reply No Sex in the City: Female and Foreign in Japan | A Travel Story September 20, 2010 [...] Continue reading… [...] Reply Jorge September 20, 2010 Wow, thats impressive. Those Japs are weird. Move to a latin country. I would say Mexico because thats where Im from and its very beautiful, but the truth is right now I would not recommend it for drug cartel reasons. However, there are many other latin countries, including Spain, that have sort of the same culture of loving the sight of Western women, where the only thing you need is to be blonde to be automatically attractive to most men. Reply Dave Faulkmore September 20, 2010 I have a different take on this issue. * foreigners, regardless of sex, tend not to go out of their way to become friends with other foreigners. Once u realize we foreigners are a small minority, we should spend more time building relationships with other foreigners. * Maybe a contributing factor is just not meeting enough people. I run foreigner friendly drinking parties in Ikebukuro (and yes white and black women come too). Grab a drink then come up and ask me and i’ll introduce you to foreign guys that would like to date foreigner women. To save time, you should ask me to make that introduction. It breaks down barriers quickly to be direct and honest. Reply Day-Bee-Toe September 22, 2010 @Jorge Wow, thats impressive. Those Japs are weird. Yes, maybe, but surely not so much as you, who insult others only for one entry in someone else’s blog. Reply Matt September 23, 2010 @Reannon In 1995, I visited Japan for a three weeks as part of the U.S. Judo Goodwill team. I had a friend who was 6’2″ and blond and not nerdy at all and the Japanese Girls (we were both 17 at the time) flocked to him like moths to a flame. I on the other hand, being of asian decent (half chinese), was completely ignored. I wasn’t seeking a serious relationship, or anything intimate, merely companionship, but it became evident that I was a non entity. My point is, that Western Women in Japan aren’t the only ones who suffer from this phenomena that you outlined and that westerners of Asian decent who are far removed from their asian culture (I don’t speak any Chinese at all) are in a similar predicament. Reply D September 27, 2010 “All of them were bearded and balding. All of them resembled the aging, stringy-haired members of the band Metallica.” “the pale, rail-thin, greasy-haired white boy” “These men wouldnâ€™t have been able to score a date at home” “the socially awkward” “dorky expat brothers” Why would we want to date you, when your contempt for us is so obvious? We don’t get this kind of crap from Asian women. That’s why we date them and not you. Reply Neale September 29, 2010 I have been away from the west for a short while and I with you all the way, I’d say from a somewhat normal males perspective someone like yourself would be like a breath of fresh air… great article…. Reply Gringo October 2, 2010 Interesting article. I am thinking about making a move to teach in Japan from South America. I just want to live in a more modern country with a higher standard of living. I have always imagined that Japanese guys hate american guys or something. I guess I thought this because I read that in Japan they wont let American guys into clubs and bars. I am an american expat in Brazil, and wow do we get attention down here. There are many, many more women than men in general in Brazil, add this to the sad but true fact that Brazilian men have a bad reputation as cheaters. (before I get flamed I said they have the reputation, not that they all are) and American guys, if they are not overweight or ugly, can date girls so beautiful that you can’t imagine. Brazilian are all about looks though, so the nerd is not going to get very far down here. But if you are a good looking American man down here you will literally have model like women STALKING you… this turns into a big problem when giving private lessons… “is she going to keep paying for the lessons after she realises I am NOT going to date her or sleep with her?” you might ask yourself… the answer is… No, she is not. ANWAYS>>>> I prefer to date western women even if they are not the long legged super model types we have down here in Brazil… that’s because I find western women to be able to hold a stimulating conversation, and I can simply relate to them on a deeper level because of our shared culture and language. So maybe I should go to Japan and find a lot of dating opportunities with all the single expat babes! If the Japanese guys are too shy to even buy a girl a drink that’s their loss!! Reply Day-Bee-Toe October 2, 2010 @Gringo “I have always imagined that Japanese guys hate american guys or something.” Who told you that? As a Japanese guy, I can assure you that’s not true if I am not deluded. I know no one who hate American guys. Of course there exist some people here who hate the American Government, not people, because of their ideology (most of them are ultra leftist, not right wingers), but they are so rare that you can forget them and there would be no problem. Reply Reannon October 2, 2010 @ Gringo – Wow, sounds like you have a good deal going for ya down there in S. America…Why leave? I mean, super models stalking you…I wish I had that problem! Anyway, Japanese men don’t hate Western guys. That thing about them not letting foreigners into bars…that’s really rare these days. I don’t think you should have a problem. Reply Top 150 travel blogs for students ~ Blog ~ CollegeScholarships.org October 6, 2010 [...] tips and recommendations for the most popular RTW travel destinations. Recommended posts: “No Sex in the City: What Itâ€™s Like to Be Female and Foreign in Japan“Â and “4 Reasons Why Travelers Make Great English Teachers (and Vice [...] Reply Jen October 9, 2010 Hi Reannon, When I was living/working in Japan I heard foreign women discuss this phenomenon. It seemed to be the trend/epidemic that western guys/japenese-girl coupling was much more common then the reverse. Here’s what i noticed. when i arrived and for most of the time i was there i did get a fair bit of attention from western guys and some from japanese guys i met at social clubs and work. Like you, I am not drop-dead gorgeous but rather cute/average. The attention i usually received, however, was not sincere. I taught at a university where most of the colleagues in my department (English) were western males in their 30′s and 40′s and most of them happen to be married to Japanese ladies. Like many of their Japanese counter-parts, they wouldn’t go home until late but not due to work rather lingering around the office watching videos, playing computer games or engaging in long, long conversations with us, female colleagues or going out with the boys for beer and/or hostess clubs. At social gatherings, they usually sat with each other at one table, rarely interacting with their wives. When their kids approach school-age, they are faced with a dilemma: Sending a bi-racial child to school in a homogenous country like Japan is not easy. However, sending them to an international school is very expensive, especially on a single-income teacher’s salary (wives there usually don’t work there). Another option is to go back home. Many often have to return because the wives whose English is competent by local standards is usually way below what is needed to obtain employment or even survive in the USA etc. Furthermore, many do not have the skills or training to compete in the work force where dual-income households are the norm. This what i frequently observed after the honeymoon is over! Reply burnov October 9, 2010 I love how feminists are all convienent biological and evolutionary determinists when it suits them. However the second you start discussing intrinsic differences between men and women which serve to explain and further justify the social and economic stratification of society, they shit themselves. Hilariously bitter. Reply hans October 10, 2010 American women. The most entitled creatures on the planet. And even when reality takes you by the neck and shoves your noses into your shitty attitude you manage to blame everybody else for being nothing but horrible partners to men. You may laugh at the nerds youÂ´re feeling so much better than. But they will get laid and make money for their new families while you will end up as cat ladies when the bad-boy cock carousel throws you off for the new hot tweens. Karma is indeed a bitch. Love it. Reply jjerry October 12, 2010 While many of the people posting on this are definitely bitter internet hero’s there is a good point to be made about the American mindset and how it affects this. It is true that you don’t look inward to figure out why you weren’t getting the attention that you thought you were entitled to. It’s also true that you don’t appreciate that you are in Rome, and the burden is on you to adhere to Rome’s expectations and not the other way around. American women really are pretty screwed up. They are encouraged by their culture and the women around them to have a high set of expectations and a glorified sense of their own self worth, to treat “men” as some unified group and to disregard them as individuals. American men get used to being treated very poorly by women and if they talk about it they are told that “men treat women like that all the time” which is not a good excuse nor is it particularly true. Because the women never learn to treat men with respect as equal human beings, capable of the full range of thoughts, emotions and dreams, they live within a framework of rules and expectations when trying to interact with them. This largely consists of sending severely mixed signals and failing to communicate effectively. As men from other culture’s are not typically used to dealing with this, they interpret it like any outsider would, as a lack of interest in them. Try treating this person exactly like you want to be treated and ignore learned gender rules and you’ll have far more succcess. Reply ZazieBlu October 12, 2010 Hmm…I am not sure how the view any of this…lol. I think things have changed since I was last in Japan. But when I traveled there a lot back in 2003-2006, I had many Japanese men as friends and a Japanese boyfriend who was pretty cute. And before you even ask, no I am not cute, rail thin, or white. I didn’t go to Japan looking for a man period but I did go to have a good time and a good time was had by all. Yet, I have heard all the stories about foreign women having a time getting a date in the land of the rising sun. Your article was an informative and open look at how you felt about your experiences as a foreign woman in Japan. It took some courage to put that all out there so thank you for sharing it with us. I’m not sure what attracts the opposite sex these days…I’m an old timer by today’s standards nowxD but don’t give up and be positive. I know that sounds like a self-help slogan but it works for me. I am the one who doesn’t expect a guy to notice me let alone buy me a drink and yet the opposite happens. So keep the faith, he or she is out there people. ^_^ Reply The World According to San Francisco | Backpacker 2.0 October 16, 2010 [...] ……………. « $1134 — Bali from L.A., Roundtrip incl. All Taxes & Fees $789 — Fly to Tokyo or Osaka from the West Coast (R/T) » [...] Reply JJ October 18, 2010 Thank you writing this article. I found it very interesting and it was nice to hear of others with similar experiences. Some of the comments from the male demographic are very shocking and uncivilized. Asia can sometimes bring out the worst in men, shame they can’t keep their feet on the ground. Japanese male-foreign female marriages actually outnumber foreign male-Japanese female marriages. It’s just they are less visible as the foreign brides tend to be Asian (e.g. Filipino, Taiwanese). Maybe it’s just that Japanese guys tend to prefer the Asian phenotype. Reply AnnaTrouble October 28, 2010 I don’t know if it’s just me, or what, but I totally disagree with the author of this article. But then again, I don’t live in Tokyo, so maybe there the situation is indeed different. I am married (to a Japanese guy), I’m not pretty, I’m nothing extraordinary (thin, blond, wholly average), and I can’t complain about the lack of attention. I get J-guys chatting me up in konbini parking lots. I smile at people (both men and women – not unheard of in the countryside) and men smile back, maybe even too eagerly. Going to any festival gets me at least a couple of name cards (phone numbers) and date offers, all from much younger Japanese guys, who are quite sad to find out that I’m married. Really, I don’t see how a western bilingual woman could stay single in Japan for more than a month. And I had to ask my resident J-guy for his thoughts on this. His answer – attitude. Uppity attitude and a smell of desperation are universal turn offs for guys, all over the world. His words, not mine. So now you have it, from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. Reply MIchael October 28, 2010 good read…it’s one perspective from a women who’s first expectations were shaped with someone saying â€œTokyoâ€™s a tough city to be single â€¦ If youâ€™re, you know â€¦ a western woman.â€ Stop acting like you are all a bunch of human behavioral experts. Reply Flugle T. Horn November 2, 2010 You are absolutely right. However, for smart foreign men, I am including myself here, the dating pool is made even more vast by the existence of the dateless foreign women. I have happily (and unhappily) dated foreign women who are WAAAAAY out of my league. This has had a serious ego fattening affect and I will certainly need counseling in order to re-adjust to life back in Canada but, for the time-being, I have super-powers. I wish you better luck in love, lust and all the wonderful little human things that make it fun to discover new people. Happy Hunting! ~Horndog Reply Grover Cooper November 5, 2010 Just found this web site and this was the first article I read… if all articles are this good, I think I have discovered a new favorite web site. I am a little surprised at some the uproar from a few readers… as a western man who spent some time in Japan (along with my western woman wife) I think I can be an objective observer. I thought Reannon was right on every account AND she did a wonderful job of pointing out a very real issue while at the same time being provocative and funny. Great article Reannon, looking forward to the next one. Reply Charles Jannuzi November 8, 2010 It’s a very male-dominated society, but they don’t flirt much openly in public. Foreign men are for the most part outside the norms, as are foreign women. Life in the big city of Tokyo is somewhat different, since there are so many foreigners there, unlike many other parts of Japan. Reply Lady November 10, 2010 Welcome to the black women’s world in the USA where one is at the bottom of the dating pole….. Reply hoffman November 11, 2010 damn, bringing up the Gaijin God topic is always a good way to spark debate and touch on emotions. Have to say, as a Canadian white male married with kids to an Asian and living in Asia for 20 years, in general gotta agree with the author. Yep, our Western culture has trended in the last 100 years to allowing / giving more rights and equalities to females and to some males apparently, this is hard to accept. These males usually have a hard enough time as it were in this world, so the extra competition and “attitude” posed by Westernized females only makes their lives more difficult – career wise and in particular with interacting with members of the opposite sex. Their anger and bitterness is usually kept a lid on back in their home country but when they come to Asia, where males generally still occupy more dominant position vis-a-vis the genders, emotions sometimes boils over. Coupled with the fact that for some only god knows reason, many Asian women have a thing for White boys – leads to the Gaijin God phenomena. Consequently, Western woman can be a easy target – belittling, name calling, feminazis overtures bordering on misogyny and so on. Yeah, we are top of the totem poles again – lets get our licks in. I’ve seen it in Korea, Japan, Thailand, Taiwan and the Mainland. Most reasonable and open minded people however, will understand and agree that gender equality is a good thing and a moral standard all cultures around the world should strive towards. It ‘s a mystery to me how some of us drop our engrained values (and a good deal of grey matter), once we step on a plane to Asia. Reply Sande November 15, 2010 Interesting article. I read it and other similar articles on the plight of foreign women before going to Tokyo, and prepared myself for loneliness, and even bought a flexible ticket in case I wanted to leave Japan for a friendlier country. My experience has been the complete opposite… I have never had so much male attention in my life!! Here is why: 1. I realised very quickly that Japanese women tend to be very elegant, and my “traveler clothing” just wouldn’t cut it for socialising in Japan. I bought a few new feminine outfits for socialising. (This was very difficult, as I don’t fit into Japanese sizes). 2. I don’t usually wear makeup, but invested in mascara, eyeshadow, lipliner and lipgloss, to complete my outfit. 3. I made friends with Japanese girls, who were happy to take me along to social events, and introduce me to Japanese guys 4. I am working really hard to improve my Japanese language skills, especially pronunciation, so that I can have a conversation with Japanese guys 5. I smileâ€¦ A LOT and make a real effort to make people at ease. I also make an effort to understand someone when their English is really bad, and give them positive and encouraging feedback 6. Also, whenever a Japanese man I liked has asked me whether I liked Japanese men, I have smiled and said “YES” and pretty soon afterwards, we’d swap numbers, emails, or I’d get an invitation for dinner / karaoke 7. This is so important: I have been approached by sleazy men on the street, but if you want to be approached by a nice guy, you need to go somewhere where he has the opportunity to approach you. For example, a standing bar, a party, or some sort of social or networking event I read a lot of comments from posters about overweight American women. I’m also overweight, but lucky to have an hour-glass figure, and smart enough to wear clothes to flatter my figure. I have had a lot of comments from Japanese men about my “nice body”, which is quite surprising, since my Japanese girlfriends really strive to be thin. Sorry if my comment appears boastful. I just want to encourage other western women that there is hope here in Japan. Your social calendar can be completely booked if you are willing to be a little open and have the right attitude. Anyway, I hope I have given you enough hope: perhaps the ones who think we “are fat, evil and smell like yeast” are a minority!! Reply huntin’ for a new city « travallen' November 15, 2010 [...] you’re a woman looking to move to Japan, check this out first. No sex in the city by Reannon Muth of Vagabondish.com tells about her experience as a Western woman trying to get the [...] Reply hasenfuss November 21, 2010 Rea, still here? Thanx for the story. Was there as well. Most important time of my life. But you know what, I love Japan for many reasons. It helped to grow up. Went there at 21. Have never been a date-queen (am shy) and would never go to a club to find love – simply not my world- but one thing I can say is –> if you feel at home in Japan – and that I do- you feel so much better. I had the problem, that people looked at me all the time – and this was totally new for me, a shy and pale blondy from the countryside. This “they really think I am pretty!?” – realization was striking. Never had that back home. (until I went back there, changed) And those people I met realized, that I am a tomodachi-type, not a “Tussie”, not after money at all – not a fan of Vuitton etc. And very honest. Tatemae is not my style and never will be. I cannot recommend anything but “be yourself” and “get your emotions together”. You surely can get very depressed in Japan – but only if you let those bad feelings in. Smile at people, be optimistic and don’t ever feel ugly. Mr. right is just as hard to find there as back “home”. If you love Japan and it’s people, you will be happy. Reply Joy November 23, 2010 Come to Korea. They will hit on you and you would get many dates. The western woman is the shining star here. And Western men get dates too. Korean men aren’t as closed minded but still they have some traditional values in them. However, my Korean boyfriend tells me it is a lot easier to date than a Korean women. Easy in the relationship sense. Reply Pete November 23, 2010 Not true for Western women everywhere. Go to South American and you’ll need a stick to fend off men. :) Reply Reannon November 27, 2010 @ Grover – Aw, what a nice thing to say! Thanks. I’ll write something else again soon. Reply Rhonda November 29, 2010 I can relate to this article. Very interesting. I’m living in Taiwan where it’s pretty much of the same thing. Though in my case, I am happy to not be dating because it’s much less drama in my life. When I’m not being stared at/pointed at as if I’m a ghost (this can get quite uncomfortable), people (women and men) usually giggle and turn away. Still, it is always amazing how easily those expat guys get the girl; it’s somewhat humorous though slightly sad. Reply Brent December 6, 2010 What’s been going on in the economic sector provides an excellent allegory for what’s happening in the dating world right now. Western women have figuratively “priced themselves out of the market” much like what happened with organized labour in the United States and Canada. As the world is becoming more globalized, western women no longer need to fear competition from Susie down the street, but also from some other woman halfway around the world. Oftentimes these women are thinner, better looking and still raised with traditional family values instilled in them. Most women overseas are happy and grateful to receive the affections of a well educated western man from a good family. Contrary to the beliefs of many a scorned western woman, not all men that desire foreign companions are undateable nerds, losers or outcasts. Many successful and attractive men are discovering their mates and life partners overseas. I predict that the demographic changes that will occur in the next 20 years will be astounding. Reply Rea December 10, 2010 Wow, what an extremely bitter author. Have you ever taken into consideration that your problem with dating in Asia may be because you just have a piece of shit personality? Or lack a pretty face? That’s a much more likely cause for your pitiful problems. Reply Eiry December 12, 2010 I’d just plonk in a comment that a Japanese girlfriend of a friend of mine said about the desirability of having a Western boyfriend/husband. She said that all Japanese guy wanted was a girl to look pretty and to open her legs. Nothing else was needed or desired. In the West, a guy wanted a relationship with her: spending time discussing, going out, engaging in each other’s lives, doing things together – her opinion, personality and engagement mattering. This is only one person’s pov of course. I have read that some Japanese women are looking abroad for husband material. They love their own men, but want more balance in their relationships and culture â€“ more time to relate and enjoy each other. Fascinating thread – some good insights and some scary insults. I have to say that Iâ€™m a little shocked at the attitude of â€˜international shoppingâ€™ for a partner, which puts me in mind of a multinational corporation looking for labour advantage in a poor country. Iâ€™m also disturbed by the advertising of women being â€˜soldâ€™ on the internet as ideal housewives, beautiful and highly sexual. Many years ago I knew someone who married a Chinese girl because he assumed she would be submissive â€“ yes she was nice, beautiful and intelligent, but he obviously didnâ€™t know much about Chinese womenâ€¦they can be tough cookies. Sadly, three beautiful children later, they divorced. If you happen to fall in love with someone from another country fine, but this shopping attitude makes me cringe. There are interesting, super people all over the place and often where you donâ€™t expect them â€“ maybe theyâ€™re not the size nor head shape nor height that you expect them to be. Stereotyping can be life-denying: there are Neanderthals and Spoilt Brats in my country (Uk) but I donâ€™t have them as friends or colleagues or even as acquaintances. Reply Kevin December 13, 2010 I’d just like to point out that I don’t own any swords. Reply Slim December 14, 2010 So basically some chick goes a few months without getting laid and has to write a snarky depreciating blog entry attacking white dudes? Huh? If you can’t get laid in Japan that is YOUR problem, not the fault of guys who you deem to be below your standards. Rather than lashing out, your time would be better spent on improving your own negative attitude. Also, if you were really as good looking as you claim you are, I’m sure that the Japanese men wouldn’t be fleeing from you like an ornery white she-godzilla. Reply Japanese National December 18, 2010 As expected, lots of bitter charisma men here :) They get so defensive when people verbalize the truth – that Asia is full of loser foreign men. It’s similar to overweight people crying foul when someone outright calls them “fat”. Everybody knows the truth but it’s a sin to point it out. Just want to mention some facts: 1. Sex is easy to come by for foreign women in Japan. Duh. Sex is easy for women anywhere. But having relationships in Japan is almost impossible because Japanese men are too sexist and the majority of foreign males are weird. 2. Most Japanese girls dating foreign men are average at best. Not many girls here are “prom queen” material. Jagged teeth, unflattering clothes, ignorance, pigeon toes, naive as hell, and minimal social skills are the norm. Perfect for Charisma men :) 3. Many foreign and cultured Japanese women, who have spent time abroad, feel “unfeminine” in Japan because there is a severe lack of attractive men here. It’s a dating toilet bowl. On the rare occasion that you do meet a so so attractive guy, you’ll have to spoon feed him the opportunity to ask you out because Japanese men and foreign men that come to Asia are insecure and have difficulty making cold approaches, especially if the woman is pretty. Ladies, if you are reading this and considering moving to Japan, DON’T!!!! Just make it a short visit or do a homestay. However, if you like Asian guys or you’re a Westerner of Asian background, who wants to get more attention from white boys, and you don’t care about the quality of said white boys, Japan might be the place for you. Reply whatafuss December 19, 2010 Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and not everyone is going to find american women attractive and not every man finds asian women attractive. The insulting comments were so unnecessary. This article was simply a woman sharing her experience. There was no need for everyone to insult and put each other down. Reply James December 26, 2010 Reannon, I don’t know what it’s like in Japan but as an Asian male expat living in Bangkok for a couple of years I can sort of relate to your experiences. While it’s true that most local guys are too shy to approach western women some of the things that I’ve observed indicate foreign women living in Asian countries tend to think they are too good for the local guys. How do I know this? From approaching a lot of these western women. Perhaps driven out of resentment of the attention male expats received a lot of these women weren’t very friendly and definitely not approachable. Most have that ‘I don’t care’ attitude and seem to think they were above the dating scene, which certainly isn’t going to get them anywhere with any guys for that matter. The perception is western women are hard to approach and hard to please so most men tend to steer clear especially when other alternatives are available. The truth is if you’re hot, guys will dig you no matter what race you are or race they are. Reply traveller January 14, 2011 First of all I’m sorry you had to experience this side of Japanese society. Being a foreigner in Japan is definitely not easy, but then again it can be quite interesting. As an average short blonde European girl I wasn’t expecting much attention in Japan, but man was I wrong. I was approached by many guys all the time to the point where it became uncomfortable. I truly believe it all comes down to attitude. And this is solely my experience! I’m not plotting down any facts here, but as I’ve got many Japanese friends of both genders, this is what they have told me. I’m not pointing any fingers here either, just ot make that clear.. Most Japanese guys like “the cute, shy, classy and conservative girl” (and I’m talking about the “good” guys here, not the ones who just want to get laid). I soon realized that the more I dressed and acted like them, the more attention I got. This is a whole different culture, and unless you are willing to change a little to intergrate better, you can’t expect to get a serious relationship with a Japanese guy. Again, this is just my view on it after living there myself. I also only had Japanese friends while I was there, so I guess that also made me less “intimidating”. And striking a conversation with a stranger in Japan… well.. that’s usually never a success. You’ve got to show some interest and respect for their wonderful culture. The keyword is to understand them. It doesn’t come down to wether they like western women or not, it’s all about wether they feel respected by you or not. And I’m not talking about the sexist kind of respect, but the kind of respect that is the core of Japanese society – respecting who they are. Don’t bash out on Japanese guys just because they’re shy. I for one think it’s quite cute and refreshing from the often too pushy European guys. If you can’t handle or even like their culture or their way of being, well, then maybe Japanese guys just aren’t for you. There are more than enough people to choose from in this world. Don’t choose one ethnicity just because it suites you right there and then. Find the right person for you for who he is, not where he comes from (NOT saying that’s what you do!). And don’t look down on people just because they are different, wether it’s the outspoken strong American woman, the nerdy western guy who gets a lot of Asian girlfriends, or the shy Japanese guy who is just too busy thinking about his school/job/career to notice you. It’s GREAT that we have all these different personalities and cultures in this world! Reply Rosie January 23, 2011 A Japanese (male) friend told me that he and his friends didn’t approach Western women because they lacked confidence in speaking English. My own experience was that I got a lot of (unwanted) attention from married older Japanese men in their 40′s who were more “nikushoku danshi” and younger, single Japanese men were interested enough to start conversations, or take my phone or email, but never followed through in asking for a date. So while its possible for a Western woman to have a string of one-night stands, or affairs with married men, getting a real relationship with a Japanese man is more difficult. Reply rumplestiltskin January 28, 2011 I am a male. I am black. I lived in Japan as a student for a year. I lived in Japan as an eNgrish teacher/voice actor/fake preacher/(insert gaijin job) for 4 years. I consider myself otakuish at the time and presently. I am not unattractive. Did I mention that I was black? Though not as easy as my Hitler calendar-boy colleagues (man was he right or was he right?), the girls did come easy. There real relationship unless you are hardcore intent on living and adapting to that culture. I believe this goes for both genders (sorry transexuals) no matter what culture you are trying to flirt with. You are in Rome (eventhough we are calling it Japan this time). I actually found it just as easy with girls (various races for you wanna be eugenicists) after I left Japan. Maybe some spark just needs ignition in all of us? The bitterness from males and females in these comments should give us all insight into eachother’s dispositions instead of incite flame wars (did i use that term correctly?). I think I missed something or got confused from reading all of this. 1. Western= USA White? Oh crap, my pony express riding great grandpa should have known!(bad joke) 2. Nerds/Geeks/Dorks and the like are not entitled to the same entitlements as this author? 3. Western women smell like yeast? I’ll never look at my bread the same way again. Sexy bread! 4. On a global scale, what is the heiarchy of preference of women by stereotypical nationality anyways? How does it go for men? 5. Is the internet really a series of tubes? isn’t much prospect of a Reply Geoff February 2, 2011 Well, I’m not surprised, I’m a white male, and I don’t want a white woman. Any takers from other races? You’re welcome to them. Enjoy the stuck up attitude and entitlement. Give me an Asian or Black woman anytime over a white woman. Reply Slick February 4, 2011 Rumplestiltskin, I’d love to hear more about the experiences of a black dude living in Japan. Unfortunately you won’t be the man I hear those experiences from. English teacher? Damn bro, you can barely put a coherent sentence together as it is. My experience in China was that blacks were fairly openly disliked there. Hearing young chinese women blurt out things that normally wouldn’t leave a white families living room was initially quite shocking. They have no problems dealing with people in massive generalizations, mainly because I think deep down even they like to believe that “all Chinese people are the same” therefore “all black people must be the same” something to do with societal harmony I guess. Even though they seemed so adverse to blacks, it always amazed me seeing the hottest Chinese girl you’ve ever seen with some African bigwig or ambassador’s son in the club. They knew how to pickup chicks! Reply Pat March 5, 2011 Thanks for the thought-provoking article. It seems that the issue does not just involve American women trying to date Japanese (and possibly other Asian) men, American women seem to have a very similar problem with British men. This is borne out by the following BBC news item: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/2194941.stm I really hate to sound harsh, but it makes one wonder whether there may be some sort of growing global boycott against American women………. Reply Kurt March 15, 2011 traveller: “And donâ€™t look down on people just because they are different, wether itâ€™s the outspoken strong American woman, the nerdy western guy who gets a lot of Asian girlfriends, or the shy Japanese guy who is just too busy thinking about his school/job/career to notice you. Itâ€™s GREAT that we have all these different personalities and cultures in this world!” THANK YOU!! I just read every last comment here, and I was beginning to become very saddened by every’s attitudes and behaviors here. I remember when I was a kid, I used to think adults were all mature, reasonable, and respectful. Little did I know that many people don’t mature much. In these comments I see so much arrogance and condescension towards others that I feel like I’m in high school again. I realize I may come off as close to condescending or preachy myself, but I wish we could just step back and look at what we’re doing here. Think about what is actually being said. This was probably the worst: ” I wonder if they know that weâ€™re laughing at them â€¦” Do we need to be enemies? Do we need to be better than other people? Do we need to put people done for the way they are? So what if a guy is born with less natural social skills? So what if a girl of another culture doesn’t fit your own world view? Do we need to put people down? Can’t we be happy for each other and in turn work towards our own happiness without the animosity? What if I told you I was a dorky white guy with a Samurai sword? Do you think you’re better than me now? Or what if I’m a white guy who has scored with countless chicks at home and have no intention of ever going to Japan? What if I’m part Japanese and I’m saddened by the generalizations and simplification of my culture and people? It doesn’t really matter. Stop living a life filled with even a sliver of distaste in your mouth towards others. I’m not saying I’m an angel myself, but I’d like to strive in that direction. Next time you see someone, anyone that you have a stereotype for, try to actual think of that person as more than 1-Dimensional: perhaps as a close friend. Realize that they have their own struggles and dreams, and they are not so maliciously intending or pitiful as you think… we’re all trying to make the best of things and come to terms with reality in our own ways. Again, thank you ‘traveller’ for being the ray of hope in humanity that I needed to remind me that there are people that see good in people instead of differences, flaws, inferiority. I apologize for this comment being overly sappy, but the anger and bitterness in this thread needs are serious counter-weight. Oh, and I’ll end with a question of curiosity: are the white women who come to Japan in no way nerds? This isn’t rhetorical; I actually want to know. Based off the talk here, it seems they must not be dorky (not into anime etc.) at all, or you might think some of them would be acting hypocritical? Reply Eimear March 17, 2011 I just had to say I loved your article and its humour! I see a few comments coming from readers who mentioned the word “bitterâ€, isnâ€™t ironic that those readers are male!! Typical! Ignore them!! Your article was funny in its honesty. I am a female living in Rome, Italy and I completely understand your experience of coming to terms with a cultural difference, though with my experience in Rome itâ€™s on the other end of spectrum to yours in Tokyo. I am Irish and I too am blonde and here in Rome that translates to that you are obviously foreign, so therefore â€œeasyâ€. Before I leave the house, I have to second think what I am wearing incase it sends the wrong message and attracts unwanted attention from creeps and sleezeballs. Iâ€™d often get followed by creeps walking on the street or in cars so I have to be aggressive and shout â€œFxck offâ€ in Italian for them to leave me alone. I reckon that to them itâ€™s a game of trial and error and that out of every 50 girls they follow, maybe one naÃ¯ve foreign girl might engage their attention. When I told this experience to some foreign male friends who had stayed in Rome, they were shockedâ€¦of course they had seen Rome through different eyes because they are male and didnâ€™t get harassed. In regards to your article, men donâ€™t know what it feels like unless they experienced it so of course itâ€™s very easy for those male readers to say the word â€œbitterâ€. Ps: Every culture has its advantages/disadvantages. I love Rome and Italians beautiful culture, but the way they treat women on the street and how women are represented as strippers on their television is their culturesâ€™ downfall Reply k April 29, 2011 That’s an interesting read from a different view point and sometime I have wondered about myself. I’m a white American female moving to Korea in June and wondered what it was like for western women in asia. Although I’m not completely sure I agree with you on the chances of western women getting a date in Japan or in Asia being low. Men are men are men are men anywhere in the world, and you are an ATTRACTIVE, well put together, nice body, big breasted woman from ANY country, getting a date is not hard. I’ve had tons of asian men hit on me, most of them tell me they really fantasize about dating a white girl. However, so many of them are shy and many, unfortunately, think that all white girls think that all asian men have small ***** and don’t find them as attractive in comparison to white men or other races and they also tend to think that because they can’t speak perfect english, we must not be interested in them or they are so embarassed of their abilities. Some are very interested, but are so afraid that’s it’s so “out of norm” that their families will be mad/shocked/unaccepting of what they want. There’s a lot of factors, however I’ve also met my share of asian men who are plenty confident and don’t give a crap about what others think. Different strokes for different folks, but whatever, in the end, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be and if it isn’t, it isn’t, the right person will find you. Reply charobna April 29, 2011 Why don’t you join some Japanese dating sites? I’m not in Japan at the moment, still learning the language, but dozens of men contacted me via two sites I was a member. I had to close the accounts since I couldn’t talk and write to them all. All men were quite nice, not very shy, friendly, they liked me a lot… I met one very nice man from Tokyo and we talk via skype regularly. He’s been asking me all the time when I’ll come to Japan so that we can finally meet and spend some time together… This ‘virtual’ Japanese men were quite the same as other men, just needed some time to relax. First they were nervous and talked about weather and food and similar things, but later they opened and seemed to me very funny and enjoyable. Japanese dating sites! :) Put some nice feminine photos. :) Say that you speak Japanese (this is VERY important!) and good luck! :))) Reply Reapwhatyousew May 28, 2011 Perhaps since Asian culture is much older than western, theyve figured out the benefits of the so called “nerd” as opposed to the “Me lay bricks. Me bring home just bit more than minimum wage. Me then take pretty girl to move. Then we go to bedroom. okay” neanderthal that so many women in Western culture like. “Western woman” brought this kind of stuff on themselves, what with their sense of entitlement and equally large egos. (And usually equally large asses) Reply Eiry May 29, 2011 I understand your annoyance Reapwhatyousew (is your name deliberately misphrased?) because of what some people have said, but stereotyping another race or country isn’t helping you or anyone else. Do you mean all men here are ill-educated? Or do less educated, skilled men get laid more often? Or that to have a low wage is somehow the fault of the man and not the society that doesnâ€™t respect manual labour? Or that western women will sleep with anyone? I’m afraid you are sadly misinformed. There are male Neanderthals of course in Uk as well as in the US but it takes a female Neanderthal to go out with them. He might be ill-educated, and poor too, but he might be kind and a good mate for someone, a good father for his children. Speaking as an individual western woman and for many of my friends, colleagues, acquaintances, I like intelligent, interesting, honest, kind, authentic caring, sexy, respectful, knowledgeable, preferably educated confident men. I know of no other woman who has or wants any other kind. Confidence and intelligence is sexy to me. Prejudice or the despising of others is not. If your objection is thoughtless and random sex, then maybe Iâ€™m on your side. Reply Jas June 9, 2011 I lived in the Philippines for 20 plus years. In fact I grew up there. Before I came to Canada, I was enamored with White girls. Now, I do not have much interest at them because they feel so entitled, are uppity, loud, arrogant, and act like men. I am talking about most White girls I have met, not all. The author of this post is a good example of a bitter, man-hating White woman. Maybe if you relax a bit and have some humility, you will have Asian men come to you. Men in Asia do not like uptight women. Also, men in asia are used to women being women, not robots or he-women. Lol. Get real. And sorry, we Asian men do not think that every expat that comes to Asia is akin to Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston is not even that pretty. The author has traveled the world, but is yet still ignorant to the amount of foreign beauties. You are not any better lady. Get a grip on reality. South American women are the hottest and most beautiful in my eyes btw. Reply Jessica June 23, 2011 I think its hard if you’re a really shy person because most japanese men are very shy, espacilly towards westeren women. I have a friend that has a very posetive and outgoing personality. She is very strong minded, smart and pretty. She had no problems with Japanese men. Some was probably afraid of her because she was really outspoken and not shy, which was different from how the japanese girls act but she still didn’t let the negative thing win over the posetive. Now she is married to a japanese guy :) Reply Me July 23, 2011 I hear this all the time from the expat women in Asia. But I have never had a problem with japanese men wanting to be with me in Japan. Maybe its because I’m European? Or maybe its because I’m seen as exotic looking even back in Canada? Its something I don’t even notice(happily married to my handsome European man so not looking ;P) , unless I’m with a friend (Japanese or foreign) who points out the fact that I am being ‘checked out’ or flirted with. Also, as a side note, most Japanese men don’t seem to understand that my wedding ring is not an accessory but means that I am TAKEN, lol (cultural differences I guess) This first part is all based on looks. Secondly, I have a very open personality. People like to be around me cause I make them laugh and happy, but they know I’m serious and would not let them down. I also love cooking and working on my indoor garden……So I’m not sure really. But I do find that what alot of expat women consider taking care of their bodies, and looking good….would honestly be considered sub-par at best in most European countries. Its not wearing 10pounds of makeup and fake eyelashes that make u look good, its taking care of yourself and ur body….unless of course ur dating a guy who could only get 200+ pound women back home. then ur a NATURAL princess, lol…guys r so dumb XD Reply Reapwhatyousew July 23, 2011 @Eiry: To clarify, my name was misphrased because I was about 11 hours into a grave shift when I wrote it. (Im an IT engineer, Computers dont sleep so we cant either) The point of my post was simply that from the start of my sex life at the ripe age of 14, until I left the country permanently at 28, Ive observed that western women will choose the “High school jock” type before they would choose anyone with depth. Guys like myself (I admit) who are not sports builds or models, but who have college degrees, a good paycheck, and a personality that is deeper than a childrens pool have to work much harder at getting either meaningless sex OR a relationship due to first impressions. In addition to this, Ive had CLOSE (as in may as well be my sister) female friends who claim the same shit you do. They want a nice guy who is smart, blah blah blah, and they end up with someone who is emotionally abusive, cheats, or is exactly the barbarian dipshit that I described. It is funny though, because even after a difficult ice breaking encounter, their attitude changes a bit after they find out about my paycheck… but thats for another board discussing another issue. Reply Eiry July 24, 2011 @Reapwhatyousew :D: I think our western culture emphasizes the high of chemical excitement of immediately obliterating romantic sex (or just sex) so much that both genders fall to the ones that obviously ooze that charisma, no matter what their personality or values. It seems to be easier, no matter what their gender, to express sexuality more openly if they are less â€˜goodâ€™ in the same way itâ€™s easier to express â€˜badnessâ€™ in creative artwork. The baddies in films are more than not, drooled over by women all over the planet. Good for fantasy, bad for real life. Itâ€™s trendy, seductive, rebellious against â€˜the goodâ€™ and the â€˜boringâ€™. Itâ€™s also laziness â€“ at root, itâ€™s the desire for immediate and easy gratification of the consumer society. It offers the belief that the promise of â€˜unmanageableâ€™ sexual gratification and its overwhelming acquiescence will take them out of â€˜real lifeâ€™. Women are particularly susceptible though the guys get hooked as well. Despite our contemporary view of sex and relationships both biologically and socially, I think that the force of sexual allurement is still underestimated, still wildly primitive and likely to remain so for both genders. Attraction for the assertively displaying mate which might also include financial security will always be the bright feathers that attract many, partly because they think that is where value lies â€“ what they should be aiming for, either for status or for subconscious nesting. Not all will be blinded by this, and not just the unattractive and these are likely to be the golden ones. The women that I mentioned have not partnered barbarians in their life (though certainly found a few on the way). It may be that it would be easier to find a sexual partner if one’s social group is widened – I notice that male dipshits and female idiots, though they can cross through many layers of social groupings high or low and in between, gather more extensively in certain groupings â€“ their particular society has values and beliefs about life and relationships that I wouldnâ€™t share â€“ a certain cynicism perhaps, conformity to the norm and expectations of their society, easy values in exploitation of others â€“ in short – shallow. The ones more successful in their sexual and partnering hunt find a need to share values, to take some time, for respect. (very old fashioned ;) My own belief is that if you have an interesting, fulfilled lifestyle, then you are more likely to attract and keep an equally matched mate, whether briefly or for long term. I do think you (and I) have to work much harder to obtain the relationships we desire. But â€“ when you see the mess many people are in, in theirs â€“ maybe itâ€™s worth it. Iâ€™m sure youâ€™re worth it. :D Reply MC August 8, 2011 Googling around the web and found this intriguing post! I find it hard to believe that a blonde-haired woman such as yourself (and from your photo quite attractive) spends her nights alone! I have many western foreign female friends in Japan and I’m often envious that everyone finds them fascinating especially the men. It’s so easy for them to meet and talk with locals because there is so much fascination with them. Perhaps times have changed since this article was written! I too am foreign, female and reside in Japan though not in Tokyo. I do visit Tokyo often and find that I am simply not able to converse with any local guys. I go to parties and try to talk to them to improve my Japa nese but the men simply walk away from me when they realise that I’m not Japanese! I’m Asian and a foreigner; sometimes I think it’s the worse type of foreigner to be in Japan and other times, it’s lovely because I blend in. I’m not here to meet a boyfriend but I do like making friends. It’s just easier making friends with a local girl than a local guy. I was told that Japanese guys don’t have female frinds ; they only have girlfriends or friends of their girlfriends. It is indeed a tough light for singles in Tokyo and more so if you’re female and foreign. Everyone tells me I look Japanese but believe me, I have never had anyone try to pick me up in Tokyo! I do try to talk to various people as I am inherently fascinated by many things here. But again, there are advantages to looking local at times. I tend to go around being ignored and I do admit that at times, I probably face less prejudice compared with some of my friends. Reply Joiw August 10, 2011 You deserved to be alone. I noticed how you just stopped responding to the male posts here against your article. Perhaps they are the ones who struck a nerve. (or two) The entire article was just amazing. You were laughing at another person’s happiness. All the time while you were spending those long lonesome nights with your vibrator…? I sincerely hope that you and all other white (or any color) women stay far far away from Japan. I am not against American women at all. Yeah, some of them are stuck up bitches. But a lot of them are freaking awesome! It’s always a bad idea to generalize an entire group of people. The bottom line is that the author is stuck up and probably glorified at home here in Hawai’i. Although I doubt this because here on O’ahu, we call white people “haole”. She thought she was entitled to whatever naturally without acting like the locals and blending in. Then she writes this ridiculous article to take out her anger/express her stuck-up attitude towards individuals living it up in Japan. Sad part is, though, that you just don’t get it and you surely never will. Your stuck-up attitude is very clearly deeply ingrained and will forever avert you from achieving your true potential. I pity you. Reply Clo. August 12, 2011 Wow, for some reason your story really touched me. I’m only 13 but I’ve always dreamed of living in Japan; but from all I’ve read it’s not exactly the dreamy land I thought it was. I’m really sorry you felt so alone but I still think your very brave for moving alone to a place with such different culture. I’m still pondering over why I thought that at the end of this post you’d write something like “… But i finally found the partner for me…” or some kind of happy conclution. You do have the right to state your opinion and i don’t think it’s bitter, your just telling through your eyes. I hope that one day you will be able to find a partner you can be happy with and thankyou for sharing your story and feeling with us! Reply T August 19, 2011 Hey, Reannon, This might be the first feed back from a Japanese male. I am a Japan-born Japanese male, a descendant of Samurai family, 100 per cents of Japanese. But it was until just 7 years ago I came to the UK. I have been working here in London since then and have found myself became more westernised. Now I have got objective eyes to compare myself in UK context with myself in the past within the Japanese local environment…In fact, before I left from Japan, I was literally desperate for a foreign girl friend just like you! (actually your thumbnail so cute, fascinating me!) After some failure to approach Japanese girls I started believing Japanese girls are too difficult for me to deal with due to their manner of unclear expression. At some point I started convincing myself that open-mind Western girls are more suitable for me. I also believed I am a person who should look for a gender equal partnership rather than traditional Japanese way (Later on I realised my behaviour is highly influenced by Japanese mind set through some experience with European girl friends though…). In addition to those points I have a little bit advantages. I am quite taller than average Japanese boys with long legs and not-thin eyes. I thought OK, this is my destiny to find a Western girl. It is time to carry on my plan! I decided to try any possible ways to get a Western girl friend in Tokyo. I went to a popular club among foreigners, put my advertisements in free English magazines and took a place in language exchange parties. etc. etc. Soon I got a chance to date with a very attractive girl from US, but at that time my English is totally useless to last a conversation more than 5 minutes… Therefore, language! This is one of very crucial issues obstructing us to develop sweet relation with foreigners. Many of Japanese guys who want to seek for romance with foreign ladies are usually not brave enough to confront this problem. There is another issue coming from nature of our society. We hardly have a frank communication with others on the street. Even though you are a Japanese looking for a Japanese – Japanese combination of partnership, you barely pick somebody up from outside of your own community. On top of these issues as you may know we are too shy…The combination of those makes the worst result…But please do not forget there are many motivated Japanese guys like me. After while living abroad I feel much more confident of English conversation. You just need to know where to find somebody like me. Not everywhere so you need to know some clue. Reply Mark August 21, 2011 I don’t think dating “leagues” have any merit in Asia, where male/female physical attractiveness ratios are skewed by Western standards. I think it boiled down to what I call “default hotness”- that by default, Asian women are generally more attractive in terms of figure, demure attitudes, and clothes style than Western women (meaning Canada, USA, and England… Asian women fall short compared to European women IMO). Take ten random young Japanese women off the street and they will most likely be more attractive to men than ten random young Western women. I’m not trying to be offensive, I’m just calling it like I see it, and others may disagree, and that’s fine. Therefore, if someone comes to an Asian country, and finds a girlfriend (which is pretty likely, given the number of women in Asian countries), then that girl will most likely be hotter than the girls the guy could have chosen back in his home country. But that’s not because he got the cream of the crop when it comes to Asian girls- that cute, made-up, mini-skirt-wearing pixie is NORMAL. Nearly all guys, Western and local, will find one, but that doesn’t mean the guy is special or has extra charisma. It’s like this: you don’t see people in Germany driving around in their Benzes or BMWs going “Yeah man, check out my sweet ride.” Why? Because it’s Germany, and Benzes and BMWs are everywhere. Likewise, a guy comes to Asia and finds a super hot girlfriend because that’s what’s available. And you can’t blame a guy for going for the “gourmet truffles” when they’re easily within his reach. What is lame, though, is when the guys get a big head about it, like “Yeah man, check out my sweet little cupcake. I’m the man!” No, you’re just an average dude who happens to have the good fortune to be in a country with lots of beautiful, available women. And in the end, and this is going to sound “fetish-y” but oh well, the exotic allure of Asian women for Western guys is hard to deny. I live in China, and I know plenty of cool, jock dudes from the West who had no problems getting chicks back home, but they still go for the local girls and largely ignore the white girls. It’s just how it goes. This whole “hot/not hot” fixation we Westerners have is a tired game, and it needs to stop. Reply John August 24, 2011 It’s fifty million times worse for men in America. Why do you think we go abroad? Because we get treated like shit in our own countries unless we’re mega rich or male models. Reply Senor Tapatio August 27, 2011 As someone who is half Latino and half Caucasian, I think I can throw down my race card (It’s like Magic The Gathering – except not awful) and say these three simple words about most white women in Japan: “BITCHEZ BE CRAZY” In the 3 years I lived in Japan I met many women like the author – In Japan they’re as much as a dime of a dozen as the charisma men are. Laughably high self-expectations (Jennifer Anniston? Give me a break. She isn’t even attractive in the first place!), undersexed, condescending to their Japanese rivals (Yet they can’t even compare), and possibly mad. Also, why date a self centered, self-absorbed American women when you could have a sweet and caring Japanese girl? I’ll leave this comment with some wise words from my Abuelo, who grew up as an orphan with a 3rd grade education on the mean streets of San Salvador (Now there was a man with some real street cred): “Gringas is no good. Es muy loco.” I think I’ll stick with my J-girls, Grandpa had some great advice! Reply Leah D August 28, 2011 Wow, I’m truly saddened by all the hate that’s thrown at North American women here. Please stop generalizing Japanese women and NA women. The author is talking about her experiences in Japan from her point of view. That doesn’t mean she has laughably high expectations or is condescending. I have lived in Japan for 5 years and I can tell you that it IS in fact, easier for a white male to get a date then a white female. The probable reason for this is that women in NA tend to expect to be approached. Whereas, in Japan the current trend is for the women (including Japanese women) to do the confessing. Also, I find that culturally speaking, the dating process can be a lot more old-fashined and slow. Women are protrayed in the media often as delicate and sensitive, even “scared” of men and many men hesitate to seem too aggressive. For example, one time I was in the classroom grading some papers at my desk and I happen to be surrounded by 6 or 7 high school males looking in on what I was doing. I jokingly said in Japanese “Why are you all around me? Scary.” You would not believe how fast they apologized and backed off. I didn’t understand why at the time, but now I am more culturally aware. There’s just a hugely different cultural process to dating. It is expected that serious dating will take longer and be more how shall I say “innocent” in its expression than the NA cultural counterpart. In my opinion, if you want to date someone you should join clubs or go to your work parties “enkai”. Your co-workers, fellow club members will often try to hook you up with someone else who is single. In fact, it is very common to introduce yourself at these parties to new co-workers or whatnot by saying “Hi, my name is Leah. I’m single. Nice to meet you.” My co-workers were always trying to set me up with the single members despite the fact that I already had a boyfriend. lol Also, this is going to sound crude, but it really helps if you have big brests and are a teensy bit curvy. If you ever watch Japanese porn or glance at porn mags in the convenience store, the girls tend to be a bit curvy (not fat, but soft looking) and have big boobs. lol Reply Valerie Hamer September 6, 2011 I loved the blog post and have read most of the comments. Having lived in Tokyo for 7 years most of the dialogue here is all too familiar! Rather than add anything to the age old debate on charisma man vs gaijin woman all I can do is tell it how it was for me. I arrived in Japan in my 30s, and dated (mostly) Japanese men for the entire time I lived there. The two longer term relationships I had were with a European and J-guy. Reply Valerie Hamer September 6, 2011 Great article, and the comments reflect the ongoing debate I got used to during my seven years in Tokyo. I love Japanese men, it took about three months to feel that way, just as soon as good old Mother Nature got to work! It’s inevitable that most people will develop a preference for the people they see around them all the time. Being in my 30s and divorced when I arrived may have made a difference to my experiences. I wasn’t looking for a life partner, but I did date three guys long term. (Two Japanese and one European. ) I’d say I felt everything from invisible to fetishised over the years, but it was all good. Some people are way too shy to speak, and that language barrier is a major factor as others have said. Some guys want to tick something off their sexual bucket list, as do many foreign women too of course. I met several Japanese men looking for a serious relationship, others who were confirmed singletons. I also dated mostly younger guys, which was an interesting turn about for me! Most of my female foreign friends from that time are now married to J men, so that kind of cmmitment isn’t something I find unusual. I could ramble on about this topic forever but now is not the time. Thanks again for posting your experiences. Reply D September 11, 2011 This is an awesome read which mirrors every day of my invisibility from the age of 16 until now as a man in my home country, the US. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that what you’ve written feels excrutiatingly familiar. Reply Paeden September 12, 2011 Well, I’d say this is surely an interesting topic! Like some others, I read the article plus all of the comments and I’ve come to the following conclusion: I believe anyone intending to live in a foreign country long-term (and also some shorter-terms) should expect to truely learn about a different culture and respect them. Learn their language, do what they do, and everyone will be better for it. Then I think the lovin’ will come naturally. XD Reply cimerra September 19, 2011 I notice a lot of people on the net advise western women to dress and act more ‘attractively’ to Japanese men in order to get a date. By that they mean looking and acting more like Japanese women. Reasons I think that’s a bad idea, at least for people looking for a serious relationship – if it’s not what you do normally, you’re going to: 1) Tire yourself out – You might get the date, but you’re going to have to put on the fake cutesy personality and the hours of make up products you’re not used to every time you see him for the rest of the relationship, and you probably can’t keep it up without going mad (unless you’re particularly flexible) 2) Attract the wrong men – Be yourself, and you’ll attract the kind of man that’s right for you. By my experience, changing to accomodate the local taste wastes your time in fake relationships with no spark, and being used / taken for granted. There ‘s someone out there who’ll love you for who you are, may be cheesy but it’s true. There just aren’t many of them, but it’s worth seeking out the rare right relationship rather than putting up with a slew of the wrong ones. The best relationship I had happened because we were already a great match, there was no need to force it. Reply Anna September 19, 2011 I must say that I’ve never encountered such loneliness here, neither have I felt that kind of feelings while here in Japan. But again, despite my very Western (‘white’) looks, I’m half Japanese, and I’ve spent most of my life here. Yes I look foreign, and I’m bilingual, but I also speak fluent Japanese, I’m shorter and thinner than many Japanese women, and people say culturally I’m more closer to a Japanese person than a Western person (despite looking like a white woman, being bilingual, and having spent some time in the US), so maybe that’s why I don’t have much relationship problems, whether at work, among friends, and among men. I suppose I’m sort of exotic enough to be interesting, but not too ‘foreign’ to turn off Japanese men. Reply Erik September 22, 2011 Have you single ladies ever asked yourself why Japanese women have different standards than American or Western women? Hint.. it’s western women who are the anomaly in the world. Reply Alyx September 24, 2011 I lived in China and Korea and can’t say that the dating scene was much better, although in Korea the men were definitely more persistent, sometimes too persistent. The biggest problem is the social structure and the inherent chauvinism. Most Western women I know aren’t down with being talked down to or expected to bend to their partner’s will on every subject just because they are female. That doesn’t apply to all of the men in these countries, but the overall atmosphere is one of extreme chauvinism. Most of the foreign women I knew ended up dating other expats, from anywhere from Europe to Africa. A few dated the men in Korea and China, but mostly that didnâ€™t happen, not for being invisible, but for not being able to overcome that patriarchal cultural barrier. Reply Alyx September 24, 2011 @ Jorge Good point. In my travels through Latin America, I have had to work hard to not be in the center of male attention wherever I go … not successfully, mind you, because foreign women stick out. And it doesn’t seem to matter if you’re blonde or not. It’s how pale you are. Reply rosewater September 26, 2011 wow at people automatically feeling she deserves attention because she’s’ blonde…unplug yourself from what the media is stuffing down your throat about beauty for a bit… Reply Dave September 29, 2011 Reannon – I read your interesting article. I am Asian-American, living in Michigan, married to a White-American, with 3 kids. Our family friend is an expat single white female in China. It is almost impossible for her to get a date. Note this: your experience exactly matches those of Asian men in your situation…when they visit America that is. Coming to a foreign country (from their perspective) they find it almost impossible to fit into your western culture, and quite frankly, no American white girl wants to date them, no matter how persistently they approach them. They’re too short, too small, too shy, not muscular enough…everything that American culture (or perhaps Western culture generally) is programmed to devalue. I surmise your experience is simply a reflection of the same thing in the opposite direction…you are a foreign white woman in Asia, and there’s a stark incompatibility with the Asian men in that country. Unfortunately, this kind of stuff just proves to me that love between an Asian man and a White female, whether in Japan, America, or any other place, is so rare that you might as well not even bother. By the way, Asian men absolutely adore White women. But they know better because they’re keenly aware of how white women, generally speaking, reject the advances of Asian men, in real life and in the social media. Given those circumstances, can you really be surprised that Asian men didn’t notice you? My other Asian friends gave up the interracial dating scene a very long time ago, when the 30-50th rejection got to be just too much to bear. Reply jr October 4, 2011 wow, your article is very well written and it really made me laugh a bit. for me, a gay man living in toronto, not my home country, I find it very hard to meet people in this anti social and unfriendly city. hard not just for having sex, but even being friends with. cultural barriers and many others, not the language though, which is no longer an impenetrable mystery. i had read from a brazilian model once that japanese men don’t find western women attractive, and i was taken aback. being a gay man who’s not attracted to asian males at all i used to think all sexes western were sexier, even according to asians. Reply nadia October 4, 2011 these silly japanese women are dating people that are not good enough for them and it is ridiculous Reply jr October 4, 2011 the comments of some white women on this board are so pathetic. i think they’re actually at disadvantage, they are only picked by western men or eastern men when these are abroad. whereas western men are picked by eastern women abroad and non abroad and by western women non abroad. they wouldn’t pick white women abroad though. so, clearly their making fun of whites luck abroad is pure jealousy. i’m a bit biased though since i’m a gay male. besides, to the idiot that said south american men fall for white women, well, smarty, i’m from south america and i’m white. you should have said, north american or european women. south american is not a race, is just an ethnicity, in the sense that you can be white in race and ethnically latino. Reply jr October 6, 2011 forget my last post, ethnicity and race are synonymous. latinos can be white, but not all whites are latinos. not all latinos are white. americans can be white too, and are not latino. some blacks and browns are also american. in other words, you can find white people in both north and latin america, so referring to north america as white and south american as latino is not a perfect division or definition of races. Reply Zhang October 7, 2011 I completely agree with the author’s points. I have lived in Japan for two years and it IS easier for Caucasian men to get dates than for Caucasian women. Now, how about when you’re of Asian descent? You get no attention at all! You also look very unpolished compared to the dolled-up Japanese girls… yikes! Reply Kevin October 13, 2011 you said “These (White) men wouldnâ€™t have been able to score a date at home if theyâ€™d been a calender but in Asia theyâ€™d nabbed the prom queen. So I guess you would be the White women that cant score a date at home if you had been a calendar, but for you can’t even nab a man in Asia. I think its just you sweetheart you cant get a man back home and in Asia. Reply dave October 16, 2011 Wow! Look at these responses! Ms. Roth, welcome to the feeling of being unwanted and unattractive. Many guys in the U.S. get to feel like that, and we are expected to make the approaches to women who see us as nerds ( with no Japanese girlfriends, at least not yet). Welcome to the club! Reply Minksy October 18, 2011 This is my third stint in Japan and I’m considering a fourth. The dating rules and culture are very different here. Plus the prize of Japanese boyfriend may not be what you were expecting. Honestly, I’ve given up on the idea of falling in love with a Japanese man (and being fallen in love with at the same time by the same man). There are masses of hot young Western men in Tokyo for me to choose from. If you use the internet. I may still be surprised one day by developing romantic feelings for a nihonjin but i the meantime they’ll probably be another five gaijin guys. Kevin, you’ve said something nasty and unneccessary. Are you a Charisma Man perhaps? Reply Andys October 18, 2011 I’m American white man, I’m good looking and did well dating woman in US. I came to Japan for business I meet a beautiful Japanese lady the first day in Japan we fell in love and got married and now I live in Tokyo. You say you are average or a cute lady for US. Well then forget it in Japan you have no chance in case you haven’t noticed the Japanese woman are very beautiful, lady like, well dressed and well mannered, an average looking woman in US would not even be noticed here in Japan except for how fat she is and how she dresses like a peasant from a third world country. Your chances of getting a date are nearly zero among so many beautiful desirable Japanese ladies. Its true I got a more beautiful wife here than I had in US, you call it a dating loop hole, reality is US is a dating cesspool, I always thought I was way to good for most American woman, I dress well, work out a lot have a great education and good job, most US woman dress like slobs or sluts are fat and lazy, if they have a college education its useless like french or something. Woman around the world are much more desirable thinner and lady like than woman in the US. Trust me your large and in charge attitude and your belief that your better than everyone else just wont take American woman very far in Japan. Take it from a man that’s been around the world and been with many woman in different countries its not a dating loop hole in Japan, American woman have just been to spoiled and they couldn’t compete as a lady in most countries especially Japan where there is an abundance of thin, beautiful, lady like single woman all looking for a white man that will love them spoil them and treat them great take it from my wife and I we really don’t care what some fat avarage loud mouth American chick thinks. Reply Ren October 19, 2011 It didn’t work out because you went out, felt disheartened, then gave up and wrote an article complaining about it instead up trying again. I am a western woman in Tokyo, been living here for years, and I have never really had trouble finding dates. Western women here just need to be willing to go out and be daring and not get discouraged if you come up nill after only a few tries. Reply mcc October 22, 2011 You wrote this with insulting comments towards American men, sprinkled with conceited comments towards Japanese men and women. It’s very disparaging. And now you wonder why people respond in kind? You set the tone with your own judgmental attitude. You can try to take the words back or claim you’re just misunderstood, but it’s not a very convincing act. Allow me to underscore some of the issues here. 1. You thought 9 months was a long time. You never even got past the first stage of living abroad before you gave up. 2. Women in Japan make the first move. It’s not America, you have to play by their rules. That means you have to swap roles with the American guy and take the initiative. Giving “come hither” looks don’t count. In fact, it’s a laughable attempt. That’s what you do to encourage an American guy to take the initiative. You have to do what you’d expect American men to do. Start with buying a gift, it need not be expensive. Valentines is to your favor in Japan. 3. All Japanese know foreigners, especially the women, are only there for a short time. As a result, it’s very rare the other party will seek a long-term relationship unless you go the extra mile. Your method of approaching men somewhat randomly with “come hither” looks only encourages the view that you’re looking for a fling. If a fling was acceptable and you failed, well… you’re doing it wrong. Try again. Choose a target, and keep trying. You’ll succeed eventually. Undoubtedly much faster than an American man trying to pick up girls… we have to try to many more times. Get used to it if flings are your thing in Japan. In fact, I’d say get used to putting yourself on the line and learn to deal with rejection if you’re a woman in Japan. 4. Does hitting on random guys work for long-term relationships in America? I know when girls randomly hit on me in America, I’m not thinking long-term… just the possibilities of the next 12 hours. Long-term relationships the world over are began through connections. Be it a common social group, work, or mutual friends. The latter is the rule in Japan. So much in Japan is done by word of mouth and mutual trust. The worst thing that can happen to anyone in Japan is to be ostracized. Generally speaking, you need to meet people in serious settings to find people interested in serious relationships. This goes for any country. 5. For the previous to work, you need to make friends with local females. They will be your best resource to local males. You have to leave the comfort zone of the gaijin bubble. Your coworkers should be your first target for friend-making. Give them presents and show them respect, chances are you will be accepted. The key to making friends with Japanese is showing honest consideration — not in words, in fact almost never in words. It must be done in small acts of kindness, with a smile. This is actually much easier for women in general. For a guy to gain acceptance is a little harder. We can’t just show up and be cute and hand out presents. It’s not appropriate behavior for a male (in any culture.) So use this liberally, make local friends. Leave the bubble. If you can’t leave the bubble, you’re not interested in a serious relationship to begin with. 6. Your condescension towards Japanese men and women is very obvious. Japanese are very sensitive to condescension as it’s their primary means of insulting eachother (Americans tend towards sarcasm and facetiousness.) Even if you say you’re not condescending, a lot of people here have picked up on it. Other people clearly think you’re condescending… and if we think that due to a short blog you wrote on the internet, I guarantee you people will get that perception in real life. It doesn’t matter if you’re not condescending — if they get that perception, you’re done. Work on it. 7. Carrying on with the perception issues, another is that Western Women are high maintenance. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, that is the world-wide perception going in. You need to beat that perception. Ultimately my theory on why JPN female – Ame male works and is so prevalent is very simple: - American men are expected to spoil women. To take all the responsibility and hand over all the spoils. - Japanese women are expected to indulge men. It works because *generally speaking* each party goes in expecting to give more than they get, and are thus pleased when they both receive more than they could otherwise expect. On the flipside, the 2 cultures teach that Japanese men expect to be indulged and American women expect to be spoiled. American women may not realize this, but Japanese men are aware of it. This goes back to #7. One of you has to give. In Japan, you have to play by their rules. So if you’re trying to figure it out — ask yourself “What would I expect a guy back home to do for me if I was in the local guy’s shoes?” If you want some perspective on how you appear… imagine you’re in America, and a Japanese guy with broken English and a weird accent hits on you in the same manner. Can you see why asking random guys for recommendations and giving come hither looks didn’t get you anywhere? That would get you ignored in America too, maybe even perceived as creepy or inappropriately forward and unwanted attention. Our culture teaches us American guys that we’re expected to hold the door for you, treat you like daddy’s little princess, treat you like “equals” when decisions are made, listen to you for as long as you like, and take all the responsibility when it’s time to pay the bills or go the extra yard. I don’t say this to be demeaning or rude, just so you can maybe get some perspective of what’s expected of you in Japan. You’re expected to go the extra yard in Japan. You can call the situation in Japan sexist, but then you would be admitting the situation in America is reverse sexism by extension. I suggest you don’t dwell on the politics and do whatever is necessary. If you find a guy worth going the extra mile for, it’s not a problem right? For a guy to seriously date Japanese women, we have to also get accustomed to different expectations. The difference is that, the expectations in our home country largely exceed those in Japan. Secondly, we don’t deal with all of the perspective issues that American women have. Again, it doesn’t matter in either case if the perspective is true — what matters is that you understand the perspective exists and can cope with it in one form or another. That might mean you prove the perception wrong. That might mean you win your partner over so they don’t mind if it’s true. You will want to take steps to mitigate those perceptions in the early stages, however. You may also express to your local friends your concerns. If they are considerate, you won’t need to ask them to put in a good word for you on those accounts. Japanese, regardless of sex, are likely to treat Americans, regardless of sex, as play toys. Many of the American women seem to be very upset about this fact, as a lot of the expat guys don’t have a problem with such an arrangement. Thus you guys appear to get very jealous. But I believe it’s fairly difficult for there to be a meaningful relationship across cultures. American men also have a lot of negative perceptions to work through and a longer and more difficult road in establishing local friends. The reality is that not a whole lot of Japanese want to move abroad permanently. Finally, I’ll leave all the women with 1 thought here. This thread has a lot of complaints from women abroad that they either get no attention in country X or too much attention in country Y. You bounce between stereotyping men as “shy”, “intimidated” and then if they do pay attention you paint them as sex maniac perverts. It seems like no matter what, you take issue with how men treat you outside of America. With this kind of attitude and stereotyping, how do you expect anyone from the opposite sex to take you seriously? To make a cross-cultural relationship work, it takes a lot of work and flexibility by both parties. The rewards are high, but it requires commitment and trust. So long as these kinds of stereotypes are your perceptions of men abroad, you will never be able to establish the trust for such a relationship. The women who didn’t harbor these stereotypes are probably finding men in these countries and happy. Reply mafiaking1936 October 29, 2014 “It seems like no matter what, you take issue with how men treat you outside of America.” Oh it’s not just outside… Reply Eiry October 24, 2011 Great post mcc. Informative and useful. It’s been getting a bit depressing reading so much hatred and lack of respect here. I am a little aware of the cultural differences in Japan (to the west), but I suppose I have a bit of a hard time understanding that women in the west are spoilt, indulged and patronising because I don’t recognise that in the women that I know, either English or American or any nationality. I do see a change in culture amongst the younger women in the Uk, some of which I find distasteful, but any young women that I know seem not to behave that way at all. They are not overbearing, are feminine, intelligent, are fit (sometimes not so fit!) and dress beautifully though I would admit they would not be quite as accommodating as I believe women in a Japan would be. I can understand that there is a perception though which clearly needs to be taken into account and that is really helpful. I do wonder, because of the social changes over the last 50 years, that many young women in the west find it hard to imagine how Japanese men might possibly view things because of the changes that many western men have had to make since the 50â€™s. I am almost old enough to remember that culture. I used to think it was bad, and Iâ€™m not saying itâ€™s healthy exactly, but I think there is great misunderstanding in western women (and men maybe?) about that kind of culture. Reading only what is on the surface is a terrible mistake. Reading any culture, any race, any person on the surface is a terrible mistake. Weâ€™re too easily led by the media which wants us to envy, berate and damn others – reading only what is on the surface. The blanket ideas on any side about others â€“ male, female, Japanese, American, Western, I find rather upsetting and a bit frightening. This is the reality of many peopleâ€™s thoughts and feelings and Iâ€™m sure theyâ€™re made from being stereotyped themselves, but it would be nice, if weâ€™re talking about relating so closely to another culture and our own, to another gender as well as our own, that we had a little more compassion and a little more subtle understanding of each other. Perhaps I should change my name to â€˜The Old Batâ€™ or something. :D Reply Shane October 28, 2011 Eiry… shutup please. The comments here are largely criticizing the author of this ridiculous article. The fact is that women in North America need an attitude adjustment BADLY and the arrogance and conceit shown by “Rheannon” are exhibit A in the case of common sense vs the irrational and demanding white woman. She spent 2 blog entries and a total of 6-8 pages whining about how nobody wanted to put up with her nonsense overseas. SURPRISE! In a dating environment where men aren’t forced to put up with rich little white girl nonsense, they typically don’t choose to put up with rich little white girl nonsense. Mind blowing stuff, I know. Reply Eiry October 28, 2011 Shane – I don’t really see why I should shut up – even with a please. Do I not have a right to have an opinion or speak? And why should I not read or respond to other people’s comments? Is there a rule here that forbids this? What you say may be rich about ‘rich girl nonsense’, I don’t know, Iâ€™m sure there are many â€“ I didnâ€™t say there werenâ€™t – but there have been intelligent posts that recognise that there is a great deal going on culturally and socially that explains some of what is going on and (although maybe the minority) in support. Those like mcc have given good advice about how she could improve her attitude which was useful and informative and said with calm logic without branding every western woman as sluts/fat/ugly/greedy/arrogant/demanding/irrational. Criticising one person seems fair to me since she has posted publicly, but the hatred of one race/gender and lauding another race/gender as if they were perfect, I assume must come from someone with a blinding sense of personal vengeance. Someone I wouldnâ€™t want to associate with. Yeah. I know, I know itâ€™s the internet, all prejudice and viciousness has the right to be spewn out. Anyone who says something else must shut up. But I think youâ€™re right in one way Shane â€“ I think I might end reading these posts, since Iâ€™ve already read many interesting ones and these majority juvenile posts are not inspiring me enough to continue. Reply Shane October 28, 2011 You enjoy dancing around the issue and pointing out the imagined flaws you see in me and others who have posted here but you fail to make any new or interesting points about the substance of this article. Essentially the argument comes down to this: Why can’t white girls (or this white girl) get laid in Japan? Reannon provided us her take on the subject: All foreign men in Asia are losers, she is just too “sassy” for local men. BLAHBLAHBLAH nothing is my fault let’s lash out at guys who don’t pay any attention to me. Many men came on and expressed why they felt this was happening. Many women came on and spouted the same tired cliches about oppressed this and “submissive” that. Rather than listening to the men who have come out and TOLD her in black and white why she had problems getting a date, she instead wrote another blog entry incredulous at being told the truth. “Surely we North American women aren’t THAT bad?” she stated. The reply was a resounding chorus of “YES, you are.” Listen, if you want sugar coated replies and people to agree with everything you say, find a cuckolded North American husband who will tell you everything you want to hear. If you want the truth, raw and unfiltered, ask the internet. Just don’t get indignant when the truth hurts. Peace! Reply Eiry October 28, 2011 Peace? Reply Andys October 29, 2011 Eiry You are entitled to your opinion but you are wrong. Western women particularly American white woman, are corrupted and spoiled to a point beyond any value for a man. Not all men are aware of it yet, just as you are not aware of it, but for many men who have traveled to other countries and dated other woman particularly Japan and other Asian countries, the contrast between American white woman and Asian woman is startling. American white woman are completely ruined to men by an amalgam of philosophies, including, Feminism, Princess-ism and Christianity. Although this is to short to explain in detail what I mean, American woman choose the worst of these three concepts to justify any behavior and demands, with no limit to how horrible they look, act and behave. They are poisoned beyond any value to men and any man with any sense would avoid Western women particularly White American women at all costs like they are a plague. Reply Andys October 29, 2011 I’ve been dealing with this issue for many years now. My experience is don’t try to argue with or persuade Western/American White Women on how to become of value to a man because its a waste of time, in keeping with their training these creatures will argue endlessly in the face of truth and logic for no other purpose than to take a combat stance against a man. Rather, in good conscience, just try to reinforce the convictions of our fellow man, especially American white men of the dangers of these unpleasant creatures and to inform those men who don’t know, that if they choose, there is an out for them, there is freedom and happiness for them in Asia with an Asian lady who will be your best friend, partner and lover for life with great care and love. Reply Expat Cougar October 29, 2011 @ Andys How bitter and twisted can you sound, Andys? I’m not surprised that lots of Western women are combative around you. Have you ever considered that you’re the common link in those experiences? By definition, an opinion is neither wrong nor right. You have failed to provide any meaningful reasons and examples to back yours up, though. I’m betting you’ll try now. The angrier you become, the more difficult it is to use language and logic. Now that is a scientific fact. I’m a naturally shy expat woman in Tokyo and I’ve been asked out quite a few times by Japanese guys. Like one of the ladies said earlier, some of that may have been the novelty factor and bragging rights rearing its comic head. Western men seem very interested in me, but Tokyo is a big city and big cities have an aloofness to them that all expats can struggle with. Japanese culture teaches people to not interact with strangers and most expats pick this up unwittingly. I have taken to using my unique status and my curiousity to start conversations with new people on a daily basis. Mainly to practise my Japanese but it also seems to help ward off the loneliness – its tough being human and away from your tribe. The wonderful sideaffect is that I keep getting asked out by some widely inappropriate men – in my opinion. Now you can get all hot and bothered about the idea that people of similiar attractiveness being together, or you can just see it for what it is. It a well-noted phenomenon across every culture and continent. The problem for some people is that attractiveness is measured both personally and culturally. For example my skin is really pale and freckley which I don’t value so highly but generally Japanese men love. And Indian men. And African men. Who knows if the attraction for them is purely personal or more culturally influenced. All I know is that I go through buckets of sunblock and get hit on – by them – a lot. I remind myself that its not personal. Until they know me, its all very superficial and nothing over which to get an inflated ego. The writer of this blog, Reannon Muth, was not the first person to note the beauty and the geek couplings here between not-so-attractive Western guys and gorgeous Japanese women. It may offend some of the people who have benefitted from this change in attractiveness by crossing a border or two to have this pointed out. Its not personal but its hard not get a boost from it. Western cultures and Japanese culture are different. Sounds too simple to say out loud? But, no. Different does not mean better. Or worse. You can try to spot the differences all day, every day or you can just get on with being here and enjoying what you can. You don’t have to love everything about it. You don’t have to accept anything. Life’s so much easier here, though, if you don’t take it personally until it really is personal. Make it personal when you need it to be. Reply Cindy October 30, 2011 Seems like a LOT of men on here have some unresolved mommy issues. I’m sorry that you hate your mother because ALL western women (as you state) are: “lazy, fat uncaring,ugly,rich from daddies money, princess mentality,spoiled, stupid, whores (did I miss a stereotype?)”. Please do not push your unresolved issues with your mothers on the rest of us. Reply Andys October 30, 2011 Oh and another thing she implies these white men aren’t good enough for the Japanese woman. Because these Japanese woman are prettier than she is (aren’t they all) but maybe Asian woman have a different standard for men, maybe Japanese ladies prefer a tall smart white guy with a good job, education and money even though he speaks a little dorky to a gangsta rapper just out of jail that cant speak intelligible English at all. The definition of a desirable man is different in Asia than in the USA. Even in most 3rd world countries an uneducated, criminal (gangsta) man with felony arrest records is not considered desirable but in USA he is a prize. So that’s what I mean USA is a dating cesspool. Reply mcc October 31, 2011 I don’t agree that all western women, or even most of them, are like what’s being described. Don’t get me wrong, the entitled spoiled type are out there — but it’s a stereotype. This all plays into there stereotypes of “western woman” and “charisma man” which have been hashed out ad nauseum. What people like Reannon Muth don’t realize is that by lashing out at the **imaginary** “charisma man”, she simultaneously provides definitive proof of entitled materialistic stuck-up “western woman.” I have a few more thoughts to add. This subject does indeed hit close to home for me; and I assume a fair number of other guys. Without having any grudges with any of the women I’ve dated in America, apparently I became persona non grata to some of those women — and other female acquaintances — by marrying an Asian. It seems that, unbeknownst to me (or my wife), that the common knowledge is that marrying an Asian girl means you’re a woman-hating chauvinistic pig. And of course this is backed by the presupposed fact that the Asian woman is subservient and demure. I’m absolutely certain that these prejudices* arise from people who I thought were friends being threatened by her. I can assure you, my fairer half is in no way subservient. In fact, she has a career job that most women in the US would probably kill for. Most of them don’t know that, however. They just assumed she was a mindless Asian woman who existed for no reason but to please me. Utter bollocks. This article seems to play into that train of thought — that Asian women are just trophies. Material objects that nerds can attain only in Asia. It’s very insulting and given the fact that I (and probably other guys here) have to put up with such nonsense probably explains a lot of the negative responses here. I’m not usually a fan of HuffPo (they’re no better than Faux News), but this article hits it dead on. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jaemin-kim/lets-call-it-what-it-is_b_163698.html The second half is a theory. I suspect Japan is a society streamlined for introverts. “Reading the air”, “Kankeinai”, etc. all play perfectly into the hands of introverts. As does the prefabricated small talk, greetings, etc. An introvert just has to learn the rules and follow them. Learning through casual observation is easy for an introvert. Furthermore, being a good listener is far more valued than being a smooth talker. There’s words for people who talk too much in Japan, especially about themselves or their pet interests. I’ve never understood people who claim Japanese are inscrutable — I suspect those people just aren’t good listeners. I imagine extroverts feel very limited in this environment. Like a fish out of water. And I’m sure all those “geeks”, as mean-spirited extroverted Americans like to label introverts, feel much more at ease and able to move around the social environment in Japan. I know I do. How I feel in America, is probably similar to how the author felt in Japan. It’s tiresome dealing with talkative waitresses and barbers — being judged as “antisocial” just because I don’t want to share my life story with every swinging dick in town. In Japan, extroverts are likely often judged as unable to read the situation and crass if they can’t reign in their outbursts. It’s just unfortunate that the author couldn’t get past her judgmental look-down-her-nose viewpoint at other people to realize that different cultures are suited for different personality types. Instead, she’s established right from the off that she’s above it all and Asia is the only place these sub-standard introverted guys could get a date. America may treat thoughtfulness as if it’s a social disease, but we tend to do quite well post-college-education in America too. I can’t say if that’s true for eikawa, but a lot of opportunities open up with advanced degrees. Including financial success and confidence — 2 of the most important factors for American women. Reply Andys November 1, 2011 Expat Cougar Nope I don’t argue with American white women (they have been trained in vicious combat tactics you know battle of the sexes and all). I don’t have anything to do with them ever… bye please don’t speak to me!! You can be right about everything I don’t care, I just don’t want anything to do with you or your type, I just want to encourage all men to date Asian ladies its a million times better!!! But I will say Ive been in Tokyo along time, I never see Japanese men with American white woman or any men here for that matter. But whatever you say you are right because you are white and your a princess and you are better than everyone else I acknowledge that so just go away leave me alone!! Reply Ashleigh November 1, 2011 I’m currently a single foreign woman living in Japan and am currently experiencing EVERYTHING you wrote. lol It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this feeling. Thanks for a great article. ;) Reply Andys November 1, 2011 Cindy ok thank you for telling us how great you are and how everyone else is wrong! In keeping with your training you are taking a great combat stance good job, we are proud of you little soldier!!! You are woman I can hear you roar!!! You are without a doubt a woman any man would go to another country to avoid! (god I dated a couple of monsters named cindy back in the bad old days before I came to Asia and became free from you creatures) Reply Andys November 1, 2011 OK You loser women have encouraged me to write all my thoughts on this subject in one place like in a book or blog The title “The combat princesses training manual” How to do battle with all men and not let anyone know you are a lady until the perfect prince comes along and gives you everything you have coming to you. (He is a man that does not exist and even if he did exist, he is too stupid to have anything to do with you because he doesn’t realize you are even more perfect than he is, after all you are a beautiful princess hence entitled to everything and he is supposed to give it all to you!!) Reply Andys November 1, 2011 This will continue to explain. How culture, laws and justice system are custom designed to support the white woman, and encourage her to use, abuse and destroy men through dirty, vicious, combat tactics while on her quest to find a prince that does not exist, the whole time playing, sweet, helpless and innocent and blaming everything on the, mean, evil, selfish, stupid man. (especially if he is a white man) Reply Andys November 1, 2011 The purpose of this is for all men of the world to read and understand the training and support of the cultural, legal and justice system for white women and why western civilization during its collapse is uninhabitable for any man with any sense. There are still many parts of the world where men and women live together in love and happiness for a lifetime, but its impossible in the USA for any extended period of time with an American white woman so just give up on that idea. After reading the men will understand why its impossible in the USA but very possible with women from many other countries. This book will provide a complete description on how to find Asian women for love and happiness in other countries while avoiding American white woman like the plague on earth that they are. Reply Andys November 1, 2011 American White Women get used to being alone. My brother married a Mexican lady!! All my friends have married Mexican, Indian, Black or Asian ladies. Around the world no men want American white women, American men are now starting to see it too!! My goal is to encourage every man to not marry a white woman. GO AWAY!!! Even Black American woman are getting good careers and working hard to be desirable and please men, the way Asian woman do! Many black women are becoming very lady like, attractive and pleasant. Trust me white American woman are finished they cannot compete with any other woman. You can sit alone in your tshirts and sweat paints with all your cats and tell the cats how buetfuil you are, how great you are and how stupid men are, for not bowing down before you!! To all American White Women WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR US MEN? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PLEASE US? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SAY “HEY MAYBE I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM, HE HAS MANY WOMEN TO CHOOSE FROM, I AM NOT A PRINCESS, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE MYSELF MORE PLEASANT AND DESIRABLE FOR A MAN”? You will never say it or think it that is why you are all fat slobs, with the behavior of a drunken construction worker and you will die alone with your 10 cats, thinking you are a princess and men are just screwed up with a mommy complex, god your stupid!!! Reply MeMe November 1, 2011 Andyâ€¦.I think we can all safely say that you have some seriously deep rooted issues with your mother. Iâ€™m sure her being an unloving fat slob with 10 cats must have destroyed your childhood, but please try to be objective with your sweeping comments. Also, I do believe we are all thinking that it is VERY good that somebody has taken a bullet for the rest of us decided to love you. You seem like a very hateful person with lots of baggage loving individual that we would be very lucky to have. I also notice all you ever mention is dating. From my experience the story seems to change after marriage, but if you are such an amazing catch that I am sure it will happen sooner than later. It comes down to people individually. I`m skinny and very likable, but you are probably blocking `my lies` out. Im also married to another foreigner who has dated many Asian girls of different nationalities before he married me. And he says Im the best he ever had (In all aspects: loving, caring, attractive, and a best friend). It`s not an issue of race, but of personality. Or do you simply ignore the overweight, ugly and overbearing Asian girls you met, as well as the attractive and caring foreigners? But again, we all wish you luck in your new found `dating` success. Maybe one day, one of the girls will REALLY like you, and agree to marry you. Then you will have children. Hopefully all boys so that they are not forced to be half white and women, which by your definition will make them have to fight their evil, lazy, ugly, fat, and snobby halves. ïŠ Reply Andys November 2, 2011 ok MEME your name kinda says it all thanks for telling us how awesome you are Reply Andys November 2, 2011 Me Me Me Me Me thanks for taking a combat stance! I really miss it! thanks for reminding us that you are a princess! And of course you are much better than Asian women that’s obvious! Reply Andys November 2, 2011 MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME Not to argue with you because I know your a combat machine and I dont want anything to do with you. But I would like to point out to others that 1) you are either stupid 2) or you are employing a standard combat tactic right out of the â€œThe combat princesses training manualâ€ What is that tactic? Discredit everything a man says by associating him with a socially unacceptable concept, for example racism. you imply that I am very stupid and you begin to regurgitate simple racial concepts to me but Its clear that I said American White Woman (or Western White women in general) so actually, I am saying the reason American white women are of no value to men for the long term is a cultural phenomenon associated with the collapse of western civilization. But I understand your programming so well I already knew some stupid woman would write a comment like this. In fact, I think Russian white woman are some of the finest women in the world for dating and marriage. (but it doesn’t matter if you are lying because remember the goal here is to take a combat stance against a man, truth itself doesn’t matter because you are a soldier and a princess) Reply Grover Cooper November 2, 2011 Wow… Andys is one bitter guy along with some other bitter guys who have probably never left the US. I spend approximately 6 months a year for work in Europe, Asia (including Australia) and South America. The grass always looks greener, but I have to tell you… there is nothing better than American women (Australian women are VERY close second). Every country has its best and worst, but on the whole American women are more confident, engaging and enjoy being women. If you like the subservient attitudes of many women in other countries, you might just be that kind of old school guy… its just not for me. Reply Andys November 2, 2011 MeMe In case you didn’t know most of Russia is in Asia, Which is largely white and Eurasian mix due to the invasion of the area by Attila the Hun, and Hungary was his furthest staging area which served as a base for his raids into Rome itself. (its named after him meme) your knowledge, intellect and experience is so feeble and limited please don’t ever speak to me again!!! It really is an insult to me for a creature like you to address me! Reply Andys November 2, 2011 Ok Grover your probably an American White Woman no one else would say anything so stupid. If your really a man and believe that sissy foolishness grow some balls dude no wonder America is collapsing. Reply Drey Brandon November 4, 2011 Most western women are so unattractive, most are overweight by 50% or 60%, most are bitter, many drink, are loud and agressive,so many have tatoos, smoke, swear, and are angry that even western men dont like them. If you are none of these, are pleasant, intelligent, slim, healthy, un marked from metal spikes or ink, then you should find a western man with no problem. In the meantime you cant compete against Asian women. Reply Andys November 4, 2011 I agree with you most western white women are disgusting in appearance, but they are even more disgusting in attitude, personality and behavior. The modern expectations, the role and the demands that American white women have for men, have been forged during the collapse of the civilization, many of these communist Ideas have destroyed the United States and any chance for a positive relationship or family with American white woman so don’t even think that is possible!! You will pay and you will suffer. even if you consent to being a complete slave and giving her everything she wants, its never enough for her trust me. If a American white woman is somehow attractive, still avoid her like the plague, maybe even more so. Sure she can be nice and sweet at first, or even ok while she is getting what she wants out of you but Please Please for the love of god never make the mistake of thinking an American white woman is different from others or that this one is ok, you will suffer great misery, you will pay endlessly and suffer extreme abuse for many years. You will be hated, you will be a slave, you may be thrown in jail (for doing nothing) she will steal every thing you ever earned and worked for, its not just my story look at a post from a friend of mine here. This is a typical relationship in the US today with these monsters called American white woman. Its a nightmare from which escape is nearly impossible she will use the law and courts to torture and punish you for years if you try to get out. from my friend Iâ€™m a StepDad of 3 still hanging in the relationship trying to give my all, despite all the insecurity issues, time, affection, appreciation, even sexualness I donâ€™t get. I still stick around for her and the kids. We both work but I make about 4x as much as she does, my check goes on her the kids and bills. All my time is spent on them but not at all reciprocated. Everything and everyone else is her priority, ie. Birthday parties (for children) all parades, holidays, anything she can take the kids to or do she does which makes absolutely no time for us or me. I still send her flowers to work for special occasions but most times just for the heck of it to tell her I love her.. I try relieving any of her stress I can just so she can focus on me a little but It never works out that way.. other than what I do for her and the kids I am pretty much an inconvenience to her. I love them to death but I am really asking myself if I could live the rest of my life as an OPTION for her. Reply Andys November 4, 2011 LETS HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE AND PRAYER FOR ALL OUR FRIENDS, BROTHERS. FATHERS AND SONS AROUND THE COUNTRY SUFFERING GREAT MISERY AT THE HANDS OF THESE MONSTERS!! I of course advised him to lose weight get in shape, dress nice, dump that loser and get an Asian or Russian lady and don’t ever look at, speak to, or acknowledge the existence of an American white woman again as long as he lives. Reply Andys November 4, 2011 Everyone around the world knows all this is true about American White Women, except American men. Its hard to see the forest through the trees for American men, But outside of America its easy to see these are the reasons why Japanese men in General or any other men from all other countries wont have anything to do with American white women. But When American men go to other countries they are valued for how kind, accommodating and loving they are to women. Reply Keichan November 9, 2011 I am surprised by some of the negativity here. I am also an American woman living in Japan who has felt frustrated with her sex life, or lack thereof, in Japan. This is my second year living in rural Japan, and sex life aside, I am having the time of my life. I have met many wonderful people and made many good friends. I am so grateful for having the opportunity to live here, and will carry these memories in my heart for the rest of my life. The first year I was in Japan, I had a boyfriend (American). It has been a year since we broke up and in that time, I have only had four dates (with Japanese guys) with no prospects for any type of long-term relationship and for the first time in my thirty years on this planet it is starting to affect the way I feel about myself. I am probably not like most American women in Japan because I am half Japanese/half Black. That and I am 5â€™10â€ (178cm) and 135 lbs. (61kg). Talk about standing out! I have always had good self-esteem and my mother (Japanese) has always taught me to be humble and think of others first. I am quite traditional, and extremely outgoing and friendly. I am also athletic (was a semi-pro mountain bike racer), attractive (was a model/actress) and smart (majored in Computer Science) with a touch of nerdiness (I can beat anyone in N64 Golden 007, and have played many RPGs from Zelda, Dragon Quest, Seiken Densetsu, Chrono Trigger to Final Fantasy). I can speak Japanese, and through my mother I have adopted a sort of Japanese mentality in that women should do and be â€œthis wayâ€ and men should do and be â€œthat way.â€ I am non-confrontational and have been told by many of my American friends that I am way too nice and accommodating; often going way beyond what I should to appease others â€“ but it makes me happy. (ç¬‘) I like nice and simple, unpretentious men who care about hard work, family and stability. However, the only men who approach me in Japan are the guys that use alot of hair gel and wear tons of cologne and just want to sleep with me. (Westerners and Japanese) I realize that is probably because most of the guys that I like, who also live in the conservative countryside, have probably never even thought about dating a foreigner, let alone marrying one. So I keep on keeping onâ€¦..letâ€™s keep up the faith girls. (even though, I know its hardâ€¦..) Reply Andys November 9, 2011 Keichan You sound like a great lady and you really have nothing in common with American white women. Just the tone of your writing shows a huge difference. You are not arrogant, condescending or delusional about your importance. In other words you seem like a really nice lady. Any man would be lucky to know you. Gambatte Reply Lenajoy November 11, 2011 @Andy “even black women are becoming very ladylike and pleasant.” There have always been ladylike pleasant BW. More non-black men are at long last taking notice. “Even Black American woman are getting good careers and working hard to be desirable and please men, the way Asian woman do!” We have quietly worked diligently and acquired careers for quite some time. Again, thanks for noticing. No need to compare us to Asian women. Please As one of the educated black women with a great career you are speaking of, (thin attractive and happily dating wonderful men across the rainbow), let me gently and ever respectfully suggest you make your point about western ww without denigrating us? Your verbiage though meant as a compliment is insulting to us as black women. Thanks. Reply Working in Japan November 12, 2011 This might not be an issue of foreign women in Japan, but of the state of dating in Japan in general. Many foreign men I know also find it hard to find a Japanese girl that wants to commit, not just play with her foreign boy toy. And my co-workers say that they are weary of dating a foreigner, because they donâ€™t want a weird-o with a fetish, or simply a guy to leave her after a few months/ years in Japan. Gaijin hunters/ and guys with yellow fever are fun, until you want a sincere relationship. I think a big question is being missed here. How is it like to date in Japan as a WOMAN period? I work with many Japanese female co-workers that I would consider either cute or pretty, and they haven’t had dates in years. They complain that all men their age are working long hours to develop their careers, and most older men are married and only want one night stands. Many of my co-workers state that “Japanese men are no good”(not my opinion), because of outdated social roles and expectations, example “working 12hour days, cheating being ok, one night stands being the norm, and not being very affectionate in general”. These women are under 30, so I think itâ€™s a good sample of current attitudes to dating in Japan. I also don’t think anybody has much chance of a love life if they live in the Inaka. Many people I know have significant others that live hours away in different cities. Most of these women tell me that they will either get a match maker or let their parents set them up with a potential husband when they are ready to get married. This is just my 2 cents from coffee talks with my Japanese female co-workers Reply Andys November 14, 2011 Lenajoy I agree black women, are becoming more desirable you admit We have quietly worked diligently and acquired careers for quite some time. Again, thanks for noticing. And yes I notice it, I notice everything about women!!! I have dated black women, made a compliment to you and black women in general and you attack me because I didn’t make the compliment nice enough!! Sure black woman have come along way, but dont make the mistake of the white woman in US your not gods, we have many other options, be our friends work with men and leave the combat for the battle field. So anyone can see clearly here that you are taking a combat stance, you just cant handle a strong man. So my point is clear any foreign woman is preferable to any American woman. American white woman are the worst in the world, the best you can do as a black woman is not to try to be like them, trust me on this try to be more like Asian woman you could have many happy years with men or a man of your choice rather than years of brutal combat. Reply Andys November 14, 2011 Women here is a chance to redeem yourself come before me and say ” You are right I am a brainwashed American woman, feminism, Oprah , Cosmo etc has created nightmare relationships between men and woman, woman view men as enemies to attack, this has resulted in unhappy and lonely people, relationships and high rates of bitter divorce. I don’t know anything about the real world, I am selfish, spoiled, demanding self centered and delusional about my own importance, I act like a child, I don’t really care about anything but myself, I am too proud to try to please a man, I don’t want Ophra, Cosmo, Hillary or any of those crazy maniacs to advise me, I want a real man of strength, intelligence and knowledge like you to help me become a better lady, to help me to learn to live with men with a strong bond and working together as a team as nature intended” I know I know F U you blah blah SOB Reply Andys November 15, 2011 Working in Japan there are many extra beautiful ladies in Japan, an American woman just has no chance to get a date, she is just to arrogant, ugly, fat and feminist so just forget it, and the Japanese women that hung around with you are likely not very desirable either, I’m not surprised they cant find a man. Reply Chiara November 18, 2011 Hi Reannon, I am actually a little surprised to hear that. I think it is difficult to be a single women anywhere, but here it doesn’t really seem particularly problematic here. You may have to have a slightly more forceful approach, but once it is done, guys are more than happy to respond. The Japanese men I’ve dated have said that it is actually the independent streak that is so attractive, although I know this is not true for all guys here. I hope you still enjoyed Japan though! Reply Dan November 20, 2011 Interesting conversation, I think Tommy hit a nail on the head. In the west, women have very high expectation yet offer very little. They have a cold heart and only deserve the same in return. Why do you even worry what “skinny nerds” do and who they date. Reply younggirlintokyo November 21, 2011 I think it all really depends on luck, or much of it…. Ive lived in japan about year and a half now, I’m a finnish, light brown haired (blond to foreigners) , green eyed girl. I guess Im not too intimidating since Im 160cm tall so not too tall for japanese, and quite small sized… (Im 21 but thought to be 17 in Finland and other western countries…) I really get lots of attention here, people admire my eyes and white skin..some girls n boys wanna take pics with me at bars and school kids stare at me and say im so cute.. sometimes im hit on on the street by guys many times in a week.. I dont wanna sound conceited (which I know Im sounding right now :/.. but, Idk why I guess my outlook and maybe the fact that Im short idk, but it makes me less scary to japanese, i dont know.. But, I dated couple japanese guys first and it was just really hard, they didnt take me seriously and I never felt properly connected with them, But couple months into living here I met my bf who ive been with 1,5 yrs now and live together with.. I think I was just lucky to find him, since hes a japanese (havent lived abroad) but very into american and asutralian n other foreign bands and has loads of foreign friends. So, I think thats the kindof japanese guys who will suite western women best… Yet it might be hard to find them.. Reply Donguri November 30, 2011 ^I’m Finnish and the same age as the person above, only that I’m a tall blonde with blue eyes :D This is the second time I’m living in Japan, and can’t say I’d complain! I get a lot more attention from good-looking young men than I would back in the home country. Mostly it’s nice, sometimes embarrassing… It’s nice that guys compliment my looks to each other, but to do this next to me, not so silently (prolly thinking I wouldnt understand…) in a public place is a bit too much sometimes :D Also, from my pov Japanese guys can get a bit creepy with their shyness. I’ve had guys following me, discussing about whether they dare or not to ask for my cell phone mail adress. Reply ClÃ©mence December 2, 2011 Very interesting article, well written and quite funny as-well, although my experience here in Japan is quite different. I’m a french girl (24 yrs), I’m employed by a large advertising agency here in Japan. It’s been 1 year and close to 6 months now since I’m enjoying my new busy life here. I have to say my experience is drastically different from yours. Also, I spoke fluent japanese even before I came here, and I believe that was/is a huge help to expend my social life. I made foreign friends and japanese friends fairly easily. As for the japanese men here : I’ve never had so much attention ! In my country I’ve never had a problem, but here the intention I get is really crazy in comparison. And I really have nothing special, they are tons of women like me in France (I’m 168 cm, skinny, blue eyes, dark hair, very fair skinned). I really think that the problem for a lot of foreigners here (and specially foreign women) to built a solid social/love life here is the language barrier. Reply mike December 4, 2011 You should change the title to American women. Nobody wants a selfish entitled bitchy U.S woman! Reply Andys December 5, 2011 Things you will never hear an American white woman say. And I really have nothing special, they are tons of women like me in France (Iâ€™m 168 cm, skinny, blue eyes, dark hair, very fair skinned). American White woman would say I’m a big beautiful woman and I’m a princess too, Reply Brian December 9, 2011 Cute? Sorry, the author is absolutely gorgeous. Reply Emily December 13, 2011 Keep on taking the pills, Andys. Reply Ted December 18, 2011 Of course western women get little attention. A western woman in Asia is like a ham sandwich at a banquet. Want to solve the problem? Go home. Reply Dutchman December 19, 2011 The odd thing is though that the American women I have met so far were far more feminine and lovable then many European women. Particularly Dutch or British women (the latter being absolute disasters) who are just spoiled to the core. I must say that the author is drop- dead gorgeous (and obviously intelligent) but for what I have seen in this blog she also has that nasty sense of entitlement that seems to be so characteristic of Western women. A shame though because if they wouldn’t behave like spoiled princesses they would be actual princesses. They have the looks for it.. what’s lacking is the proper attitude. Which is something I have found in some of my Asian friends. Maybe those men that go to Asia and find someone there do so because they are sick and tired of the condescending attitudes of their female compatriots. Reply Andys December 23, 2011 God I went back to the states to visit for thanksgiving. Somehow those monsters called American woman have got even fatter, holy mother of god!!! The dress like peasants from a third world country, act like men on steroids and think they are the greatest creatures in the world that own the planet. God I feel sorry for the men in the US if you have never left the US you have no idea of the misery you are enduring and how much better things are in the rest of the world. Thank all that is holy that im back in Tokyo, where the ladies come up to touch my arms and shoulders in the gym. They are so sweet, they dress and act like ladies they are trim and beautiful every where there are trim pleasant Japanese ladies, god I feel sorry for men in the US. Reply Andys December 23, 2011 GOD If your an American man evacuate the US its a nightmare of fat, nasty, hateful, vicious women. Go to a different country, eat fresh foods, get some exercise, you will have a great life dating many trim appreciative beautiful pleasant ladies. You will then wonder why any man would stay in the US Reply Andys December 23, 2011 Emily Please don’t speak to me Reply Andys December 23, 2011 I never speak to white American women, please never address me!! Reply Robby December 24, 2011 I lived in Asia and Europe for several years, so I’ve seen all perspectives of the dating field in every part of the Globe… What you wrote is true. White men definitely date a few standards up from their usual range when living in Asia. However, I’d like to add a personal observation that you touched on: “If such a nirvana existed for Western woman, Iâ€™m sure Iâ€™d have moved there too.” Such a place already exists for you white women; its called “the West”. I really enjoyed reading about your frustration, because that’s the daily reality of frustrations experienced by an ‘average’ guy living in “the west”. In fact, if you really want to move to a country where the roles are totally reversed in your favor, you should move to Germany. Its miserable being a white American guy dating in Germany. I think the women’s lib movement swung way to far along time ago in the West. Now men are demonized and vilified as horny moronic slugs that must prove their worthiness to any female they wish to pursue by writhing through a series of superficial trials and tribulations. In Asia the playing field is more even keel. Men can just ignore the BS and just be themselves; not having to go out of their way to prove anything or grovel for a woman’s attention. Also Asian women are less selfish in relationships that Western women. Seriously, If you want dating nirvana for a white woman try Scandinavia or Germany. Your Tokyo experience will be turned on its head. Reply Andys December 26, 2011 Robby I too lived in Germany, I had a great girlfriend in Germany. I think the states are much worse than Germany I lived there 3 years. Now where in the world has women as bad as the US, If your near a base there could be lots of extra men, so that could be a different experience. I did have 2 beautiful wives in the US, but god it cost me I would still be paying if I didn’t evacuate the country for Tokyo, The first wife left me for the neighbor while I worked 15 hours a day to give her everything she demanded and the other I dumped because she was such a monster. About your comment “White men definitely date a few standards up from their usual range when living in Asia.” I think its the opposite every man dates down in the US because women control the country, from laws to culture everything is against men, its all about abusing the man, Where else can women take everything a man has worked for his whole life his house, money, kids everything he will earn in the future, cut of his penis and all the woman laugh and say he deserved it? F— those monsters. The women in US are fattest nasty most spoiled rotten creatures in the history of the world!!! Any man that’s speaks to looks at or dates one is insane!! American women are the McDonald s of women rotten crap that makes your stomach sick if you like it you just don’t know any better. They barley qualify as humans and they delight as being as mean vicious and condescending to men as possible. Although I agree its white western women in general I think if you had a perspective in foreign countries other than military then you would see clearly the woman in the US are way worse than anywhere else in the world its not even close. Reply Andys December 26, 2011 Go to Mexico and the whole of South America again you will see you are dating down in the US, because the women in the US are fat, spoiled, horrible, rotten creatures. there are very few nice looking women in US, even if the are pretty they act like men dress like slobs, and treat men like garbage. And once a US white woman is over 25, there are almost no pretty ones left. The rest of the world is full of many pretty women well into their 50′s of course all of Asia and South America but also including France and all of Eastern Europe, Reply Adina December 29, 2011 Andys, please be fair here. No, before you even inquire, I’m not white. I’m just your average everyday black girl who tends to be very polite. I only know a few people who are these “horrible american white women” as you say. I suppose you haven’t met many white american girls, have you? I’m sure that france is a beautiful country with beautiful people. Hence, I refuse to judge everyone in france by you being rude on here. See how that works? Please calm down and discuss this rationally. If white Americans were so bad, they wouldn’t be so well off in this world now would they? Reply blackpassenger January 5, 2012 I’ve been living in japan for ten years now. born in jamaica, but lived in the US and Uk before japan. and yes, I’m a rice king. I came here because yellow is my favourite color. i find it ironic how “hot” anglo women come to japan and get completely ignored. They may’ve been babes in toronto or LA, but here, they may as well be nuns. im one of those who is very guilty of taking full advantage of my status as a black male in japan. its quite a feast. love it and will never leave Reply blackpassenger January 5, 2012 and dont get mad at me, its not my fault. Reply Andys January 7, 2012 Adina I will gladly speak to you, if you love American white women so much then you date them, Ive already dated many of them and married a few too, and compared to all other women they are at the bottom by far, even the few good looking American white women are so conceited spoiled selfish and self centered, no man could get along with them for very long no matter how hard they try sorry its just the facts the rest of the world knows it, so why would they want to date them when their are legions of beautiful sweet Japanese women everywhere in Japan. Its not rocket science. But the typical white woman assumes she is the most awesome person trust me I know this I have dated many if men don’t approach her they must be scared because she is so beautiful haha what a joke and there is something wrong with the whole world and everyone else but nothing is wrong with her, she is perfect and the most desirable creature in the world. Other people are just too stupid to see it. typical white woman! Reply Andys January 7, 2012 black passenger why would anyone hate you? Men and women should enjoy each other for friendship, sex, love marriage they should have healthy positive relationships, Japanese woman and many women in the world understand this. But American woman want to do combat with men you know “battle of the sexes” the man is always a jerk no matter what, they want to take from men, use men and punish men. especially the American white women. Thats why men in the world dont want American women did i mention they are fat slobs too, ITS NOT MY OPINION THE LADY WROTE THE ARTICLE AND ASKED WHY IM TELLING PEOPLE WHY AMERICAN WHITE WOMEN SUCK THEY ARE BY FAR THE WORST WOMEN IN THE WORLD THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS IT AND AVOIDS THEM” They are selfish self-centered spoiled corrupted by feminism refuse to please a man, they just want to take from the man what can he do for her what does he have to offer, they think they are great its beyond ridicules. I for one im happy for you, men and women should have positive healthy relationships just try not to hurt others while having fun. Most of you have probably never left the states its amazing how ignorant you are its shocking how ignorant Reply Andys January 7, 2012 AMERICAN WOMEN WHITE AMERICAN WOMEN SPECIFICALLY SHE CANT GET SEX IN JAPAN AND ITS COMING AROUND THESE OTHER WUSS MEN DON’T HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL YOU!!! START ACTING LIKE LADIES HELP YOUR MEN DO SOMETHING TO SHOW HIM YOU WANT HIM, YOUR NOT THE CENTER OF THE WORLD YOUR JUST A PERSON LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE AND 4 BILLION OTHER WOMEN IN THE WORLD HAVE A PU- – - Y TOO YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. START ACTING LIKE HUMANS AND LADIES OR SOON NO ONE WILL TOLERATE YOU ANYMORE. YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE AND THANK ME I HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH YOUR F-IN BITCHES. LOSE WEIGHT TRY TO DRESS NICE, ACT LADY LIKE GOD HOW STUPID ARE YOU? Reply Andys January 7, 2012 SHE ASKED THE QUESTION AND I DON’T CARE IF YOU HATE ME FOR GIVING THE TRUE RIGHT ANSWER ITS NOT MY FAULT IF YOUR TOO IGNORANT TO UNDERSTAND ITS THE TRUTH AMERICAN WOMEN (ESPECIALLY THE WHITE ONES), YOUR SPOILED ROTTEN, LITTLE MONSTER BRATS AND NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU WHEN THEY HAVE OTHER WOMAN TO CHOOSE FROM ITS SIMPLE Reply Andys January 7, 2012 Im almost 50, I was a child in the late 60;s early 70′s America was a much different place, there was no divorce, mothers didn’t work, they cooked cleaned and took care of kids, every child had a mother and father, we would go to different kids house for lunch and a nice sweet slim mother would take care of us for awhile then send us all back out to play. Father would come home at 6pm or so and the family would sit down to dinner that mother cooked and served. I’m sure there must have been some bad families but everyone I knew and saw were very happy. I remember this well. For those of you who weren’t alive the people in charge decided that they hated this world, they said it was unfair to women and then started to change it, this is what they did. The started with little kids in school, tv shows, movies and magazines. They directed women to battle with men, The said they need to empower women, they did this by making all the laws in their favor for divorce etc, The went on a mission to increase womens self esteem and to encourage women to dethrone men in the work place and at home. from childhood these white women were implanted with an exaggerated sense of self esteem, confidence and expectations, that they would rule the world and still have the most beautiful rich man in the world on his knees telling her how wonderful she is. So America became an artificial environment an experiment where women have an exaggerated view of themselves, their confidence, ego and self esteem is inflated to a point to allow them to battle and dethrone men. little boys were taught in school to accept this that good men support women in this mission. The result is there is no expectations for the behavior of women they can act as badly as they want as long as they don’t act feminine, there is no expectation for there appearance men should love them the way they are big and beautiful, they don’t need to lose weight or dress nice. The culture was changed to blame every bad thing for all time on men, now the assumption is men are bad and wrong and women are perfect. OK so now a man steps out of this environment into any other country in the world, the goal of women everywhere else is to find love, marriage and be a partner with a loving man. These women are not part of this ridicules experiment they are just women, She makes herself desirable by behaving and looking her best, she cares about how she makes the man feel she cares about his life, for the first time in his life he hears a woman say something other than ME and MONEY You may curse me now but I hope someday the truth comes out, I don’t hate American white women I feel sorry for them if I could tell American white women something this would be it, what is important in life is your family children and love with your partner. Even though you think your awesome you are not special you are just a person like 7 billion other people in the world. Even if you think your smart and beautiful your not, there are millions smarter and more beautiful sorry that’s just life grow up. There is no beautiful rich prince charming that will put up with you so just forget it, find a man you love and he loves you and be grateful you got that much out of life not everyone gets that much. You will have to work to keep that man even though he is not prince charming and you think you deserve much better reality is he probably has more options with other women than you do with other men and he maybe able to get a woman better than you at anytime just look at Japan think about that while your in one of your tirades you cant focus on yourself all the time, YOU REALLY ARE NOT IMPORTANT. Thats why there are so many divorces. I’m sorry they ruined the women, families and country, I for one know it was a much better place for everyone I was there!! Reply Marysa January 11, 2012 You hit the nail on the head with this one! ><), have told me they were nervous when they first met me because they thought I was so pretty. I don't think I'm pretty, but I do think I look interesting in a — this will sound odd — appealing sort of way. But it doesn't work, being "pretty." You could probably be a beauty queen in the West, and it won't matter in Japan. I remember Taylor Swift on Music Station one week, and nobody blinked an eye at her!! -__- I don't care about being a beauty queen or being viewed as such. But the loneliness is too sad. What can we do to change that? Show Japanese guys we're not quite as intimidating as we apparently appear? And I'm writing this at 3 AM, so none of that came out quite the right way, but…well…at the end of the day, I just wanna thank you so much for this post. m(_ _)m So so SO true… (;___;) Reply ygardin January 12, 2012 As a Japanese-born, living in the US, I think it’s normal for single women to look for a boyfriend/girlfriend. True, I know what you are going through. I’m still searching… and feel unattractive and jealous of women who have a boyfriend. And yet, when I travel, I go for the experience, trying to talk to people, and seeing sights. Reply Sunny January 13, 2012 All of this was interesting but I’m really curious as to how Japanese people react to foreigners especially black foreigners in general?? I’d love to go there to teach English but I’d be alone and foreign. I know a white male who went there and met and married a Japanese girl but he was obsessed with Japanese culture. They now have a baby. I also know a Japanese woman who married a German man. This post was amusing because although I understood the author’s frustration, I felt she was a touch to condescending and resentful of the so-called charisma men and the women that choose to date them. Why is it so important to date a Japanese man? I doubt I’d be thinking about that on top of working, being abroad without family or friends and trying to learn the language. The dating scene is probably just vastly different as anyone go has glanced at a Manga would know. Reply blackpassenger January 14, 2012 Sunny, I’m a black man living in Japan. I live in Nishinomiya, a suburb of Kobe, been here for ten years now. If youd like to know about the experience of the black male in Japan, I have written a book just for you. It’s called Black Passenger Yellow Cabs: A Memoir of Exile and Excess in Japan. Its available everywhere. Check it out and let me know what you think. Japan is a compleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetly opposite experience for the black man to what it is for the white woman. next to the white man, we are worshipped here. Reply GeishaGroan January 19, 2012 So, basically, this Reannon Muth got to experience what it is like for the average male in America? Right? In the US it is the mediocre women who party it up, leverage relationships out of hot guys and wade through hundreds of eager men like they’re doing laps at the community pool. Meanwhile your average male gets his soul raped in an exhausting job then gets to sit at home alone feeling “unattractive, unwanted and worst of all, un-male” by serpentine US women. The fact that tons of expat guys are chided for not being good enough bald spots and all is indicative of the fantasy dating matrix females have created in America. News flash, those guys you feel are inadequate are the guys you. should. be. boinking. If you don’t believe me all you have to do is look at a female’s life cycle as evidence. A female blossoms to her peak beauty between the ages of 16-22, ask any guy. The purpose of all that beauty is to enchant the boys around her into catering to her needs while they appropriate the scars of adulthood. Her offering of concentrated beauty ensured that the female will have male caretaker(s) when she goes barren. Not to mercilessly claim one of the jobs for herself, force the men to take up the slack, then accept the toil from one worker and hand the payment over to another. And if things were more balanced the guys would go through you and your sisters like the geisha girls you despise. The way the japanese females treat their men, with deference, respect and access to their bodies, is the nirvana that Western women like you have gracelessly withheld. The upper class white western woman is probably the most desired female in the world. However there is one problem with her that makes men vomit. Her use of casual sex to deliberately create a sexual caste. Casual sex is on the table at all times in our contemporary era, but the western female has used the modern dowries of her youth, employment and of course welfare to give respect to a few fantasy males while shunting all the other guys into a video game riddled basement in hell. Men who in a just society would be given free samples of her moss growth like everyone else, are expelled by the western female to a cold penalty box until her 30th birthday. These gifts given to her by the western man pump up her ego and inflate her worth at what cost to the male? Well now you know. Isolation. Bitterness. Self-doubt. A purgatory of frustration. Most western girls leave Japan because the tide turns in the social scene correct? Don’t you wonder what would happen if they were forced to stay? For years even? Wouldn’t they start to see Japan as a type of prison? A nightmare place where their sexual urges are so repressed they question their sanity? Of course this all could be avoided if the girls simply lowered their standards. (Kinda like what dating gurus lamely tell guys here.) In your case it would be to provide casual sex to the natives without the constraints of a beta “relationship.” But that’s impossible in the entitled western girl’s mind aint it? There are no Caucasian frat boys they can select to drape on their arm like what they are used to when they go, well, anywhere in the US. And you even dare lie to us that you were interested in a Japanese guy. Please. Western girls don’t stoop. You made that clear in your description of the expat males. These chumps have found a sexual paradise in your eyes. As if they’ve won the lotto. No my dear. They’ve won their self-worth as men. Back from you. Reply blackpassenger January 19, 2012 geisha groan, very long winded indeed. can’t believe i read the whole thing. you sound disgruntled. what you need is game, aka social skills. forget about dating gurus, you need interpersonal communication skills. if you got that, even if you are as ugly as a rhino, you can have beautiful women. here in japan, all a western man needs to be bedding an army of super attractive women, is the ability to cast a shadow. and if you have advance interpersonal skills (like i do) you will screw yourself into a coma. i was once like you: ugly shy and awkward, especially around women. then i went to therapy and started taking some speech classes in college. there is hope for you. stop being bitter. rule no 1, hyper beautiful women are easier than regular women to get, because they are usually insecure about their looks, not being sure if people like them for their looks or for who they are. moreover, many of them were molested as children, so they are usually not aware of just how beautiful they are. while you’re taking some speech classes, take some psychology classes too. you’ll clean up in the US and in Japan. but japan doesn’t count, because its like fishing in a japanese sized bathtub with a wok. good luck and if you have any questions, check out my book about japan: black passenger yellow cabs: a memoir of exile and excess in japan. matte ne. Reply Dex January 22, 2012 Mediocre looking white girl believes she should be treated like royalty due to her race and then becomes bitter when she is not. YAWN Reply Elizabeth January 22, 2012 I read the article because I enjoy getting the viewpoint of others’ experiences in the world. Reading the comments I realized that maybe they were more important than the article itself. Generalizations, stereotypes, harsh words, and overall discouragement flows out from every few posts. In fact, if this were published for prospective tourists to read chances are tourism will go down drastically. Every nation, ethnic group, etc has their snobs, their beauties, their nerds, the uglies, and all sorts-that is what makes the world a diverse place to live. Among all this people develop their own wants, needs, likes, and dislikes but never will everyone understand what others find appealing or unappealing. Beauty is subjective-it depends on how you were raised, were you were raised, and what your personal mentality is-noone can choose to make you have preferences. Every person in the world has a right to their opinions based on personal beliefs and experiences. No person can say they know about any group in its entirety because there will always be a section that is different. Yes white western women can be bossy bitches but they can also be caring and giving. Same is true for Asians, Africans, Europeans, and all others since that is part of the diversity. If you want to find a person for you then look. Don’t let someone else’s perspective blind your eyes. If you want to know how people will be, then talk to and visit them-don’t depend on stereotypes. If you want to try to live somewhere other than your home country-do it, not because of an article but because you want to. Be yourself and you will meet people who will like you for you, not you for an image. People just need to quit thinking about how others view things and look for themselves. It’s called being an adult, spreading your wings, having an open mind, and accepting that people are different everywhere in every culture. Peace and blessings. Reply Eric January 23, 2012 Reannon: I don’t know why you call yourself average – you’re quite cute and sexy. Bet you’d have better luck with an expat here in Tokyo! Reply Albert January 23, 2012 For me, it’s not the Western woman’s looks that are horrible, it’s their attitudes and behavior. They really are just little girls who refuse to grow up and expect everything to be handed to them simply because they were born female. American women are the worst possible choice for dating and marriage. They won’t think twice about screaming ‘rape’ or ‘sexual harassment’ as a way to punish you if you dare to displease them, and unfortunately the laws seem to give them the benefit of the doubt. Reply Eric January 24, 2012 There certainly are some rather misogynistic comments on here. You can meet spoiled people of either sex everywhere in the world. People who have been raised with wealth and privilege, particularly in their youth, tend to be more demanding and selfish, but with luck they outgrow it. You’ll find that to be true whether you’re in LA, London, Omotesando, or Katmandu. Sweeping generalizations are never healthy. Reply blackpassenger January 24, 2012 i think you guys bagging on western women are just a bunch of pimple faced beta males, who couldn’t get a date at the prom. but thank your lucky stars, theres japan Reply Eric January 24, 2012 Haha! Tell it like it is BP! Reply Albert January 25, 2012 I think the guys bagging on western women HAVE dated them and have concluded that they’re not worth the time or effort. Reply Dood McMan January 25, 2012 The reason foreign men ignore Western women (unless they R seeking a green card 2 immigrate & steal), is because WESTERN WOMEN R GARBAGE! All they do is lie, cheat, & steal. & if U R unlucky enough 2 ever marry 1, they will innevitably turn 2 witches (if not already), get fat, gross, &/or divorce U, then steal your property & children (if U were unfortunate enough 2 breed with them). That’s reality, & THAT is Y Western women R ignored in other nations. The only men on Earth stupid enough 2 think Western Women have value R Western men, & they only think that when they have not had the opportunity 2 learn that there R in fact REAL girls out there – Not just Western junk. Reply Whatever888 January 26, 2012 @Albert Dead on. @Blackpassenger you mean as opposed to the jailbird uneducated drug dealers who are getting all the idiot, and usually obscenely overweight, western women, right? I always find it interesting that the people from the outside looking in assume that men who date asian, specifically Japanese, women cant get a date back home. Through high school and some of my college I saw my fair share of ass, but all the issues discussed here are the same experiences I had. Ive not bought my wife a birthday gift in 2 years. She doesnt care because she doesnt measure love by the gifts she gets. She has a very comfortable lifestyle and has everything she needs. In return, I get lots of time to myself when I want it, no questions when I want to go out with friends, and a hot meal when I come home from work. Those 3 things alone trump nearly every western woman I KNOW, much less dated. You people like blackpassenger can keep the bloated princess-sydromed femenist man-women in the western world. Ill keep my lovely, feminine, asian woman. Reply blackpassenger January 26, 2012 @whatever888: dude, just an fyi: l live in japan, been here since april 18th 2001. my wife is japanese. i dont do western women, i am a rice king. but i can tell you, as opposed to you, i don’t need a hot meal from a woman. Im jamaican, i can make that hot meal myself. unlike you, i need a wife with a brain. thats why i had to make sure my japanese wife is educated and travel extensively. you guys sound like you’ve all been burned by women in the west. you all sound like you have mother issues or something. get over it already! Reply lotusflower January 26, 2012 I don’t understand why there aren’t any more comments on what I’m about to say right now. I’m a black female, to kick it off. And labeling all western women as slutty, dumb, rude, and gold-digging is as unfair as labeling all western men with Asian women as desperate assholes who can’t get laid. It’s not only unfair, but hypocritical. If you can say these things about us without even meeting all western women, then don’t complain when some women take offense and return the favor. Us bigoted, ugly and rude western women can’t be that bad if so many are married to guys who appreciate them. If you like Asians, fine. That’s your cup of tea, go for it. And in turn, I’m not going to bash the crap out of you guys for saying such horrible things about people who you’ve never even met. Do you know why? Because that would make me no better than you all are being right now. Please develop some maturity and handle your prejudices against western women by moving to Asia and minding your own business, alright? Reply whatever888 January 26, 2012 @Blackpassenger who said I NEEDED anything? The only thing I NEED from a woman is sex. I stay with my asian woman because I enjoy being with her and she WANTS to do those things because she returns the love I show her. Very few western women do this. Mother issues? Youre gonna have to explain this, I dont see any connection between wanting a feminine woman and mother issues. If I had mother issues, I wouldnt be here in Japan. (Longer than you I might add, since you decided to bring that up) @lotusflower Heres an easy way to understand it: Imagine there are 2 ponds. You spend all day fishing in pond A, and you pull out nothing but shitty fish like bluegill, carp, and other fish most people wouldnt waste their time eating. But, you see some people coming from pond B going home with delicious looking bass, salmon, and trout. (Nevermind the logistics, its a point) The next day you go to pond B and you pull in nothing but fish that taste great and kept you busy all day. Sure, there might be some good fish in pond A, and there might be some lousy fish in pond B, but given that scenario WHY THE HELL would you EVER fish in pond A again? Reply PW January 28, 2012 Ive read all these comments and can’t actually find 1 that nails it on the head. 1. Asian men are, in general, less masculine than western men 2. With a choice, girls like more masculine men 3. Western men usually aren’t as shy as Japanese men This is the only correct answer and is the same Asia over. Reply Debbe January 28, 2012 Well written article. I am a petite and short female that lived in Japan for three years in my early 20′s back in the early 90′s. I was at my cutest ever, and did have two boyfriends during my stay (at different times) however, they always wanted to go back to their own women. I mean, I could not blame them, Japanese girls are cute, skinny and petite and although I was also, I had a tall nose, big blue eyes, blonde hair. I think they just love their women that much. Many that liked me just wanted to “see how it is with a white girl” but none of them wanted the forever thing. It is sad for me in particular because I have a son who is half Japanese. His father left me when I was pregnant. I was not worthy of him working his butt off for me because I was just a white girl from America. I still like Japanese men but probably will not ever date one again, besides, I am in my 40′s now and most Japanese men my age want girls in their 20′s. I would have to date a 70 year to be worthy. Sad they are how they are, and I always felt as you did about the white guys, thinking, how did they score THAT PRETTY GIRL? But as you said, they have more to offer, the attention, the respect, the conversations, things a Japanese man would not include them in. Live and learn. Reply Osmo345 January 30, 2012 I am a Japanese-American and have been to Japan about a dozen times. I am currently living in Fukuoka. I totally understand your feelings. Being an American, I am often frustrated with the “unwritten rules” of Japanese inter-sex culture, especially when it comes to foreigners. In Japan, I foreigners have been treated poorly for decades. I can remember bringing my friends (who differ in race and creeds) to Japan, only to find to be stared at awkwardly. I believe that Japanese people still suffer from overly aggressive stereotypes of Americans and foreigners. Usually, the only foreigners Japanese people encounter will be on the silver screen or on their TV sets at home. Also, hitting on women in Japan is considered a extremely bold move and it is usually frowned upon. In Japan even touching a woman is a pretty big deal. Kissing and holding hands in public is a taboo. This country is very prude. I got yelled at for asking a woman out by a total stranger. It is part of their culture, unfortunately. However, I do understand your feelings. I went through the same issues in America (sort of) and in Japan. Growing up I was a typical All-American kid. I grew up in the suburbs, went to a private high school, played American football, basketball and baseball, etc. However, no matter how many female friends I had, I only had a handful of girlfriends. Why is that? Because I am considered an outsider in my own country. Look up any dating statistic in the US and the least desirable partner is an Asian male. Similarly, in Japan, I physically look Japanese, but I am culturally American. I have no idea on how to initiate contact with Japanese women, because I begin talking with them like I would back home. In conclusion, Japanese people are prude and do not know how to initiate conversation, especially with foreign people. They are more than likely intimidated. I am sure it will all work out. Just try and learn the cultural nuances and it will get better. I will let you know if I learn any good tips. Reply Me February 3, 2012 I don’t understand these type of articles. I’m an American woman living in Japan (permanently). First prefecture I lived in was Tokyo, then I moved to Chiba with my [then] fiance, and now I live in Ibaraki with my [now] Japanese husband. In all three prefectures I had men piratically throwing themselves at me. My husband complains that he gets worried when I go out alone because someone “might kidnap me.” The problem is many foreign women here don’t understand the fashion and sense of beauty in Japan. When you come here, you really need to amp it up, which is simple since Japan has a lot of great fashion, make up products and items to help all type of women out. For women who are a bit larger coming to Japan, its really easy to lose the weight here with plenty of walking, bike riding, and healthy food choices, all of which actually taste good (well, usually). As for the guys coming to this article AIMED AT WOMEN; most of you raging at this girl and playing “keyboard-warrior” with her are probably being overly sensitive because it more than likely apllies to you. The ones bit*ching the hardest were probably geeky no-attention-getting cherry boys throughout their time spent in their native country. Nothing wrong with geeks, or geeks getting some in Japan, but from what I hear and read, the foreign men here let it go to their head and speak down about foreign women, which sounds like a Wapanese loser, who, instead of being humble and gracious toward the fact that he’s finally getting some “loving,” he, instead becomes arrogant and racist toward his own people (specific: the women). Strangly enough, these type of men (the arrogant, racist ones) forget that their non-Japanese mother birthed his enormous head out of her much smaller… “parts”… for God knows how long. Ironic! Women, step it up, and Japan can be like freakin’ Disney land for you too. Reply Robert Hennecke February 4, 2012 Women in general have it sweet comapared to men employment wise however. Six out of the eight million who lost their jobs in the recent NA recession were men. Reply Native American-Asian February 7, 2012 Reannon Muth and commenters, Today a close Japanese male friend that lives in Ota-ku, Tokyo, Japan inboxed me this question, “Asian men; particularly Japanese men, hear that they are not popular among American women. Why is this?” I honestly didn’t know how to reply at 1st so before offering my reply, I decided to do a little reserch and that is how I came across this blog. Thank you for posting it. I was saddened to hear that you were told , â€œTokyoâ€™s a tough city to be single â€¦ If youâ€™re, you know â€¦ a western woman.” But then I read on as you described the guys as; “aging, stringy-haired members of the band Metallica”, “pale, rail-thin, greasy-haired white boy” and “underemployed, socially-awkward, samurai-sword-collecting neighbor, Kevin” and I must say that this was definitely stereotyping that understandably offended a many of the male readers that replied. Before I completely respond, let me tell a little about me. I’m a 36 yr old Native American (Shoshone Mother) and Asian (Malaysian Father) born to military parents in Asia but raised in the U.S. I was in foster homes and adopted a few times before losing family in my early teens. This lead to me being on my own since I was 13 yrs. old. I’ve traveled to many places (including Asia) as a teen and in doing so I’ve seen a lot and learned a lot about different cultures. I now speak; French, Spanish, Korean and some Japanese. After much hard work, I’m a business owner. I was married for 15 years (Caucasian) and I have 3 wonderful children that also speak Korean, Japanese and English (homeschooled). I’ve taken the time to read several comments on this post. I cannot begin to describe how offended and saddening it was as the daughter of a Native American woman, as a sister and a mother of 2 American daughters. We are not the women that many of these men are describing. I’ve spent my whole life stuggling just to live. I’ve come from nothing to be able to walk with my head held high. Am I a woman that is spoiled? No. For 15 years I was in a relationship were as; I was neglected, abusively spoken down to, shoved into walls while I was pregnant just because he was having a bad day and taken for granted by my spouse because there was nobody around from my family to challenge him. He wasn’t the High School bad boy; in fact, he was one of the smart and quiet ones that started out really nice. Care to know what he thinks of American White Women? He disliked them because they always passed him over for the “black guys”. Sadly, I became the “punching bag” for all his frustrations. Was it because I was fat and ugly? I don’t think so. I’m 130lbs., 5’7″ and I have never smelled like yeast a day of my life. I love my showers, baths and perfumes. I may not be a “Beauty Queen or Princess” (http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/419077_222762997815324_100002448767541_441614_1964929091_n.jpg) but if that’s what they are calling women that wish to be treated with an ounce of respect, possesses a certain amount of self-confidence and isn’t afraid to approach people for friendship in a strange distant land then call me, “Your Majesty” or better yet…Combat General. I enjoy being a loner and can have a blast no matter where I am but it never works out that way. I seem to attract friends everwhere I go. A lot of my friends are Asian Men (Chinese, Japanese & Korean). I don’t go out of my way to meet them, I’m myself. I’m bold, honest and possess a “I could care less” attitude. We all only have one life to live and I wasted 15 years trying to “Please” a man that didn’t deserve it. Best believe should I date or marry again, it will be to a man that does deserve it. He will be a man that respects who I am without judging the color of my skin or stereotying me along side every other woman that’s done him wrong. I could easily say that in light of all that my “White Husband” put me through, that ALL men are one and the same but this only cuts down all the ones that aren’t. I’ll be returning to Asia this Fall (Seoul, South Korea and Japan). I hope that the guys and the ladies here will live their lives with every bit of happiness they can find. My advice to those planning a trip to Asia for the 1st time, visit some of the Asian social sites and make friends before you go there. By establishing your social network ahead of time, you could have a much more enjoyable experience. I know of at least one that is especially for Asian people wanting to befriend, date and even marry outside their race. Reply Native American-Asian February 7, 2012 …oh and the reason that I couldn’t answer the question and had to do research is because I’m open-minded about everything in my life. To me, Asian men are no different than any other man is capable of being. Our relationships are what we make of them. I can’t easily say what reasons others have for decisions they make. I can’t say why a whole race of people are more or less in the eyes of others, I can only answer for myself. For the record, I’ve had a few issues myself with white women but I would never judge the whole race of women as evil monsters because I’ve also know a few that were worth knowing. Reply Mal February 8, 2012 I had a different experience living in Japan. In my time there I was 23-24, and I am a white woman. I was frequently given both wanted and unwanted attention, and I never quite understood the complaints that Japanese men were distant to Western women. Men were curious about me and frequently invited me out. I was given gifts frequently, including three dozen long-stemmed red roses from one older gentleman. Men would take the time to sit down with me and help me with my kanji studies. One man gave me free karate lessons for a year. As for the unwanted attention–well, I was groped a few times, both under and over my clothes, by persistent perverts. And I received almost daily comments on my looks and build. I am tall (5’9″) and have a slender-waisted figure with full hips and bust. Very different from the average Japanese lady, obviously! It was distressing to have so much focus on my body, yet it wasn’t so different from the attention I receive in the U.S. I was told I was beautiful quite often–I have very fair skin, blue eyes, and dark hair with delicate features and full lips. To be honest, the Western women who were not able to attract Japanese men tended to behave in a harsh or aggressive manner and/or tended to dress sloppily. I was raised to dress in feminine, tailored clothes, to groom myself carefully, and to wear cosmetics to emphasize my natural assets. The women who were complaining about being lonely often wore overly casual clothing such as baggy crew-neck t-shirts and generally didn’t care much for their appearance. Is it fair that men still primarily respond to a woman’s looks? No, of course not. And I’m sure it was irritating to see slovenly overweight Western male doofuses easily pick up women far out of their league, but Japanese women often desire relationships without all the baggage that comes along with a traditional one. If they marry a Western man, they won’t be their mother-in-law’s slave for the next 40 years. Reply Toshiya Fukuma February 11, 2012 This gives me a new insight. There are several reasons, I guess, for fewer couples of western women/Japanese men than the other. - Japanese men are short on average – not many prospects for western women - Fewer western women than western men - Western women prefer western men Above all, the biggest reason, I believe, is a communication. In English, Japanese men cannot converse well and moreover cannot amuse and entertain western women! If Japanese women don’t speak English well, foreign guys regard them as Kawaii! This doesn’t apply to Japanese men. What do you think? Reply Me February 12, 2012 I think it could work if both couples make an effort to learn each others language. All of my Japanese boyfriends I had in the past, and my [now] husband could all speak English. Many of my [male] Japanese friends who could speak English also date non-Japanese women. My one Swedish female friend can speak Japanese. and she married a Japanese guy who knows only his native language. gugu I think you’re right about the language, but as for the height; height has nothing to do with it since we come to Japan knowing most Japanese men will be around our height, and in some cases, maybe a little shorter. I also think women who come to Asia single are probably open to dating Asian men, and in many cases prefer them. Asian men have a stereotype of being more well-educated, and therefore go further with their careers, in this they end up making more money, and therefore can take better care of their family instead of living paycheck-to-paycheck. They’re also stereotyped as being more family orientated, divorce rate is lower, the man doesn’t expect the woman to work and earn as much as him or risk being considered “lazy” or “worthless” like many women would be considered in Western society if she dare chose a route that was more traditional and less modern. Then there’s the more shallow look at Asian men, which is the same garbage Western men spout about Western women and how much better Asian women are in this regard, so here goes: physically, Asian men stay lean longer, look young longer, live longer, their minds stay sharp longer, usually dress better, their faces look better, they make an effort to do their hair, I’ve also read that Asian men stay potent for many more years, and also make better lovers. So this is what I think in regards to the previous comment ;) I hope to see many more non-Japanese women find a Japanese man when they come here, otherwise they’re really missing out ;) Reply Me February 12, 2012 By the way “gugu” is a typo … :( Reply Toshiya Fukuma February 13, 2012 Thansk for your comments. I sometimes offer matchmaking to my friends in their thirties. One thing I notice, maybe in Tokyo, is that Japanese single women consider foreign guys to be partners even if they don’t speak Engish much. They say, ‘no preferece, whether foreign or Japanese , I am ok. It comes down to a person,’ while Japanese guys say, ‘I cannot speak Engish enough to date with foreigners.’ Japanese girls are global! Reply Seoul Survivor February 15, 2012 I have just read the “article.” The best advice I can give the author is to communicate via printed whitecards in Japanese. That way, when you don’t open you mouth with, “I’m so hotttt!” or “Oh my gawddd,” or “I’m educated!” or “Men are threatened by my empowerment..” you might stand a better chance. The reason I avoid white women like the plague here in Korea is because, well, I am afraid that I will be eaten by one! They are gastropods! True story… I saw three roomy white women cry in anguish at the closure of dunkin donuts. Get some dignity, put down the diet coke and actually take a break from your travelling lecture series and actually listen to man. The author is nasty and bitter. Thats why you dont get a date sweetheart. No go away… The end. Reply cranegirl February 15, 2012 I agree with everyone!! and i agree also with Japanese girls getting hooked up with geeky japanese or americans, and they can be to much in themselves. I had a american white geek who worked with me in a job here in the united states, it turns out he was teaching english in Tokyo, and he married a japanese girl(she cant speak english) but this guy was such a ass, he tought he was better then anyone there and he even looked wrong at everyone!! Reply Seoul survivor February 15, 2012 I avoid American women like the plague because I am afraid they might eat me! Nom nom Im so hottt nom nom Oh my gawddd nom nom whateverrrrr nom nom slurp I can help all the American women out there. Put down the Diet Coke and cancel the worldwide lecture series… No one cares about anything you have to say. Reply Seoul survivor February 15, 2012 You American women love to talk about your feelings… Ohhh will you ever stop talking???????? This is why no one respects you!!! Stop talking…… Stop talking…. Stop talking… Reply Limey February 15, 2012 @Seouls’-greatest-douche bag-survivor Let me guess, you’re some pimple-faced, pale-skinned, rotten-toothed Limey, am I right?! Just a little FYI, your people are now voted the third fattest in the world, and are becoming the stupidest after the Americans you talk down about. Time for your people to put down the tea and crumpets and start hitting the books and the treadmill, otherwise you won’t be able to use the only two insults you have towards the American people anymore. What a shame it would be if the world could no longer read the bitter remarks of a once great country now living in the shadow of the youngest and most successful country on the face of the planet. Boo-fucking-hoo. And by the way “Seoul Survivor,” you sound like a Koreanphile, so here’s a good definition for someone like you: Koreaphile A Koreaphile is a fag that thinks that he/she is Korean because he/she can say “Kimchi” “Saranghe” and “Jjang!”. Its really just another Japanophile but with Korea. Koreaphiles begin evolving when K-Pop was introduced into the Global Music Industry after as early as 2005. Koreaphiles are also annoyed retards that dresses like a Korean, listen to a load of K-Pop, annoy Korean Companies by auditioning even though they aren’t Asian and they know it, learn Korean so they can “understand” the songs, would like to move to Korea so they can find a hot girl/guy randomly right off the street, and believe Korea is better than Japan and China. Reply Limey February 15, 2012 Koreaphile Continued: Lots of Koreaphiles were once Japanophiles or haters of China. Sometimes Koreaphiles aren’t ONLY white or black people; they can be over obsessed Asians who aren’t Korean (such as Phillipinos, Indians, Thais, Vietnamese people, etc.). Reply Kyasarin February 15, 2012 Seoul Survivor–Trust me, it is a dear happiness to Western women that you find them unattractive. I lived in Japan for a few years myself and never had one date. But then, I was in my mid-thirties, and I get the feeling most Japanese men feel a woman past her early twenties has dried up and flaked off. I didn’t mind so much, though, as I was there to have an adventure of my own and not to find a man. However, a fellow Western female friend not only dated Japanese men, she got married to one and is about to give birth to her first child any day now. She’s also model-gorgeous and outgoing, which might have something to do with it. I did find that traveling alone in Japan as a Western woman has some unexpected benefits. People were very helpful and friendly, even if they didn’t speak English and my Japanese was bad. I never worried about my safety. Some of my Western male friends reported getting stopped and questioned by police. I think it’s because the Japanese generally see Western women as being basically unthreatening. Whatever the reason, I had a great time. I miss Japan and hope to go back one day. Reply E February 15, 2012 I’m a 5’10″ skinny blonde chick, spent 3 years in Japan. 2 of them with a partner. Got way more interest when I was partnered. I think there was this idea that the white chick is OK to party with, but there’s no way you’d take her home to chi-chi and ha-ha. I sent ‘em all packin’ because I’m not interested in a fumble with a j-boy when I’m partnered. No sir. But yeah, that first year, pretty much two offers, neither of them appealing, completely open for business but no customers. So either you cave in and cry yourself to sleep over it, or you get on with it and focus your attention elsewhere. The gender stereotypes that exist about “Japanese” and “Western” people were pretty strong from the conversations I had with my gaijin and Japanese friends – from both sides! And wrong, mind you, as all stereotypes tend to be: J-girls are cute, codependent, quiet and submissive, happy to iron your shirt while you go off and slave away your 12 hour work day at the office. White chicks are bossy, independent, loud, promiscuous, and demanding. Japanese men are shy, they are slaves at work and rubbish at home, they are never romantic, and they don’t clean up after themselves. Western men are sensitive and romantic, they are handy around the house, and you can have cute ‘half’ babies with them (puke puke puke). A lot of these stereotypes are continued in the media, and people believe them. But they’re bullshit. You just have to be able to figure it out for yourself. My recommendation is that you should listen to crust punk and seek out open minded individuals. They exist. But you probably won’t find them in Gas Panic Roppongi on a Saturday night. Reply Seoul survivor February 16, 2012 Limey – I am not english ha ha guess again racist, certainly not a Koreaphile I absolutely agree with your view on apologists and ergo hipsters. However it still makes my day that you are so upset… Ha ha ha Put the diet coke down…. Kyasaran – You also fell for the bait.. Ha ha ha You have both proven how stupid you can be…. He he he he Rolled… Reply Limey Hates Koreanphiles February 16, 2012 @Seoul-sword-sucker OH! A keyboard warrior! This picture is for you http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme.png Reply LOL February 16, 2012 L-O-L at survivor I find it ironically funny that a racist is calling others racist. Are your parents related? Daddy is also Uncle Billy-Bob, amiright?! Reply Whatever888 February 17, 2012 @E You are clearly an idiot. Stereotypes exist because said stereotype usually fits the bill for said people. My Japanese wife fits what you described almost perfectly. Co-dependent, happy to iron a shirt, etc. The western women I dated until I was 23 were just as you said, bossy, bitchy, etc. You say to seek out open minded individuals, yet you puke at the thought of half babies. You are proving what all of us have been saying here… thank you. Reply Me February 17, 2012 Actually Whatever888, you’re wrong. I’m a white western woman, and have no problem doing the house work for my Japanese husband as long as he does his “gender role” and be the bread winner in the house, which is usually not the case with WESTERN men who want you to submit to their every whim and then have their wife work 40+ hours a week, otherwise the wife is at risk of being called “lazy” or “worthless” by their husband. Also, If you were attracting “bossy, bitchy” women, then it was probably your rotten attitude that was attracting them. But really, if you want to play into stereotypes, say for example, comparing white men to Asian men, then I’d like to point out the stereotype that white men are considered to be less educated, underemployed due to said education, less responsible, have bad attitudes, are more likely to be involved in drug use, and are considered much less family orientated just to name a few non-superficial big ones. Not very nice to stereotype the women of YOUR race since the same nasty things can be said about the men. Anyhow, as the other girl stated, these are all stereotypes. Instead of blaming your failure to find a decent white girl on all white women, instead look into yourself and ask what YOU did wrong, and why YOU were attracting these type of women. One last thing, the reason why Japanese women are the way they are is because they had decent parents teaching them self respect and to also respect OTHERS, very much unlike the venomous shit-slinging I see western men doing here. Could it be that some of these men commenting and blaming their failed relationships on western women will end up creating daughters who are just as “bitchy” and just as “bossy” as the women they speak against simply because these men can’t change their negative, no-responsibility-taking attitudes!? Maybe these “bitchy” western women these men speak of had fathers like all of the men commenting on this post. Reply Whatever888 February 17, 2012 Actually you are absolutely right. I will take your advise and illustrate what I did wrong: 1) I thought you actually had known stereotypes you were working with. Ive actually never heard any of the stereotypes of white men you list, other than wanting their woman to be flexible. After working in a bank for a LONG time, I can safely say that nearly every customer was Man = money maker woman = money spender/complainer. Now that Im in IT, I see a massively disproportionate number of white men to any women in a global company with many vendors. Hmmm… I guess it must be just me and my perceptions. 2) Im not offended by stereotypes. to be honest, despite not having heard them, I agree with yours. This is yet ANOTHER reason I left the states. Idiots (in general), tubs of lard, and no responsibility = fail. Ive got a college education and a good job, and my wife is exactly what I want her to be, so im not exactly sure where I failed… BUT on to 3) The thing I did wrong in the states with women was be nice. I was the friend. I was the buddy. The person they loved so much but never wanted to sleep with. Then I caught on, was an asshole, and got more ass than a toilet seat. I wasnt happy. Over here I can be nice, and not have to constantly worry about my manhood being challenged by stupid women who want to fistfight with a man because she knows the law will allow her to do it with no consequence unless it is videotaped that she acted first, and then your still fighting an uphill battle. My attitude towards women in the was WAS at one time very good. You can claim to be the exception all you want, but my experience (and im sure many others, ever hear of Tom Lykis?) and many others with the MAJORITY of western women soured us. You did it to yourselves. In Japan I can be nice, educated, do whatever I want in my free time, and not spend 5 hours at the gym to prove my masculinity. Now I have a hot wife who I bang regularly even with kids and living the life every man wants, even if they are too Feminist brainwashed to admit it. Reply Me February 18, 2012 First I’d like to point out that it’s not solely the fault of “western women,” it’s the fault of society in general. A mother doesn’t raise a daughter on their own, a mother and father do, and therefore it’s the fault of both men and women as a whole. I’d like to also point out that there’s a lot at fault with western men as well, not just western women as you’re making it seem. I think we can both agree that a lot of what’s going on in the west; a spoiled attitude being fed by media/shows that supports whorish, indulgent, narcissistic pieces of shit like Paris Hilton, the people on Jersey Shore, the Kardasians (spelling?) and that’s just to name a few. Then there’s cartoons and commercials that pander to immorality, adultery, placing beauty and wealth before anything else. This has helped make western society the garbage it is today, for both western men and women. To mirror your point of happiness; I can finally live the life I want here in Japan, with my hot husband who, in his late 30′s looks like he’s (and is mistaken for) about 25-28 years old without an ounce of fat or a wrinkle to be found. I can finally take it easy and work a part time job and take care of the home or any kids we may have in the future without being shamed into working 40+ hours a week or else risk being called “lazy” if I don’t, and “worthless” if I want to be more traditional like my grandmother and less like a she-man like the women have been forced to become in the west (Note: what I mean is, after WWII a large group of “liberated women” started working, then by the 60′s and 70′s, the women who didn’t want to “wear pants” had to due to social pressures and the economy changing). Outside of my part-time job, I’m glad the only thing I have to worry about is what meal to make, and if it’s going to rain once I hang my clothes out to dry. I’m glad I have a husband who wants to know more about me day after day, makes an effort to try and help with some chores on days I do work (without asking him), and tries with every effort to make me happy if it’s humanly possible simply because he loves me. I’ve dated western guys who were deemed “geeks” by society, I dated them because they seemed more humble and better suited for a stable relationship than jock assholes or Mr.Perfect-on-the-outside, guys who think the same as some of the men commenting in this section, guys who look down on women for dating assholes; I dated them, the geeks, the “nice guys,” but guess what, they were the same type of asshole as the people they spoke against, only more bitter, more pretentious, more condescending because of their experiences with women and society. As for everything I’ve written so far, I’m not trying to brag, but I just want some of the men here to see that there are married/coupled Western women in Japan who feel the same as some of Western men residing here. -My first point is, everyone has flaws, not a specific gender, or “type” of person, especially when your raised in a slowly degrading society. -My second point is, western women can have the same experience here as Western men, they just need to take the liberal stick out of their ass, and (sorry ladies but…) learn to dress it up a little, especially if you’re living in Tokyo which is one of the fashion capitals of the world. -My third point is, Western women can find the same type of “great, hot” and “better,” in a Japanese man as Western men find in Japanese women. OK, I made this post too long already. Reply whatever888 February 18, 2012 Me, Look at some statistics before you rant about ‘it takes two’ and ‘a child has 2 parents.’ More than 70% of divorces in the states are initiated by the woman. Why? Well, this is speculation, but media and stereotypes would inidicate it is because they know they can get away with it legally, with nearly no negatives TO THEMSELVES (note, the children suffer greatly) because they will get the house, the car, vaginamony, and child support, and then shes free to play around on the field again. In MANY of these cases, she will put negative images of the father in the childrens heads, and sometimes flat out refuse to let them see him. This is ONLY the divorce cases. There are MANY MANY MANY women who think they can do it all alone, they need no man, and they either lie about birth control to get pregnant, or flat out leave with the kid once they have it. While it would take a great crime by my wife to make me want to seperate, I dont think I would for the sake of my son, as I love him could not let him be without a positive male role model. Why you ask? Well if my reasons above werent sufficient, my sister is one of the people I described and ive seen how her kids turned out. Know what else I saw? Around 5 of her friends from school she hung out with all got pregnant around 16. Those were just her friends, not including others from the school. Why do they do this? Well because the government will take care of them even if the man doesnt. Where is this all going? Well, as girls grow up in the western world they are shown disney movies with princesses and told they are special and every bit of media shows it is okay for her to act any way she wants towards men, but men should suck it up if she does the same. Then the legal system backs it up, by always giving favor to women who turn on the tears. In a nutshell this has created irresponsible, stupid, selfish, whorish, useless women that no one should be forced to be in the same room as. And, in response, a lot of men have seen this. This is why chivalry is dead. This is why men have also become less responsible, etc. Look back 50 years. Divorce was a disgrace. Men who didnt work and make a family were a family embarassment. What changed? Feminism for one, and all the reasons I listed above are enough for me, and many men, to not touch western women. THIS IS FACTUAL. This is no opinionated. Go read some facts, then come back. I have no doubt as western influence reaches Japan that some day either 1) Japan will realize what a ridiculous thing the feminist movement is and reject it, or 2) Japanese women will be spoiled into the next gen Paris hiltons. I sincerely hope it will be 1, but my experience tells me its just a matter of time. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys. Reply whatever888 February 18, 2012 Furthermore, I already conceeded there are exceptions. If you are one of the few, great. But if that is the case you are by far in the minority. While im happy for you that you found who you did, while you were dating the geeks I doubt that you gave them a fair shake or really tried to understand them. Im a self admitted geek, insofar as I value intelligence more than ‘me go gym now’ type, but I dont look it. Even with my bitterness towards early life women, I gave every bit of attention to the ladies I dated before realizing they didnt want nice guys. If they were bitter, you seem to understand why, so that shouldnt have bothered you. Most geeks are logical people, so if you did have problems with them being ‘assholes’ im guessing you didnt tell them what was wrong. And by asshole, I assume you mean being verbally/physically abusive, or something else like pissing in the potato salad at the family picnic. Most women in the western world I talk to refer to ‘being an asshole’ as they went to their friends house to play games on a saturday night instead of taking you to the club, despite inviting you along. (aka you just dont want to do what he wants to do) Just making sure thats the case, because if you are calling them assholes for trivial shit like not feeding your inner attention whore, thats YOUR problem not theirs. Lastly, youre right, everyone has flaws. My wife dyes her hair and I hate it. My wife cant cook western food worth a damn. My wife refuses to learn english despite all my family wants to talk to her. My wife has issues with her dad. So the f*$& what? These issues are a drop in the bucket compared to ‘Ive had a bankruptcy’ or ‘ive got 2 kids and am single’ or ‘I didnt go to college and am receiving disability because ive got some bullshit im claiming’ or the classic ‘I dont need a man, I got this’ 350 lbs hippos who want to get in a physical fight with men. (Mcdonalds beatdown video on youtube, thank god for cell phone cameras, I praised this man for standing up to the system) Reply Me February 18, 2012 Whoa, don’t make assumptions about me. As for what I consider to be an “asshole.” OK, let me try to make this quick. I dated this one guy who was a scientist in the military, we were both geeks, we played video games, and watched the typical nerd stuff with him, the likes of which you would find on CN late at night 7 years ago. We had a lot in common and felt we were more than one-dimensional, unlike so many no-brainers who asserted themselves above us simply because we were “different.” I was always verbal about what was bothering me, and I was as honest with him as I’m being with you. So yeah, I told him what bothered me. What was my thanks for opening up to this bitter, pretentious person? (which he was). Online, through Myspace (7 years ago), he found this lesbian chick who used to go to the same HS as him from a different year (she was 4 or 5 years younger than him). He discovers his personality is similar to hers through yahoo chatting, finds me not so independent (I lived with him), too needy for love and affection (no, NOT attention-whoring as you say!), and leaves me in hopes of “straightening” this lesbian… who ends up staying gay in the end anyway, are you kidding me!? I know what you might be thinking, and no, she was very girl-next-door, a normal looking girl, Scott wasn’t about the outer appearance anyway. So this wasn’t purely lust driven. Anyhow, that’s just one example. But it doesn’t matter anyway, I shouldn’t waste my time writing, it seems like you’re so bent on assuming all western women are the same, and we’re all evil. Again, I just want to let you know, it goes the other way around as well. It also sounds like you grew up in a seedy town. I myself know some people like you say, but they’re in the minority, and I’ve lived in many states back home. As for looking up facts from 50 years ago. I already know; I grew up with grandparents, or rather, raised by them. I’ve heard the stories, been told what not to become, was raised with values and morals, which is probably why I’m more “traditional” than some women, thanks to my grandparents. Anyhow, I don’t think you sound like a bad person, just hurt, and given a bad impression. I just want you to know, more than likely the western women you see here in Japan have probably gone through similar situations. I think a lot of us here are geeks and/or have geeky interests, as well as having been hurt by our own countrymen, thus making us a little more humble, and a little more appealing to the Japanese as a whole. But again, women have to polish that “shell,” a little more, which is something men in general don’t have to do. Also, it wasn’t a “rant,” since ranting usually connotes aggravation and aggression. Reply Me February 18, 2012 and yes, I agree with you about the feminist movement. The only thing they did right was letting women vote, and paying women a fair amount in work, and I mean for the ones who had no choice (widows, etc). Other than that, the feminist movement was a lie that has helped destroy a once great country. I also think about when it will reach Japan, and hope it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to be in the same type of atmosphere as I was in my native country. Reply Me February 18, 2012 Ah ha, for some reason, I got caught up in the rest of the comment and missed the “exceptions” part. Anyhow, keep upbeat about the western women in Japan anyway, at least friendwise, since as I said, they’re more than likely seeking the same as you. Something more stable, more old fashioned. The females I met in Japan (the ones that stayed here for years, single or not) are usually the same type of geek-meek, and also seeking better pastures as the rest of us here. NOT all, but most I’ve met here so far. Reply Anonymous February 24, 2012 Great article. I can say based on conversations with my Japanese friends here, that Japanese guys who are interested in English are often _very_ interested in foreign women, but regard them as unattainable. They have low self-confidence in approaching Western women. However, in the past three days on the street in Tokyo I have seen at least one Asian male/Caucasian female couple per day. Most Western foreigners here are frankly losers who are just looking for easy sex. Once you eliminate them, the majority of the remainder only consider dating Japanese girls because they are obsessed with Japan. Only speaking for myself, as a single Westerner inside the sometimes alienating Japanese system, having a non-Japanese girlfriend would be great. Most of the girls I knew in the U.S. who were interested in Japan were unattractive and lazy. However, the Western girls I see on the streets of Tokyo are smoking hot and look very intelligent and witty. I am sure there are tons of men who wish they had the guts to ask out these women. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. I’m sorry the author of this article had such a tough time here. Japan is a tough place to be for non-Japanese, male or female. Reply K-kat98 March 7, 2012 I believe that this story is very true. Me, living in new Zealand find it very hard to find a Japanese boyfriend.I’m 14 and Indian, I am pretty good looking, never had a zit, but all the Asians hang out by themselves or with other Asians, and are only interested in Asian girls. They all feel very awkward around me, and I feel left out and excluded . btw lurrvvee your story, and really hope you find a nice, decent Japanese guy ^_^ Reply Dick Ho March 8, 2012 Welcome to the life of an asian guy in a western country. We are often under represented, stereotyped and made to feel invisible. Reply Phoebe March 12, 2012 Im sorry but I dont believe a a shit of all these bitter women…I am a western women myself..and I know for a fact..If your a attractive woman in japanese wheter that be white black indian or whatever you should be having no problems getting guys..Also how do you dress? what do you do with hair/make up I as a western woman from europe think that a lot of european girls are lazy 98% of them have a bun on their head with a dirty jeans and uggs…how attractive! :D I have heard both sides now western women going to japan getting crazy of all the attention from japanese men,and the ones that no one looks at..I really think its your looks andc your attitude..ands eriously western men whining women shouldnt be femenistic..I am a 18 year old female whos ”drea,” is to have a nice family and take care of my men and be a house wife what do I get from western society I ALWAYS GET LOOKED DOWN UPON cause I am a woman in the 21st century I should be dying to go to college and be stripper to pay my college money..I dont even date western men cause they dont nderstand these kind of ”ideal family housewife” anymore..Pretty much only asians(real asians from asia not western asians) or middle eastern guys understand this. so please stop whining about not getting attention from japanese men its not them its you..a attractive women doesnt have trouble getting guys no matter were she goes or what her ethnicity is. Reply Me March 14, 2012 Phoebe, This is exactly what I’ve been talking about! Any woman who dares to strive to be a housewife, or just a part time worker is looked down on by western men, and western society as a whole. Asian men seek out women who want to take care of the home, them, and any children who will be born to them. Also, myself and friends who actually dress up and care about our appearances get men here. I’m married now, and so are several of my western female friends (to Japanese men). Like I’ve been saying to the women on this board, you guys need to take it up a few notches if you want to find a man. Even Japanese mothers tell their daugthers to take care of their appearance so they can find their “future husband.” The truth is, people are shallow everywhere, yes, this includes Asia. Just because you’re non-asian, doesn’t mean you’re going to instantly attract a guy without caring for yourself. Don’t be discouraged. Anyone can find a man as long as they strive to be a good person who attends to the outer shell to a degree, Reply Len March 23, 2012 Wow. With your open hatred and contempt for Whites (“white boys”), and your entitled attitude you must be a real catch. It’s a mystery why you get no attention from men. Reply duckman March 24, 2012 ” Most days I felt unattractive, unwanted and worst of all, unfemale.” Most western men experience these exact same feelings on a daily basis in the States. Reply Kato March 29, 2012 Well, Reannon, I don’t want to insult you in any way, but judging from your picture, you are not exactly a stunner or, let me rephrase that, a woman that would attract a lot of looks from men in any country. As you have seen for yourself – there is an abundance of very beautiful Japanese women in Tokyo, so the reason you had a hard time finding someone was probably that you never had a real chance. You describe western men in Tokyo to be with Japanese women “out of their league”, which is revealing an embittered, cynical, and worst of all, shallow mindset you have about the way attraction works. I wouldn’t blame your inability to find a partner in Tokyo on cultural differences – more on the fact that it’s hard for a woman with average-at-best looks and a shitty personality to find someone, anywhere. Reply Stefan Breton April 11, 2012 Wow… Such anger and bitterness. Welcome to the world of the average guy in North America. Not surprised to see so many men tune out from western women. Reply Anon April 11, 2012 Wow, so many bitter and angry Western men who are posting about this. You must have struck a nerve or two! I think a new country can be a different experience for everyone, it just depends. I had white girl friends who had a hard time and I had other friends, myself included, who were fighting them off with a stick on a daily basis. How this distinction came about, I really could not tell you, because my friends who didn’t find dates were very nice, smart and pretty girls who found plenty of dates back home and two of them are now married to Asian Americans. I found an amazing Japanese man in Osaka and we’re living in the US. We’re getting married in June! :) Reply Dai April 18, 2012 Hahaha.. loved the blog but so much negative comments^^; Chill ppl… leave the girl alone she’s just writing what she felt (can’t believe this blog was from 2 yrs ago and still having new comments) Anyways, I think you are very pretty Reannon and I would date you anytime^^ …but I’m sure you will not date me. (See the dilemna here? lol) I think one of the reason is the image that we get from the movies, where when you look at an american woman in a wrong way (even in the very slightest way) you would get a “pervert!” shout and a slap in the face^^; So the more confident you are, the more intimidated we get. So sorry you had a bad time here.. hopefully next time you’d have a better time. :) Reply Dai April 19, 2012 <– Akabane expert (forgot to mention. lol) Reply Sarah April 19, 2012 Wow…how annoying. People persist on putting the black females at the bottom of the ladder….In your effort to generalize, you forget that a lot of these experiences are subjective. I am a world traveler…I never have an issue dating wherever I go. As a matter of fact, I oftentimes I have to discipline myself and to say no to dates. So puh-lease enough with the idiotic comments the generalize. Reply Kyle April 20, 2012 People might be looking at you the same way as you look at those “greasy haired” whatever dudes you mentioned above. That’s one thing from traveling I notice about American women. They are often say a “5-7″ at best on the 1-10 scale and act like they are complete knockouts. Sure confidence is sexy but it typically is arrogance, not confidence that you see. In addition to Western Women being overly masculine, which most of the world doesn’t particularly find attractive, they are often not even the most physically attractive despite your notion that you have a leg up on Japanese women. Sounds like a typical article written by an American, from an American point of view, that truly misses the reality or subtlety of the dynamic and situation. Reply Ryo April 21, 2012 Wow! So many negative comments indeed! I don’t know what the other people’s problem. I’m Japanese and I actually thought the article was pretty spot on. First thing, I think you’re totally gorgeous. I for one is pretty honored to have such a lady like yourself be even interested in us. Yes we are fascinate and at the same time intimitaded by western women, or beautiful women in general, so to speak. And there’s the fact that we automatically assume you’re not available, or even if you are, your interest only goes to the same foreign guys. Hence nobody asks you out in the clubs because we know you’re going to turn us down anyway or worse, you’re with someone, and the last thing we want to do is hit on a foreign lady with her foreign bf. (Yikes!) Maybe put on some shirt that says (æ—¥æœ¬äººå½¼æ°å‹Ÿé›†ä¸ – Nihonjin Kareshi Boshuchu – Japanese bf wanted!) Haha- I actually see some gaijin guys (charisma men?) wear those stuffs, pretty hilarious but I think it works! XD (Most people would probably find it funny/adorable.) I’m sure you’ll have a long long looong line of j-guys in front of you! Anyway, again, you’re gorgeous! Loved the post! Hope the negative comments doesn’t discourage you to write more! I for one is looking forward to reading from you again! Thank you! :) Reply Lea April 26, 2012 Hmm, I can understand what you’re saying, but I’ve been here for a while and haven’t had any trouble (other than the usual dating issues). Saying that I don’t look too exotic (dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin), so maybe not so… foreign?? And you do see men who, for whatever reason (wrong or not), wouldn’t normally be seen with a hot hot girl in their home countries with hot japanese girls. Not saying it’s not shallow and wrong to think that the girl is hotter than them, but you do see it. Let’s face it though, in a western man/japanese woman relationship it’s win win. Japanese woman gets exotic man who gives her more freedom than a Japanese man might allow and the western man gets a woman who is far more submissive and forgiving than a western woman would be. Reply Peter April 29, 2012 pale, rail-thin, greasy-haired white boy bearded and balding aging, stringy-haired members of the band Metallica peculiar quirks and bizarre comments dorky expat brothers men wouldnâ€™t have been able to score a date at home The article seems more interested in insulting non Japanese men in Japan than exploring why Japanese men are not interested in the author. Reply Maru April 30, 2012 Well then, I seem to be one of the few exeptions, here? I’m not sure, where you are now and whether you finally got your encounter with a Japanese guy or not. But I can just tell you, if you want to date one, you have to think like him. That’s a difficult one, I know! But, if you don’t start to think like a Japanese, you won’t be able to get a boyfriend there. So, it’s not only about being able to speak the language, but to be able to behave like them. You should not forget your foreign roots, of course. Because this difference they will like about you. But if you don’t adapt at least a little bit, you can scare them away. Be humble and nice and not too straight forward. Forget your self confidence for a moment. Think about, what a Japanese girl would do, when she’s interested in a guy and tries to get in touch with him. Taught to all of you by a girl, who has been together with her Japanese boyfriend for already 3,5 years and is still as happy as on their very first date. Reply nope April 30, 2012 Anyone who thinks that an Asian woman is more submissive than a non-Asian woman doesn’t know the first thing about Asian, or non-Asian, women. Sorry, folks, but you’re way off-base. Non-Asian women (and Asians who are raised outside of Asian countries) are so much calmer, more laid-back, give their men space and freedom, don’t try to control him all the time and keep all of his money, don’t try to change everything about him, etc. They’re so much nicer, it’s not even funny. More and more men are starting to wise up to this fact and once they all figure it out, shit is going to turn upside down. Reply chuckling@ignorance May 3, 2012 I’ve read through so many hateful comments on here in the last hour that it’s baffling. The racism, misogyny, sexism, classism, nationalism… it’s astounding. Cultures vary, sure, but a culture is not made up of clones of the exact same personality. There is no such thing as “all Japanese men” and “all Western Women”, etc. There are arseholes in every race, gender, culture, religion, and country, and there are wonderful, beautiful, caring people in all of those categories, as well. I will happily stick to finding my romantic partners by looking at their individual characteristics and to hell with race, country of origin, and colour. What’s important is what kind of integrity and character a person has, how they treat others, and how well their weirdnesses “click” with your own. Everything else is unsubstantial. It’s sad to me to learn that Asian men are the “least desirable men” in the US. I could have sworn that the least desirable men here surely were the ones who treat people like shit. But then… I care about character, not about race. Reply Whatever888 May 3, 2012 @Chuckling: your entire post sounded like some hippie love everything babble, but this line sealed the deal: “I could have sworn that the least desirable men here surely were the ones who treat people like shit.” This single statement clearly shows that you have no grasp of reality. The Least desirable men are the nice ones. If you dont know why, or dont understand this, go find a group of TRULY nice men, and then go find some total assholes in the same income category and ask how they do. The assholes, Im SURE will tell you they get more ass than a toilet seat, while the nice guys will tell you that they are the ones that the women they want come to and cry about their asshole boyfriend. Not going on about this as its not related to the topic. Reply chuckling@ignorance May 3, 2012 There’s nothing “hippy” about it. It’s logic that there are assholes in every category and genuinely good people in every category. Also, my group of friends are all TRULY nice guys and most of them are happily dating, engaged, or married to intelligent, above-average-looking women. The nice guy I’m dating I’ve been with for two years, and he’s always been wonderful to me. No need to go “crying about my asshole boyfriend”. Perhaps we’re looking at different demographics, because I’m fairly deeply submerged in the “geek/nerd culture”. My friends are scientists, professors, game creators, code monkeys, etc… and the ones who choose to stay single… they ~do~ “see more ass than a toilet seat”. Perhaps in high school, they were rejected by the “popular beauty queen” types, but now they’ve got their pick of the cute, sexy, educated ladies and not one of them is complaining about that. Reply Stefan Breton May 3, 2012 This paragraph is why this post gets so many reactions: “If youâ€™ve ever visited Asia, youâ€™ve likely seen the pale, rail-thin, greasy-haired white boy walking hand-in hand with a perfectly made-up, mini-skirt wearing Asian chick. This would never happen anywhere else in the world. Because everywhere else, Barbie ends up with Ken, not his underemployed, socially-awkward, samurai-sword-collecting neighbor, Kevin. But in Asia, dating rules defy all logic or evolutionary law. In Asia, the nerd is king.” So poor little western woman goes to Asia and hold and behold suddenly realises that no, the white western girl is not hotter and worst, she sees that what she considers to inferior men from her “dating hell for men of a country” are attractive for other things besides looks. Evolutionary law??? wtf! What about brains? Charisma? Sense of humour? Does anything else counts besides skin for this poor excuse of a woman? I have spent a lot of time in Asia for both leisure and business. And yes, Asian women are easier to deal with. They are not as shallow for one thing and are infinitely more spiritual. Reply Ejay May 3, 2012 Woah! Some of those samurai-sword collecting guys are my friends! I take offense for my bros. I’m a 40 year old Canadian woman. In the 12 years that I’ve lived in Japan, I’ve been treated like gold by my Japanese male colleagues, dated a few awesome Japanese and foreign guys. I’m very picky, and have taken a long time to find a community of people, Japanese and non-Japanese men and women, who respect me for my brains. And I’m often told that I’m beautiful and complimented on my dress sense. Sure, I made some missteps early on – not recognizing when a Japanese guy showed interest in me – but I have come to understand the culture gradually and read the signals better. Flirting with strangers in public? Ew. Women don’t do that here. People are much more private than that, and find connections through shared interests and shared friend networks. Japanese culture is based on ingroups and outgroups. You need to find a place where you’re in. You can meet people in groups, through shared hobbies, local events and hangouts, friends of friends. FYI, I’m in a relationshp. Reply Alex May 4, 2012 I read the article and a couple of the comments. Interesting to see that western woman suffered the same loneliness and rejection that I had to put up with in Europe. I suppose this is because I am one of the ‘geeks’ she talks about. A western man simply written off by women in my own country. Only when I visited asia did I actually realise there was actually alot of warmth to be found from women. I opposed to my pretty rubbish experience in England. For the record I probably a geek because I studied maths at Cambridge. Then my dating wasnt improved by the fact I ended up in the military as an officer. Though I should say being able to pass military training does require a man to be in reasonably good shape, and being an officer you have to hold your own in social situations. But alas I have just been completely shut out of the dating world in Europe in the same way she was in Japan. I will admit that its good to know that I woman has actually experienced the same as me. Reply CrossedTheLine May 7, 2012 Once you’ve been over that magic bridge to the East, you aint never goin back to those noisy fugly demanding frog-skinned over-analytical white gals! Nuff said… Reply Ironic May 7, 2012 Her comment: Once youâ€™ve been over that magic bridge to the East, you aint never goin back to those noisy fugly demanding frog-skinned over-analytical, LAZY, UNEDUCATED, white GUYS! Nuff saidâ€¦ http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/141/644/7nTnr.png Reply Whatever888 May 8, 2012 Hmmm, Clearly Ironic is one of those “career women” from the west. I can tell this because shes an idiot.You see, idiot, if you cross that magic bridge to the east, youd find all of us with bachelor degrees +, who are likely living a much more difficult life in japan than our home countries, seeking QUALITY females. So living in a foreign country, likely learning another language, with a college degree, and working sure sounds lazy and uneducated! The looks are up to you to decide if you like them or not, so no point going there. Lets take the reverse of this situation. Hot Japanese girl goes to america for 5 years. What happens? She is ruined by the disease called feminism, and further ruined by entitlement and the beasts called western womans influence. Only a small percentage will retain all of their desirable qualities and not pick up any of the unwanted ones. Try again, you Failed. Reply Ironic May 9, 2012 Gotta love how you assume I’m an idiot and right off the bat and insult me, that’s a pretty intelligent move right there. LOL! Oh, by the way, I live in Japan without a degree and therefore debt free; yet, I have a job in Education that pays me 4,000 yen per hour thanks to my hard work, skill, BRAINS, and spouse visa. So enjoy eating that crow-pie for dinner. Also, you sound like one of those typical self-hating-weeaboo-racists, good job with that :) When you get spat on, called out by Japanese as racist as you, or arrested by the Japanese for just being foreign, remember, it’s simply Karma hitting you in the ass :) My husband is a Japanese man, well educated, humble, kind, good looking, lean, youthful (in appearance), and not pushy whatsoever. I believe I have it better than a lot of you men here, especially since I have the freedom to quit my job anytime I want and become a house wife, which is perfectly normal in this country. So good luck supporting your wife when she becomes pregnant and can’t (won’t) work anymore with your mere 2k per month job, which is more than likely a low paying public school. Oh, and one more thing, You’re obviously the user ‘CrossedTheLine,’ glad my comment pissed you off enough to drag you out from under that rock. Reply Ironic May 9, 2012 And with your mere 2k per month job, in which you can’t possibly support her while she’s pregnant** Japanese women realize (as time goes on) that they should have married a Japanese man (or at least another Asian) since most of the white men here make crap for money in comparison to well educated, har working Japanese men. I’ve never been happier to be a woman in my life :D Reply No, I'm a real Feminist! May 9, 2012 Thi guy probably doesn’t have the brain cells to sit down a read everyday I’m going to submit to this comment, but here goes: When youâ€™re a feminist, you get used to misogynists trying to challenge the necessity of your politics. â€œFeminismâ€™s finished! Women are equal now and thereâ€™s no use for all the hairy arm-pitted rubbish! Quit your yapping! Embrace your curves!â€ But misogynist isnâ€™t a very fashionable kind of word â€“ I mean, no one saunters into a room proudly pronouncing, â€˜My nameâ€™s Don and Iâ€™m a misogynist!â€™, unless itâ€™s the latest Charter Meeting of Online Trolls Monthly, or Channel Nine. So because people know itâ€™s not really kosher to be a codified turd, they try and hide their misogynist views under the guise of legitimate arguments. Advertisement: Story continues below If youâ€™re not trained in the spotting of smug, self-satisfied misogynists, you might not know the general thrust of their shtick. Luckily for you, Iâ€™ve become somewhat of an expert in the field since they all started following me on Twitter. So to help novices and outsiders, Iâ€™ve taken the following five popular misogynist arguments and parsed them into some kind of legible (if not logical) format for your benefit. 1. If you want to see real oppression, go to the Middle East. The problems here are threefold. First, it implies women in the west should be grateful for the benevolence of their natural overlords. Who cares if 1 in 3 of you will experience sexual assault in your lifetime, while also enjoying the privilege of lower pay than your male counterparts and the symbolic annihilation of yourselves in literature and film? In case you didnâ€™t know, women in Afghanistan are being stoned to death. So why donâ€™t you just go ahead and submit your complaint to the STFU file known as my PENIS? Second is the accusatory tone. Now, Iâ€™m no statistician, but Iâ€™d estimate that 98.76% of people outraged over feminismâ€™s â€˜failureâ€™ to â€˜protectâ€™ their brown sisters from the oppression of their Muslim Male Masters (because letâ€™s not forget, this is about racism too) are doing exactly zero to agitate for womenâ€™s liberation anywhere, let alone in the Middle East. But even though they hate feminism and all who dwell therein, they still think they know how to do it better than you do. This is because misogynists see themselves as Upper Management â€“ which is precisely why we need to get more women into executive roles. Finally, liberation and change arenâ€™t beholden to hierarchies of need. Itâ€™s possible to seek the liberation of oppressed groups everywhere, at the same time! Asking comparatively privileged women (many of whom also live in the Middle East â€“ it is not a vacuum) to be satisfied with â€˜good enoughâ€™ just reinforces the patriarchal hierarchy of power that needs to be dismantled. Besides, I donâ€™t hear anyone accusing working families of selfishness for complaining about their rising electricity bills just because some slum dwellers in India donâ€™t even HAVE working Playstations. 2. How can women expect us to respect them when they wonâ€™t respect themselves? When Sheik Al-Hilali compared scantily clad women to uncovered meat, we were rightly outraged. In Australia, we yelled, we donâ€™t treat women like that! Except that we do. We use clothing and behaviour to provide excuses for sexist everyday, be they rapists or simply the kind of people who think a womanâ€™s right to be afforded a basic level of dignity is contingent upon how much of her skin sheâ€™s revealing. The fact that we criticize other cultures for it doesnâ€™t make us champions of women â€“ it makes us both sexist AND racist. Weâ€™re not protecting women â€“ weâ€™re protecting our property. Asking women to respect themselves in order to â€˜earnâ€™ the right to be treated like a human being is total horseshit. But suggesting that you have the right to treat her exactly as you please because she didnâ€™t adhere to your archaic views of feminine propriety is misogyny, plain and simple. 3. Stop criticizing domestic servitude! Some women are proud to look after their families. This oneâ€™s a misogynist favourite, especially notable for the fact itâ€™s the only time youâ€™ll find them advocating for womenâ€™s rights in the workplace. Specifically, a womanâ€™s right to iron her husbandâ€™s work shirts instead of her own. Misogynists who use this argument like to wax lyrical about things like choice, pride and sacrificial love. But what theyâ€™re really defending is their belief that women belong in the home, performing dull domestic tasks for the primary benefit of everyone other than themselves (and mainly their husband). Despite the fact that these dudes wouldnâ€™t devote even an tenth of their lives to it themselves, theyâ€™re invested in outwardly maintaining the nobility of unpaid domestic work â€“ because ascribing false honour to drudgery is how you reinforce invisible social power. The thing is, women can choose those things if they want to. Thereâ€™s nothing more tedious than the status quo trying to pit stay-at-homes against workforce broads. But the fact is, these people arenâ€™t advocating for or defending a range of choices. How do I know that? Because if they were, we wouldnâ€™t even be having this conversation. 4. Itâ€™s a science thing â€œLook, men and women are built differently. Itâ€™s biological. Men are more visual, women are more emotional. Thatâ€™s why more men are in executive roles. Itâ€™s about merit. If women were better, they wouldnâ€™t be so crap. I didnâ€™t make the rules.â€ So goes the argument. Basically, itâ€™s the kind of pop science spouted by the readers of such noted academic journals as NW Magazine and the Herald Sun. Whenever you hear someone say, â€˜women are just better at washing upâ€™ or â€˜men are just better at being the leader of the free worldâ€™, ask yourself this: would that sentence be as benign if we replaced gender with race? Would we stand by, nodding sagely as mainstream pundits discussed how white people are just better at empathy than black folk? I sure hope not. So why is it okay to say that women arenâ€™t as good at stuff â€˜because biologyâ€™? The biology argument is a Trojan horse that does nothing but sneak sexist propaganda into the castle. The only biological difference between a man and a woman is the difference of a Y chromosome â€“ and even then, thereâ€™s a bit of wiggle room. 5. Men are oppressed too, therefore women arenâ€™t! Or something. â€˜If feminists really cared about equality, theyâ€™d be addressing all the inequality that faces men. Like, why do feminists only care about breast cancer and not prostate cancer? Why arenâ€™t feminists advocating for single dads? Why wonâ€™t women sleep with me when Iâ€™m a really nice guy and Iâ€™ve made a particular effort to be nice to them, particularly? Until feminism can answer that, Iâ€™m afraid I donâ€™t really see it as being legitimate.â€ This is the last bastion of the misogynistâ€™s argument â€“ their self fancying checkmate, if you will. What these people are basically saying is that, despite the overwhelming evidence of entrenched sexual, physical and ideological oppression of women, the only way feminism can really be fair is if it first identifies and solves all of the ways in which the patriarchy also oppresses men. To be more specific, women who agitate for their own liberation are only allowed to do so once theyâ€™ve fixed all the things that make men sad, thus making them stronger and even more powerful. There are probably a million ways I could tear this argument apart, but I think this says it better than I ever could. To paraphrase the great Sarah Connor, a bitchinâ€™ kick ass broad who saved humanity from blistering annihilation at the hands of the Terminators: if a stick figure, an animation, can reject the stupidity of misogynist rhetoricâ€¦maybe we can too. Go forth and rebut, my friends. Reply Whatever888 May 10, 2012 Okay Ironic, try reading before trying to play sherlock holmes and figure out who I am. Ive posted a number of responses with this handle and have not changed it. Having said that, I find it amusing that you sarcastically call me intelligent for making assumptions and then do the same yourself. I make more than double the national average income, while getting 3 days off a week, and I dont ask my wife to work. She has MY kids to look after. I dont want to quit my job, you see it as freedom, I see my job as freedom. I dont have to be stuck in a house all day. I have co-workers with whom I have a good relationship with. I have a degree that you dont. You may claim its your brains, but if you research at all you will realize that many companies will hire foreign WOMEN in this country because there arent many of them that stay. Foreign Vagina= in demand in many fields in Japan. 4000 yen an hour sounds like an english tutor’s wage, but I wont assume that. you could be working at a pink salon or some other shady job. I dont understand what the point of your comments about your income/debt was for, but for the sake of comparison, I am also debt free, but I DO have a degree. As already stated, I make more than double the national average. I also live in Japan on a spousal visa, which I might add I received PRIOR to me being in a good financial position (something western women nearly never do). I have 3 days off a week while still earning said income. My Job is low stress and I have tons of free time. (Writing at work now) So you enjoy your uneducated, married into a way to weasel out of working, unlikely a steady job lifestyle. Ill enjoy the one that clearly is better. Reply Ironic May 10, 2012 Too long, didn’t read! Look at that, my gmail shows you submitted this message at 1pm, and judging by the size of this overblown message, it probably took you at least 20 minutes to write everything out. So I guess you don’t work on a Thursday afternoon!? All while the hard working Japanese men are out busting their ass at that time! Pathetic! So, is it 3 days or 4 days off from work? Do you work at all!? Don’t you feel embarrassed staying home while the real men are out making a living?! My husband told me, when a Japanese man loses their job, they’ll at least get dressed and look as though their going to work, and stay away from the home for 8 or 9 hours to save face. I wonder if your wife feels uncomfortable or embarrassed when she speaks with her neighbors, I know I would. Maybe she regrets marrying a lazy foreign man, after all. Ok, I did read the first line you wrote in your last comment. How do you assume I work at a pink shop when one of the first lines in my comment is “and therefore debt free; yet, I have a job in Education,” take note on the word “EDUCATION,” so how is it I work in a pink shop when I clearly stated otherwise? I suppose with your reading comprehension you more than likely work at Sukiya or Yoshinoya and definitely not in the educational field! Also, your misogyny is showing; so because I’m a woman and possibly make more money than you then I ‘must’ be a whore sucking cock for a living instead of a well educated and hard working woman in a legit job! No wonder you couldn’t find a woman in the west, you’re a misogynist, and probably as ugly on the outside as you are on the inside. You state that you wanted a woman more traditional woman, but the reality is, you came here because you couldn’t get laid, OH, and because you wanted a servant, which is why you thought to come to Asia as opposed to Russia or some other non-Asian country. When your wife starts cheating on you, divorces you, and steals your kids away, and when the cops don’t allow you to see them because 1. You’re not the Mother and 2. You’re a foreigner and they don’t give a shit about your “rights,” then maybe you’ll rethink that hateful, racist, weeaboo attitude of yours. This is the last time I’ll come here, and your last comment will be the last one I [don't] read (lol). However, I know you’ll write back because you obviously have nothing better to do, but I, unlike yourself, don’t have time to argue with nameless-faceless people over the Internet like you do judging by the frequency in your posts, as if you’re somehow going to change the world with your bitter comments, and as if anyone gives a shit about what a self-hating weeaboo has to say, anyway. Get a life! Bye~ Reply whatever888 May 10, 2012 For someone who is so critical of someone else’s reading comprehension, you sure dont have much yourself. If you have so much to do, why write such a long response? Youve done nothing but prove exactly what I said to be correct, and what nearly every other man here has stated about western banshees. But its all good. You can enjoy your part time eikaiwa job while complaining about someone elses great job schedule by stating japanese men would do this that and the other. And good job going straight to the one arguement that proves youve destroyed all of your arguments, the “well youre ugly” argument. Lets assume that I am the ugliest man in Japan. Guess what that makes me? The ugliest man in japan, with a wife I WANT to be with, kids I WANTED to have, a job I like that pays quite well, and tons of free time. I hope you enjoy your “education” field work. (Read: Eikaiwa tutor) And, lets also assume that my wife leaves me and takes my kids. Unlikely, but it could happen. Already planned for it. Shell get no money, and nothing from me. And you know what else? There will be a hotter and younger version to replace her. Reply Meme Master May 12, 2012 http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/whats-the-worst-you-can-do-caps-lock-me-to-death.jpg OH WOW! You really going to fight her over the internet, what’s the worst you can do? Caps-lock her to death? Haha! Reply Zed May 12, 2012 To the author: Did you try going for average-ish looking Japanese guys or only the handsomest? If the latter, then you lack of success is no wonder. Those chaps might be actually charging for banging young Japanese women in KabukiCho! Reply Meme Master May 13, 2012 OK, since these tard mods aren’t letting my comment through, I’ll just quote my favorite meme here: “OH WOW! You really going to fight her over the internet, whatâ€™s the worst you can do? Caps-lock her to death?” Haha! Reply Gaijin Girl May 18, 2012 I am an American girl living in Japan currently, in the Toyko area, and I am so glad I found this article. I have been feeling this way myself. Yes, I do get attention from Japanese men here, and while I do think that Asian men are attractive I am just not interested in dating one. I AM interested in dating some of the Western men though, but can’t get a date as they are all into Asian girls. It’s a bit rough for me as I have never had issues getting dates before. I have read most of the comments on here, and they are really upsetting. I’ve traveled a bit through Asia, been to the UK, and lived in the Middle East. I can tell you without a doubt that no country is really more attractive than the other. It’s all about personal preference. Are Asian women more attractive? No, not really. There are a ton of ugly girls here. They have bad teeth, they are pigeon-toed, and they are skinny to the point of unhealthiness. Some other girls COULD be quite pretty but they ruin it by bleaching their skin, wearing contacts that mess with their eyes, and lightening their hair so much that without the extensions they’d be bald. Not to mention the surgery to widen their eyes and make their breasts larger. Japanese women have a different body type that is less curvy and some find that less attractive. Oh, and the fashion…some of the girls here dress like prostitutes. On the other hand, Western women can be really overweight, dress sloppily, and can be pretty trashy as well. I’ve seen both Japanese girls with attitude and Western girls with it too. The point is that neither race is more attractive or ‘better’, you are going to have shockingly gorgeous people from both races. Reply Ororo May 19, 2012 Yeah, Japanese wonen are superior in beauty… until they take off their 2 kilos of make up! Totally ‘tako’ faced! Reply Peter Payne May 23, 2012 Blogger living in Japan for 20 years here. This is an outstanding article, and all I can say is, I’m glad I was born male. I remember when I was single this one American girl who’d just arrived was clearly interested in me. In my own case I was like, but I’m here to learn Japanese, it’s what drives me, and you’d never understand that like a Japanese GF would. Reply Gaijin Girl May 23, 2012 Meh Peter, I think that’s a pretty crappy excuse. If you aren’t interested in dating someone, fine, but don’t decide you can’t date someone because you want to learn a different language. Living in Japan, you were perfectly capable of learning Japanese without finding a Japanese girlfriend. In any case, all I have heard from guys who do actually date Japanese girls is that rather than helping them to master Japanese, the language barrier prevents them from forming a healthy relationship. The only guys in successful relationships here that I know of, are guys who are dating girls who spent significant time in Western countries and who speak English. The thing I think is funny is how guys assume Asian girls won’t be bossy. HA! It seems like every time I go out with my male coworkers there’s some fight between themselves and their Asian girlfriends, mostly because the girls are nagging and bossing their guys about quite rudely quietly under their breath, if not out loud in front of us! Reply Whatever888 May 23, 2012 Gaijin Girl, you will find bitchy women in any country. The men you speak of sound like they need to grow a pair, or get a better job. Growing a pair will either give you the thick skin you need to deal with typical female whining/bickering and the ability to tell her to cut it out when it is enough. This is of course if the bickering isnt warranted. (Such as you want to go see your friends and she whines about it) Getting a better job will literally grow the balls for you, because NEARLY every woman doesnt want a human wallet to leave. Take your pick. Reply Astrid May 27, 2012 Excuse me but even though it’s late, I really need to answer this one. I am Italian and I have been married to a Japanese man for five years. I live in Japan and, two years ago, I became a Japanese citizen. My impression is that you really went to Japan expecting to find people who act like Europeans or Americans. Maybe being “college-educated” might seem to you like something that is supposed to make you look more attractive, but it’s really not a point in your favour if you are a woman who is trying to date in Japan. The other day I was talking to two Japanese friends of mine, one who’s already married and one who’s looking for a husband. The married one told the other the reason why she is encountering difficulties is that she is “too-educated”. All the Japanese men I have known are scared of women who go to college. They fear they might want to follow the “Western model” and demand that their man does some of the housework after they are married while they keep their jobs. Here in Japan, a woman is expected to leave her job once she marries, and she’s expected to do all the housework. Being independent and educated is not something that is going to work in your favour if you are looking for a Japanese guy. Then of course there is the completely WRONG way of presenting yourself. I have seen Western women wear high heels, open dresses and typically Western things like that and their Japanese date did not appreciate it. They don’t like the idea of a powerful, beautiful woman. They prefer a cute one who looks less threatening. When I started dating my husband, I knew this and it was the reason why I changed the way I dress. He once looked at pictures of how I dressed and acted when I was back in Europe, and later admitted that if I had acted like that when we first met, he would have never pursued a relationship with me. It’s funny that you would mention asking to a waiter which dish he thinks is the best, because I did the same thing some years ago, while dining out with some Japanese girl friends. He just looked very uncomfortable and later my friends explained that I did something that was considered very rude. Here in Japan, being polite is really important, and acting towards a waiter in a way that might seem a bit too personal is just not the way to go. It’s even worse if it comes from a Western woman! Also, I can only imagine how intimidated the guys were to see you dance by yourself in a club! I do understand that you come from a country where you are encouraged to put yourself out there the more you can, but in Japan the more you act shy and docile, the more respect they will have of you. The language barrier is a huge thing too! I already spoke perfect Japanese when I came to Japan, and it would have been a lot harder for me to date if I didn’t. Also, the kind of relationship you want doesn’t seem like something very popular in Japan. I have seen some Japanese men date Western women because it’s like a status symbol for them, but that’s not the kind of relationship one wants. Otherwise, when the relationship is something serious, marriage is expected. I married my husband three months after I met him. The notion of dating for years is not really that common here. Really, don’t flatter yourself by thinking Japanese men don’t approach Western women because they think they are too good for them. They honestly do not like women to be independent, assertive and smart, that’s all. There are always exceptions, but I have lived here for a long time and I still don’t see many strong, “college-educated” Western women going very far here (unless they are willing to change themselves, of course). I am not saying you should change your way of acting or anything, I’m just saying that if you wish to keep being the independent Western woman you are, you should go live somewhere else. Somewhere where that is actually appreciated. Reply Kim May 28, 2012 Hm, I’m studying Japanese at the moment and considering moving to Japan somewhere in the next few years. I’ll be going there for the first time this summer so I can’t talk from personal experience yet. I don’t get the amount of attention you’d have liked to get here in Belgium either. That’s not to say I’m ugly; I’m a decent enough looking skinny girl. But I’m also a very nerdy girl that’s to lazy to put on makeup or to put in some lenses or spend more then 10 seconds on my poofy blond curls. (I sometimes feel like I should get myself a T-shirt made that states that, I mean, allot of Asian girl, girls anywhere really, spend an awfully long time on their looks. Sure you can get guys like that, but at least no guy will ever have to be shocked when they see me in the morning) You also make it sound as if you went looking for guys in bars and at parties. That’s also not me, I go to parties if there’s funky disco music or even older. I prefer spending my week-ends at home with friends playing boardgames all evening or practicing medieval re-enactment (yes, that’s how geeky I am.) So I’m wondering what it would be like for me because I’ve never been the one-night-stand type of girl and I’ve never had guys throw themselves at me. I don’t expect or want that in Japan either (sure the attention would be nice there’s no denying that). I just want a Japanese guy that’s ok looking who loves Star Wars, still has his pokÃ©mon cards, doesn’t mind my stuffed animals, will play video games with me, will think I sexy in my pikachu cosplay outfit that I made and will support me in my dream of either becoming a concept artist or a Disney Princess working in Tokyo Disneyland. So will I be able to find a guy like that in Japan I wonder? Or is it the same for all Western girls? Reply Kim May 28, 2012 (Also on a side note) Oh wow Peter Payne commented on your article! I love finding the regular J-List blog in my mailbox, super interesting! Just makes me which I knew a female foreign blogger in Japan like you and Danny Choo that I could relate to. Reply Alice June 3, 2012 I too have traveled an extensive deal due to my work. But I have not experienced the same dilemma as the author. I’m not drop dead goegeous, but instead average looking, with olive skin, combination of Malay-Chinese-Spanish blood. I’m not the kind of person who likes being looked at or being the center of attention. I would rather look average, or covered up with minimal make up, wear no jewelry, etc than look too made up. I would rather look simple. And in case you are wondering, I’m Asian, but educated in an international school. Went to uni and graduate school where the vernacular is English, and am more fluent in English than my native tongue. Even so, people are able to tell that I was not raised in the States because my English is too… Formal. So, everywhere I went, I didn’t exactly fit the stereotype of my countrymen, nor was I considered Asian-Western. Still, I found men from different races show interest and I have often wondered why. As I said, I am not extraordinary looking and would rather look plain. But a friend once said that this is perhaps why men show interest. It’s because at some point in our evolution as a species, maybe even up to now, men are traditionally hunters. They can admire you from afar but have to believe you are attainable, otherwise it is too much hassle. And because they are hunters, they find it a greater achievement to ‘catch’ someone who doesn’t present herself so easily. Sure it’s probably a great achievement too to nab a pretty girl, or many pretty girls, but what a boost to the ego to also get the girl with whom it took some work to do so. This isn’t meant to be scientific of course, but just as someone else already said here previously, people can smell desperation from afar. Trying too hard to look special or different forces other people to look at your ‘flashiness’ than who you really are. Loosen up, don’t look too hard, don’t try too hard. You are pretty, but most people look for more than that. Don’t make it so obvious that you’re ‘seeking’ and don’t think of men as prospects all the time. Go out to enjoy company, not to look for men. Make friends not for the purpose of hooking up, but for the purpose simply of making friends. Sometimes if you don’t seek that someone, that someone willingly comes to you. Put a little bit of mystery about yourself and make them wonder.=) ee Reply Alice June 3, 2012 By the way, my boyfriend and a guy I was seeing before, whom I am now goodfriends with, have said the same thing, it was because I was pretty in my simpleness that drew their attention. They are both foreigners. They knew I was intelligent (we all work in the same field so they are familiar with what I do), educated yes, that was probably a given, but I didn’t flaunt it and in fact would rather talk about some silly thing than what I do, or would rather hear someone talk about themselves. I was very low profile and it made them wonder what I was really about. You don’t get to know someone really well in parties, at a bar, etc. You may attract attention, but to really dispel the loneliness, you need a relationship and that takes time to work on, time to get to know someone. Like I said, not just to the author in particular, just meet people without stressing about whether or not you’ll attract someone sooner or later into the night (or in the coming days). Enjoy your time, enjoy yourself and it will show. ee Reply hung June 11, 2012 @mcc, Your post is well thought, do you have expertise in psychology or sociability or you just know Japan very well? About the author, I can tell that she is a bit spoiled, she want the best of both worlds and the best of both sexes. Reply Fon June 11, 2012 I’m a Japanese man. And sorry, let me be honest here. If the photo Reannon is posting here is her real face, the reason is clear. She’s not the type Japanese men like. I know what kind of girls most Japanese men prefer. Reply Anon June 11, 2012 I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, Fon, but several other Japanese men have commented on how cute she is. She IS cute to many people, Japanese or not, and you are not the voice of all Japanese men, I’m afraid. That’s obvious from the other positive responses that she received. Reply KorJaP June 13, 2012 Japanese men are smart. They built electronic, mechanical and scientific empire with a land of no natural resources. Does this Author thinks smart men will ask girl out just because she is forign and blonde? Reply KorJapman June 16, 2012 hint for western ladies who likes Korean Japanese men if Korean Japanese men starts brag about his wealth, intelligence or achivement. ask him ‘I want to know who you are rather then what you are’ he will start dropping tears. Reply AfroAmerican Otaku June 20, 2012 I came to this website in search of how life would be if I spend a year abroad for a school program. I was born in Africa but spent most of my life in America. I do speak Japanese but it’s not as fluent as I want it to be. One of the main reasons why I want to make the trip. All my life I have been fascinated by Asian culture. I am an avid reader of manga and I love anime, k/jdrama, as well as the music. How do you suppose I would cope? Reply Michelle July 7, 2012 I am a blonde-haired, 5’6″, slightly muscular (not skinny skinny) Caucasian woman and when I went to Japan to study this summer, I had a lot of Japanese men coming on to me. When I went to clubs with group and some of the Japanese boys, I was grabbed at and Japanese men I didn’t know tried to dance with me and I was even offered drinks. Even when I had my Japanese boyfriend with his arm around I still was given “the eyes” from other men. And when I was walking around Ueno I was cat called and whistled at. I don’t know if it was because of the locations I was at, but I didn’t experience ignored by Japanese men. I find your article interesting because of this. Even the other white girl in my group had two Japanese college boys after her! And apparently a lot of the other boys said we were cute. Reply pocky July 15, 2012 i really liked this and honestly i have been wondering about dateing and i dont think i will have many problems in that area ( i am half white half native american, i have pale skin but native features that get mistaken for asian ones ) but i dont think that you did a very good job flirting with japanese men personally. in my expierence i have noticed that asian men respond well to shy smiles, quick glances, even pretending to ignore them then “accidently” catch their gaze..hahha it may seem kind of stupid but it works well enough when i am intrested in someone. anyways, i hope you have better luck!! Reply Septimus July 17, 2012 LOL, I’m sorry but this article is funny, when you consider it’s premise. I’m a white woman and I think I’m attractive why can’t I get a date in Japan? Maybe you’re ATTITUDE is the problem. AT NOT POINT DURING YOUR TIRADE DID YOU ONCE QUESTION YOUR OWN ATTITUDE….WHICH IN ITSELF IS TELLING. Reply Nicole Russin aka. RichÃ¡rde July 30, 2012 I don’t want to lecture, buuuut…. It sounds to me rather than this being an unattractive issue or ignored problem all related to Western women, people didn’t like you because of either how you dressed or your facial features. Certain features are more attractive in Asia and it is absolutely not true that Western American and European women are disliked by Asians. In fact, it’s the opposite for me and many young men and women I know of. One athlete guy I know plays tennis on the ATP with constant compliments from Asians. I know of very typical looking though cute women who are thought of as cute by Asians. It comes down to values like having clear skin, taking care of one’s appearance, looking healthy, not dressing like an American slob stereotype off Family Guy….stuff like that… Perhaps you came across as too aggressive and loud. Many Americans want to yell in someone’s ear, and that’s not how you roll elsewhere. No hate meant here. I’m only saying you have the wrong idea here. Said as a true to the Midwest, cornfed child. Reply Just wanna feel August 7, 2012 Duh.. I understand your feelings very well. I am an east asian. Well, from japan’s view, it’s still western, right. And i dislike it when people say asian, they only mean japanese chinese korean. Come on, asia is so big!! It’s okay to not have a japanese boyfriend/ husband. They’re sucks most of the time, for me. Only a japanese girl could cope with japanese men, i think. Japanese girl is very cute and act cute, admiring the men so of coz men like them. And japanese wives can understand the japanese husbands “ignorance” of the marriage/ family. As for me, i always being warned by my japanese husband that my attitude is bad. In japan, like you, i feel unattractive, i feel like i am not a female at all. Unless i can become a japanese girl which is impossible of coz. Strangely, when i went to my home country, the feeling disappeared. Initially, i like japan and of coz i like to become friends with japanese girls. But having experienced “traumas” like partner turns to japanese girls, makes me feel intimidated by japanese girls. I dont want to hate them, but i feel i’m not worthy of a woman here, makes me hate japanese especially the girls and also the men, more and more, especially if they have something to do with my spouse. Actually i dont hate my japanese friends.. It’s just i feel intimidated by young and looked-young, cute graceful japanese girls. I just want to be myself, a lovely girl. Which seems impossible in japan, alone. I miss my family, my friends, and people from my country. And also foreigners who live in japan. Reply Just wanna feel August 7, 2012 Only a foreign woman who is living alone IN JAPAN can understand the feeling. Reply Just my thoughts August 8, 2012 Very interesting. I am a Japanese man who has lived in the US and Australia, have been married to my American (white) wife with two kids. And I’d like to make a comment on this topic from a Japanese man’s perspective plus a good understanding of western culture. I did not read all the comments written by other people previously. If any of what I say is a repeat, I apologize in advance. It is my opinion that in general Japanese men are somewhat more serious about dating than western guys. What I mean is that Japanese people tend to think long term more than western people. When long term is the norm, of course they want to have an ideal partner. I’m not saying that western women cannot be ideal. But for most Japanese men who have little experience with western women, there are just too many unknown variables and it’s too risky. Another factor I think of is the modern history. I think it’s natural that men want to feel superior to women (whatever that means to each man). This comment probably offends many women. But I think it is in men’s nature to want it. If you think about the power relationships between the east and west, the west has been dominant ever since Industrial Revolution. Asian men often do not feel superior to the western counterparts. Having lived in western countries for so long, I now realize that this notion is laughable at best quite wrong at least. Because I think that there are as many Asian men who are husband and boyfriend material as western men. But you see, some Japanese women share that false belief too, and they fall for the ugliest and the dumbest western men (no offence here). In order for men to win women’s attention, they sometimes have to conjure up confidence and superiority if they don’t have them naturally. Many Japanese men are not up for that challenge when it comes to dating western women. As for western men wanting to date Japanese women, they are in an advantageous place from the beginning. I would say, despite all those things I wrote above, that western women should not be discouraged if they are truly interested in Japanese men. If they are wanting a husband type, Japan is a pretty good place to find one. Because Japanese men tend to think long term, once they make a commitment, they tend to stick around. The world is changing too. Japan has been a developed country for a long time. Korea is not too far behind. And now China has become an economic monster. If this trend continues, it will not be too long before the world power balance tips toward Asia. Historically speaking, powerful men always won the most women. I don’t think that has changed. There will be more and more Asian tycoons, celebrities, athletes, scholars, and war heros, and before you know it, western men will be wondering where their past glory went. I didn’t mean to sound like I’m holding a grudge against western dominance at the end. I’m just simply trying to analyze the situation we are in. I think it’s sad actually that history has been that way. I wish we were all equal and frineds. Lastly, an opinion from a man. Women of all races and ethnicities are beautiful and attractive. I want to say to all foreign women living in Japan that you’ve got what you need. Just show off your femininity in your own way, and you will find someone you like. Good luck. Reply kj August 19, 2012 ã€Œ Blogger living in Japan for 20 years here. This is an outstanding article, and all I can say is, Iâ€™m glad I was born male ã€ lol, Charisma Man has arrived Reply Silove August 27, 2012 I agree with this. I was only in Japan for 3 weeks for vacation, because I really love the Japanese culture. I did find a few guys staring at me now and then, but when I’d smile at them, they’d just look away hurriedly. After a few days of this, it gets old. I WAS feeling unattractive. Well, this won’t scare me away from my love of Japan, but it was something I found odd. Reply sunnygirl September 2, 2012 I think most asian men especially in Japan want thier own women plain and simple. You rarely see asian men and white women together in the US or Canada. You do however see the t opposite of course. Think Japanese War Brides etcâ€¦â€¦â€¦.. Being blond and western is not the most desired thing asian men want to date and marry. They seem to simply prefer thier own women like many Indian and Arab men I think. If you went to an African Country or the Carribbean or mabey south america etc your chances are better but of course those places are not as desirable as Japan and other asian countries are. note corrected email to moderators … Reply Dave September 3, 2012 Sunnygirl- I hear this a lot, and you’re wrong. Asian men adore white women. I’ve preferred and been attracted by white women since junior high. What happened was that by high school and college I noticed that white girls in particular, gave us the cold treatment whenever I approached them. They did this to my friends too, both my Asian and Asian-American counterparts. Sometimes their reactions to my polite expressions of interest ranged from shock, to laughter, to borderline racism. So I just stopped asking white women out, or even giving them any regard. In my experience, it was the caucasian woman that shut us out. Reply NEAunited September 10, 2012 sunnygirl -> NorthEast Asia(Korea Japan China) is conservative and much more collectivist. Gender Role and stereotypes are accepted, self-criticism is more valued then confidence. Because of this aspect, NEA men and Western women arent good match. Especially when Western women are liberal and unwilling to accept Japanese gender role. The reason Southeast Asian mail oredered brides are numerous in Korea or Japan is that not because of physical attraction, but they want somebody to accept traditional gender role. Racism plays a role. East Asians who thinks Southeast Asians as inferior and thinking they are giving honor to live in Japan and Korea to these women so obviously they should answer back with accepting harsh gender role. That’s why most of these marriages breaks down. Give it a try in Philipinne or Vietnam where it has been colonized by the west so they are willing to accept western gender equailty but I don’t know if they are desirable as Japanese men Reply kj September 11, 2012 Wow, so much racism and bigotry towards Japanese in that post. Just goes to show liberals are as racist as conservatives in the West. You bemoan your incorrect perception that Japanese love to stereotype people — then proceed right into stereotyping and belittling every aspect of Japanese people. Ridiculous. Reply Just my thoughts September 11, 2012 NEAunited made a valid point, I think. It is mostly true that Japanese men prefer their wives to play a female role in the house, among relatives, in the neighborhood, and in the larger society. Some Western women try hard to fit into that role once they marry a Japanese man and live in Japan, but it’s not a natural or easy process for them. Japanese men know that it’s not easy for them. Therefore, western women are not good candidates as a potential spouse. But this is changing too. Young Japanese people nowadays date without the prospect of getting married. And some young Japanese men are open to more western style of marriage (more equality and flexibility). Seems like different factors are playing roles to lead to the phenomenon of western women having hard time to get a date in Japan. I certainly disagree that Japanese men think western women are not as attractive, though. Reply kj September 12, 2012 “western style of marriage (more equality and flexibility).” Laughable. The issue with both your bigoted posts is that you presume West = equality; and East = inequality. Let’s review gender roles in America vs. Japan. America – girls are indulged and men are expected to give more than they receive in the relationship. Japan – boys are indulged and women are expected to give more than they receive in the relationship. Naturally [J]boys and [A]girls that can’t break out of their societal roles will be a hopeless match because they’ve both been brought up to be selfish and spoiled. Even if one of them is able to break the mold, their partner is likely to seem ingrateful because it’s expected. Naturally [A]Men and [J]Women are a natural fit because both expect to give with little return — and when they receive more than they could have expected in their home culture, a deep bond and gratefulness occurs. This sense of entitlement from [A]girls pervades both the original post, all the comments afterwards, and especially the hatred towards [J]Women and [A]Men. Reply expat in Japan September 12, 2012 Wow. KJ, YOURS is the most biggoted post of all!!! I live in Japan, and while the Japanese have been pushed into societal roles they do not correctly fit into them. Men are not brought up to be selfish, and Japanese women are not by nature kinder and gentler than any other kind of woman. To begin with, they may seem so because they are trying to fill their submissive roles, but this does not last. People are people, and some are naturally giving and some are not, and despite their societal role, their natural inclinations will come out. For example, most men in relationships with Japanese women – that I know personally – report a lot of nagging, lack of understanding, and refusal to have sex. It is not uncommon to start dating many Japanese women once arriving in Japan, and then becoming frustrated and more appreciative of Western women. American girls are no more entitled than American men. If anyone thinks American women are more entitled, then they haven’t paid attention to the plethora of information about men taking advantage of women, cheating, refusing to communicate, etc etc etc. AMERICANS in general are entitled. KJ, you obviously have woman issues. Reply Just my thoughts September 12, 2012 kj, You may be right. I am a Japanese man who was born and raised in Japan. Was I spoiled by my parents and my culture? Maybe, I was. I was never expected to brew tea when guests came to our house. I was never expected to learn how to cook. My parents never told me that I was going to university just to be more desirable for men who were looking for future wives. My parents never told me that I couldn’t study at a graduate school because that would scare away guys who have only a bachelor’s degree. (This actually happened to my ex-girlfriend) But because I was a boy, there were so many other expectations on me that were quite heavy on my shoulders. My typical daily life as a junior high school student was: get up in the morning and go to school by 8:20am, study in classes until 4:00pm, do sports in a sports club at school until 6:00pm, come home and have a small snack and go to a “cram” school and study some more from 7:00pm to 9:30pm, come home and have dinnere at 10:00pm, maybe watch some TV until 11:00pm, and go to bed, and repeat the same thing the next day. My parents told me that I had to study everyday to get into a good high school and good university so that I can get a good job. I rebelled against that a few times unsuccessfully. I left Japan because I did not want to live a life like so many other men there. So, kj, When you say that Japanese boys are spoiled, I understand what you mean. We are not taught (in general) to serve our wives like Japanese girls are. But we are taught to serve the society by competing against each other and be loyal to the system (whatever it is). As for American girls being spoiled, I cannot comment much except that my wife is American, and I don’t get the impression that she was spoiled. There are so many children in America who are more neglected than spolied. Yes, I have seen girls AND boys who are spolied in the US. But I’m not sure that American girls are more spoiled than American boys. Anyway, going back to the original thought, kj’s theory that Western women can’t find a Japanese date because American women and Japanese men are spoiled may give us some insight. But I think it needs to be refined some more. How about saying that Japanese men are taught to take the leadership role in a relationship and not to be understanding. On the other hand many American women are taught to fight for equality in a relationship and some women actually take it too far sometimes. Reply kj September 13, 2012 Re: struggle of daily life, I think that goes for all Japanese. Japanese society, in general, is much better at teaching discipline and hard work. I’ve seen it in early development at elementary schools — at first sight, it looks like total chaos because the teachers don’t try to *force* the kids to pay attention or behave like is done in the US. Rather, the children are slowly taught how to regulate themselves so that the whole class can benefit without the need for an overtly strong authority figure. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. I believe you took my quip about “selfish” a bit farther than it’s meant to. I was making a generalization to begin with, and careful to note that these are gender norms within society — not individual characteristics. As an American that’s dated both Japanese and Americans, I felt like I was always giving more in domestic relations than I was getting out of it. American girls preach “equality” while simultaneously expecting the man to pay for the dates, drive them around in a nice car, and make all the logistical plans and arrangements. And to make occasional gifts “for no reason”. That’s not “equality” — it’s having your cake and eating it too. On the flipside, I discovered when dating Japanese women that they would actually buy *me* gifts. Very welcome surprise. They would have active input into what our plans should be… makes it much less stressful to plan a date. When I drove 3 hours to see a girlfriend, she insisted on paying for meals to share some of the financial burden. These kinds of things are *VERY* uncommon in America for a girl to do. You can also see these reflections in both culture’s mainstream media. Women in Japanese tv shows almost always woo the men. Whereas Men in American tv shows almost always take on the job of asking women out. My point is simple — one set works extremely well because the 2 partners go in expecting that they will have to take responsibility for the relationship. It simply makes for a healthy relationship. The other faces difficulties because the parties are less likely to take on responsibility for the relationship. I’d also point out that as much as you certainly found my post insulting, imagine how insulting any American man or Japanese woman must feel reading this tripe. The author, and most of the agreeing comments, are very disparaging towards Japanese women — stereotyping them as sex objects and inferior. I can ensure you that Japanese women are not the “subservient trophy wives” that these bigots wish to paint them as — and just so they can feel better about their own deficiencies in personality.